Penis Numbing Spray Is Never A Good Idea

Dear Men of LA:

Never use penis numbing spray on your dick to keep yourself from cumming.  I don’t care if the bottle says, ” become an endurance champion through the magic of a medically deadened penis“, it’s not a good idea. (Yeah a dead penis always sounds sexy!)  Imagine if you spray that shit on your dick and then your lady goes down on you.  What do you think is going to happen?  I tell you what’s going to happen.  Your woman’s mouth is going to go completely numb and she will lose all feeling in her mouth.  She will not be able to suck.  She will not be able to talk.  She will just lie there with her mouth hanging open and drool running out of her mouth.  Hot!!  I’m sure she’s gonna want to have sex with you after you just deadened her mouth like a damn dentist.  So the next time you want to keep yourself from cumming, do what every other red-blooded male does.  Think about your mom and dad having sex.  I guarantee that will slow your dick down.

You Know Why They Call Me The Cat Whisperer?

Dear Men of LA:
Pick up lines do not work. Going up to a girl in a bar and saying, “hey baby, do you come here often” is just like saying, “hey, girl I’m a douche that has no idea what to say to women.” I don’t think “do you come here often?” has ever worked on a girl. Do you really want to know if she comes there often? Hell no!! You just want to know if she cums often and how you can get her to make you cum. So next time you want to approach a girl here’s a clue. Pick up lines never work. I don’t care how clever you think they are.
Your clothes would look better lying on my floor.
You look like an angel that fell down from heaven.
I’ll treat you like my homework: Slam you on the table and do you all night long!
You know what I like in a girl? [What?] My dick.
You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?
You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
So let’s try a new approach. Go up to a girl and just say, “hi”!!!! I swear it’ll work a whole lot better than, “do you come here often”?


Dear Men of LA:

I’ve been working on a tv show based on Dear Men of LA for quite a while.  Here’s a teaser scene from the show.  I hope you like it.  Watch until the end because there’s a surprise!!

We Are Not Waiting By The Phone For You!

Dear Men of LA:

Why do you think we are waiting by the phone for you?  I swear it’s becoming an epidemic lately.  A guy will call you after three months of radio silence and say, “hey I sort of miss hanging out and talking with you!”  I sort of miss?  Really?  Well if you sort of missed me why didn’t you sort of call?  Here’s another one.  A guy calls on a Monday and says, “hey I want to get to know you, let’s go out” but then doesn’t call you again until 8 pm on a Friday night and says, “are you ready?”  No phone calls or texts during the week, no nothing.  I swear these days when a guy says, “I want to get to know you it’s code for, “I want to get in your pants.”  So listen up guys.  We are not waiting by the phone for you.  We are not waiting around for you to make up your mind if you want to go out with us.  It’s not cute when you say, “I sort of miss you.”  Guess what?  We don’t miss you.  Our time is just as valuable as yours is.  So until you start treating women with some respect and act like you have some common sense the pussy door is locked.  I hope that hand keeps you warm at night.

You Know What’s Worse Than Cum In Her Eye?

Dear Men of LA:

You know what’s worse than cum in a girl’s eye?  A condom stuck in her pussy!  You don’t know what pain in the ass it is when that shit gets stuck way up in there.  It’s almost impossible to get out and then the girl has to go to her doctor and get it taken out.  Do you know how they take it out?  They take a long handled pair of tweezers, go in her pussy, and drag it out.  How would you like it if a doctor took a pair of tweezers and pulled something out of your dick?  Yeah, that would suck!  So here’s a few things you can do to ensure that your condom will stay nice and tight on that dick.

1  Use the right size condom.   If you have a small dick use a regular sized condom.  Using a magnum sized condom is not going to make your dick any bigger.  It’s only going to fall off.

2  Don’t put a condom on half ass.  Make sure it’s on there correctly.  Don’t worry, her pussy is not going anywhere.

3  Don’t fuck her so hard that the condom comes off and gets jammed up way in there.  Your dick is not a jackhammer.  Her pussy is not a piece of concrete.  The point of sex is for it to feel good, not beat the shit out of her.

There Is No Fairy Tale!

Dear Men of LA:

What happened to the fairy tale?  You know where the princess gets the prince?  Instead, it seems like all we get these days is a bunch of frogs.  I’ve been watching and reading a lot of chick stuff lately (don’t ask me why) and there’s always some grand romantic gesture where the guy always gets the girl.  Where is the modern day grand gesture?  Here’s what happens in real life.

A guy calls up a girl and asks her out on a date

Real life:  A guys texts the girl in the middle of the night and asks her for a booty call.

A guy tries to woo the girl by giving her flowers, candy, sweet words, etc.

Real life:  A guy texts her she looks hot and thinks that’s enough to get the girl to sleep with him.  That’s wooing in the 21st century.

A guy tries to get to know the girl before he sleeps with her.  He takes an interest in her thoughts, hobbies, and anything else in her life.

Real life:  A guy only cares if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date.   He only pretends to listen and I swear if there was a quiz after she slept with him he’d fail.

A guy who actually really listens to what a woman has to say.  He actually pays attention.

Real life:  Words go in one ear and out the other.  No man ever really listens.

A real man opens a door for her, walks on the outside, offers her his coat, etc.

Real life:  A homeless man starts assaulting the girl (spitting on her) and the spineless ass of a man runs away.

Older Man, Younger Girl: There’s Nothing To Talk About

Thanks for the inspiration last night J.

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t bitch and moan about having nothing to talk about to the girl you are dating if she’s like 20.  First off she’s a girl, not a woman.  What does she have to talk about?  Her newest Hello Kitty accessory?   Lollipops?  The newest Taylor Swift song?  Seriously!!  She may look hot in bed and is wrinkle free, but can you really have a good time with her?  Can you talk to her on an adult level about art, politics, and everything else in the world?  So what if she looks great in bed.  Does she even know what she’s doing or is she just lying there?  I did not know jack when I was 20, but I guarantee you I know a lot more now.  I’m also a lot more comfortable in my own skin and definitely more confident.  Remember this:  looks are not permanent.  What if your hot 20-year-old girlfriend is in a car accident the next day and all of her looks are gone?  What are you going to do then?  Play Candyland with her?  Talk about the newest Kendall and Kylie clothing line?  Go find another 20-year-old?  Or are you  going to go find a real woman who is around your age and you can have a real relationship with?  Remember this:  looks fade, but what’s on the inside of a person never goes away.