Dear Men of LA (especially you Baxter Holmes),
I usually try to make this blog about funny dating stories (and believe me I have some funny ones coming up including a grocery store drive by) but today I want to talk about something serious. I want to talk about my hometown, Kinston, NC. My ex texted me yesterday and said, “hey your hometown is on espn.com.” I was happy to hear that because Kinston has been trying really hard lately to improve itself. I read the article and afterward, I was downright pissed. This asshat writer, Baxter Holmes, paints Kinston as some Juarez like drug town that the only thing it has going for it is BASKETBALL! Now I love basketball. I’ve loved Duke since I was in elementary school. My whole family loves basketball. Some of my most precious memories are of my cousin, Scott yelling at his beloved Carolina team getting killed by my Duke team. Scott always thought he was a better coach than Dean Smith. The thing of it is Kinston has a lot more going for it than just basketball. If this asshat reporter would have done his job properly then he would have known this and could have written a way better article. Here are some of the good things that Kinston has going for it.
1 People. Kinston has some of the most genuine, heartwarming people I’ve ever met. They are the kind of people who would help a stranger or give you a hug if you needed it. They smile at you when you walk down the street and look you directly in the eye. I wish we had this kind of people in LA.
2 Food. I’ve been in LA for 14 years and still cannot find good bbq. I’d give my right arm right now for a bbq and coleslaw sandwich from Ken’s BBQ. Kinston has the best food ever. Ken’s BBQ (ok technically in La Grange), Waffle House, Bo Jangles (best french fries ever), King’s BBQ (that has survived two floods), and The Chef and The Farmer are just some of the awesome places in Kinston. Let’s talk about Chef and The Farmer. People from all over the South come here to eat. It has amazing reviews on Yelp and Trip Advisor. Did you even know that Baxter? Did you even talk the time to find out?
3 Strength and Fortitude. Kinston has survived a lot. It’s survived two massive floods. I remember looking at pictures a couple of years ago of all the buildings under water and thinking, “man how is Kinston going to survive this?” People couldn’t get to the store to get groceries. Businesses were under water. It was a really bad time for Kinston. KINSTON SURVIVED!! Look at Kinston today. New businesses are popping up. Tourists are coming to eat at The Chef and The Farmer. We have two pretty cool hotels (The O’Neil and The Mother Earth Lodge) that when I checked at Christmas (for curiosity sake) were booked solid for months. The town has strength and character far beyond what was in that article.
Mr. Holmes, maybe you should come to visit Kinston some time. Hang out, eat some of our amazing bbq, really get to know our town and it’s people. Then write your article.
This really happened last night.
Dear Men of LA:
It’s never a good idea to go up to a random girl in a bar and say, “how do I touch your boob?” Really? How do you think your night is going to end? With a threesome? Wild monkey sex? Her letting you actually touch her boob? Well, let me tell you none of the above is going to happen. What is going to happen is she’s going to slap you so hard that you fall off the bar stool and you are going to hit your head on the cold cement floor. Then you are going to have to go to the hospital because you’ll probably need stitches for your bleeding head. You’ll end the night sitting in the waiting room next to a cross-dresser named Kitty who lets his hand slide down to your………….. And the rest is history. The moral of this story: learn how to touch a boob on your own.
Dear Men of LA,
The grocery store is not a good place to pick up chicks, especially at 1 am. A girl is only at the grocery store at 1 am for two things: wine and ice cream. She’s not there for a late night drive by. Here are some examples of definite DON’TS that I witnessed one night on my way home from work:
1 DON’T Go up to a girl while she’s looking at wine, plant your nose in her neck and then say, “wow you smell good. Want to come home with me?”
2 DON’T Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you want to see my new dildo? It’s a present for my cousin.” Also don’t show it to her, especially if you are a really old guy that smells like shit.
3 DON’T Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you know where they keep the $3.99 wine? I want to impress a girl tonight. Do you think that will impress her?”
4 DON’T Go up to a girl and say, “why are you alone at the grocery store this time of night? Are you looking to get laid? I’d be happy to offer my stud services!”
5 DON’T Go up to a girl and say, “I’m a lot better for you than ice cream and I’m a lot less fattening.”
Dear Men of LA:
Recently I’ve noticed that guys are acting like girls! What the hell? Let’s look at some examples.
