You Get The Room, I’ve Got The Sperm

Pick up lines from Monte Carlo Bar.  You know I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried.

Dear Men of LA:

Think before you speak.  Stupid lines will never get you laid.  Here are a few gems I heard last night:

You get the room, I’ve got the sperm.

You have the softest skin.  If you don’t quit rubbing my back I’m going to break your hand.  (That was me by the way!)  Oh, so you are a lesbian.  You know just because I don’t want you groping me doesn’t mean I’m gay.  It means I want to enjoy my cranberry juice in peace asshole.

Oh, you are a size 5?  That’s skinny!

Can I stay at your house and play video games?  I promise I won’t hit on you.

You are way too beautiful to be a photographer!  Wow!  Does that mean all photographers are ugly?  Hmmm.

I’m not a big shot.  I’m all about making love.

Do you want to play Pokemon?  Can I poke you man?

I’m gay!  Can you make me straight?

My dick is famous.  Can I make you famous?

I don’t let many people near my ass, but I’ll let you.

I have a Porshe.  I can’t wait to see you lying in the back of it.

You are just a notch on my belt.

And if you are really trying to impress a girl don’t close with the following:

I have mansions in Connecticut and North Carolina.   Maybe you could see them sometime.  Right now I’m staying at Wi Spa where they only charge you $25 a night.




Yes You Can Fuck A Girl Too Hard!

Dear Men of LA,

A guy friend of mine texted me last night and said, “Hey I’ve been reading your blog.  Is it really true that you can fuck a girl too hard?”  Hell yes, it’s true.  Contrary to popular belief, your dick is not a jackhammer.  Girls do not like looking like a rape victim from Law and Order SVU.  They actually like being able to walk the next day.  So the next time you think your dick is a jackhammer let’s take a step back.  Remember the golden rule.  Do unto others and all that jazz.  How would you like it if a girl took out a jackhammer and beat the crap out of you and your dick while she was screwing you?

Should You Send Her A Dick Pic?


Dear Men of LA:

A friend of mine sent this to me yesterday and I thought it was hilarious.  Let me just throw out a few nuggets to help you guys make that important decision:  whether or not to send a dick pic?

1.  Did she ask for a dick pic?  I can answer that.  Hell no!!  No girl is ever going to ask for a dick pic unless she’s drunk as hell.  If she is drunk and asks for your dick pic she’s never going to remember it anyway and will end up deleting it from her phone.

2.  If by some sheer miracle she really does want a dick pic and she’s sober it’s probably because she’s seen it before.  Which brings us to our next question.  If she’s seen it before, why does she need a picture?  Is she going to frame it and put it on her wall?  Is she going to stare at it and hold it close to her heart before she goes to bed?  Hell no!!  She’s going to use it in some crazy revenge plot when you guys break up.  She’s going to plaster that shit all over town and embarrass the hell out of you.  Remember, dick pics are forever.  They never go away.

3.  Also if she did accept your dick pic did she send a naked pic of herself back?  Hell no!  Read above.  Women know that shit can be used against them.  Sending a second pic of your dick from another angle will not help things.  It’ll just give her more ammunition to use against you.

4. Is your dick pic so fabulous that it made her want to touch it?  I doubt it.  I don’t care if you hired a dick photographer (it’s a real thing I swear!) to exceptional pics of your dick, no picture is gonna make her want to touch it.  Don’t believe the hype.


Let’s Keep Our Hands, Spit, Tongues, And Dicks To Ourselves At The Bar!

Yesterday’s adventures at my local bar!

Dear Men of LA:

Here’s a tip.  Do not go up to a girl in a bar and start licking her ear.  I have no idea why people like having their ears licked.  Spit in an ear feels slimy and gross.  Also, don’t go up to her and start rubbing her hair saying, “your hair is so soft.  It feels like angel hair.”  What exactly does angel hair feel like?  Is it softer than a kitten?  Softer than a baby’s butt?  Softer than a virgin’s vagina?  Hmmmm!  So here’s a novel idea.  Let’s keep our hands, spit, tongues, dicks and everything else to ourselves at the bar.  One of these days you are going to lick the wrong chicks ear and end up in a jail cell with a guy called Miss Twiddlywinks.  Then I guarantee you Miss Twiddlywinks will want to lick more than your ear.

I Do Not Want To Hear About Your Circumcision! I Don’t Want To See It Either!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick up a girl at the bar do not open with, “hey I just got a circumcision, do you want to hear about it?”  Hell no she doesn’t!  Also, don’t keep going on and on about it and then end with, “do you want to go to the bathroom and see it?  It looks a little weird, but it still works.”  Keep that shit to yourself, dude.  I have no idea why guys automatically think girls want to see their dicks.  Here’s a clue.  We don’t!  So let’s keep personal shit like circumcisions, nose hair stories, and jail experiences to ourselves.  Women don’t want to hear it.

Penis Numbing Spray Is Never A Good Idea

Dear Men of LA:

Never use penis numbing spray on your dick to keep yourself from cumming.  I don’t care if the bottle says, ” become an endurance champion through the magic of a medically deadened penis“, it’s not a good idea. (Yeah a dead penis always sounds sexy!)  Imagine if you spray that shit on your dick and then your lady goes down on you.  What do you think is going to happen?  I tell you what’s going to happen.  Your woman’s mouth is going to go completely numb and she will lose all feeling in her mouth.  She will not be able to suck.  She will not be able to talk.  She will just lie there with her mouth hanging open and drool running out of her mouth.  Hot!!  I’m sure she’s gonna want to have sex with you after you just deadened her mouth like a damn dentist.  So the next time you want to keep yourself from cumming, do what every other red-blooded male does.  Think about your mom and dad having sex.  I guarantee that will slow your dick down.

You Know Why They Call Me The Cat Whisperer?

Dear Men of LA:
Pick up lines do not work. Going up to a girl in a bar and saying, “hey baby, do you come here often” is just like saying, “hey, girl I’m a douche that has no idea what to say to women.” I don’t think “do you come here often?” has ever worked on a girl. Do you really want to know if she comes there often? Hell no!! You just want to know if she cums often and how you can get her to make you cum. So next time you want to approach a girl here’s a clue. Pick up lines never work. I don’t care how clever you think they are.
Your clothes would look better lying on my floor.
You look like an angel that fell down from heaven.
I’ll treat you like my homework: Slam you on the table and do you all night long!
You know what I like in a girl? [What?] My dick.
You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?
You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
So let’s try a new approach. Go up to a girl and just say, “hi”!!!! I swear it’ll work a whole lot better than, “do you come here often”?