1 Men keep on asking over and over things like “are you sure it’s ok if I spend the night?” or “are you sure if I come along on girl’s night?” If I’ve told you once that it’s ok, then it’s ok. Well it’s probably not but just go with it. No woman wants to hear shit over and over again. It’s a drag.
2. Men want to sleep over every night. Come on! We want at least one night alone to watch our girly shows and slobber over Charlie Hunnam!
3. Men are clingy. When they sleep over they want to cuddle and snuggle and talk about shit. Look, you have your side of the bed and I have mine. Give a girl some space to breathe. If you need someone to cuddle with I can let you borrow my cat, Mr. Oliver Tittywinks.
4. Men want to cuddle with your cat if they can’t cuddle with you. I said you can borrow Mr. Oliver Tittywinks. I didn’t say you could smother him.
5. Men being clingy or insecure! “Oh my God! She has a facebook picture of her and another guy. Do you think she’s dating him too?” (That’s what you get for facebook stalking!) “She hasn’t texted me back all day! Is she not into me anymore?” “Do you think I look OK? I swear this shirt makes me look fat.” I swear I’ve heard all three from guy friends recently.
Dear Men of LA:
I usually write about funny observations about dating in LA. Well, this is a serious observation I made while I was out and about last night. Last night I was the minority. I was the only white person in the whole place. My friend wanted to go to this place that had awesome Mexican food. He said, “you’re gonna be exotic”. Huh? Since when was I exotic? I’m just a short, blonde, white girl. My friend said, “you’ll see”. They are gonna love you.” We walked in and you could hear a pin drop. Everyone stared at me. I was the only white person there. In the end, it didn’t matter. I had some amazing food and great company! Everyone was so nice and welcoming! My friend’s family is from Honduras so he fit right in. But I fit right in too despite being white. Because it’s not about skin color. It’s about what’s inside of a person. That’s what defines a person. A couple of days ago a friend pointed out to me you have no control over what skin color you are born into. That’s so true. You do have control over how you treat others and who you are as a person.
Dear Men of LA:
I was at my bar the other day and I heard someone scream, “are you fucking in your mind?” It was the bartender whose English is not that great and she meant to say, “are you fucking out of your mind?” I laughed so hard I almost peed! It made me think of all the stupid shit I”ve heard in the last couple of weeks.
I’m looking for a girlfriend. I’m lonely and I don’t have anyone. Oh but I should tell you that I’m screwing this girl at work. Are you fucking in your mind?
Do you think it’s ok to want to have sex with you but not want to see you naked? Are you fucking in your mind?
I have thirteen cats. Do you think that makes me needy? Are you fucking in your mind?
A guy goes running down the street screaming, “I want to rape a girl tonight! Do I have any takers?” Are you fucking in your mind? (Actually that happened a few months a go and I wanted to say, “I want to kick the shit out of a guy. Do you want to volunteer?”
Do you have any coke or can you buy me a drink? I’m a social worker and I’m in AA. Are you fucking in your mind? Seriously? This chick told my friend that down at the bar.
I sent this chick a dick pic. She didn’t respond back. That must mean she likes it right? I think I’ll send her ten more! Are you fucking in your mind?
I know you just told me you don’t want to see me anymore but do you still want to have sex? Are you fucking in your mind?
Dear Men of LA:
What number date is the best date to have sex on? First, second, third, fourth, or fifth? I think it depends on the person you are with. What do you think? These are some of the gems I heard from the guys at the bar.
Cash or Ass! Either you pay for my dinner or give me ass. Wow! I bet the ladies are just dying to go out with you with that logic.
Girls have the 5 date rule. They like to wait 5 dates before putting out. Men have the reverse rule. If they have to wait 5 dates they are gone. Just remember some things are worth the wait!
Pussy has to play. If not, pussy has to go! Here’s a clue. Pussy doesn’t have to do anything.
Finally, here’s one guy’s beautiful logic. “If she doesn’t put out by the third date then I have to break up with her. I’m just wasting my money. But I hate breaking up with a chick so I just go have sex with one of her friends and that way she’ll break up with me. It’s a win win situation. I get sex and the chick breaks up with me!!!”
I swear I couldn’t make up this crap up if I tried!!!