Penis Numbing Spray Is Never A Good Idea

Dear Men of LA:

Never use penis numbing spray on your dick to keep yourself from cumming.  I don’t care if the bottle says, ” become an endurance champion through the magic of a medically deadened penis“, it’s not a good idea. (Yeah a dead penis always sounds sexy!)  Imagine if you spray that shit on your dick and then your lady goes down on you.  What do you think is going to happen?  I tell you what’s going to happen.  Your woman’s mouth is going to go completely numb and she will lose all feeling in her mouth.  She will not be able to suck.  She will not be able to talk.  She will just lie there with her mouth hanging open and drool running out of her mouth.  Hot!!  I’m sure she’s gonna want to have sex with you after you just deadened her mouth like a damn dentist.  So the next time you want to keep yourself from cumming, do what every other red-blooded male does.  Think about your mom and dad having sex.  I guarantee that will slow your dick down.

There Is No Fairy Tale!

Dear Men of LA:

What happened to the fairy tale?  You know where the princess gets the prince?  Instead, it seems like all we get these days is a bunch of frogs.  I’ve been watching and reading a lot of chick stuff lately (don’t ask me why) and there’s always some grand romantic gesture where the guy always gets the girl.  Where is the modern day grand gesture?  Here’s what happens in real life.

A guy calls up a girl and asks her out on a date

Real life:  A guys texts the girl in the middle of the night and asks her for a booty call.

A guy tries to woo the girl by giving her flowers, candy, sweet words, etc.

Real life:  A guy texts her she looks hot and thinks that’s enough to get the girl to sleep with him.  That’s wooing in the 21st century.

A guy tries to get to know the girl before he sleeps with her.  He takes an interest in her thoughts, hobbies, and anything else in her life.

Real life:  A guy only cares if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date.   He only pretends to listen and I swear if there was a quiz after she slept with him he’d fail.

A guy who actually really listens to what a woman has to say.  He actually pays attention.

Real life:  Words go in one ear and out the other.  No man ever really listens.

A real man opens a door for her, walks on the outside, offers her his coat, etc.

Real life:  A homeless man starts assaulting the girl (spitting on her) and the spineless ass of a man runs away.

Don’t Lie! You Wouldn’t Want A Girl To Say You Are Great In Bed When You Really Sucked!

Dear Men of LA:

Here’s a clue.  Women like honesty.  They hate to be lied to.  You wouldn’t want a girl to lie to you and say you were great in bed when you really sucked ass.  Or say you had a big dick, but really it was so small that you could barely see it.  If you really don’t want to go to a party don’t lie and say you are on the way.  Don’t waste her motherfucking time.  Here’s a few other things not to lie about.

1  If she’s fat, don’t lie.   Be honest.  If she’s fat, tell her she’s fat.  Just say it in a nice way.  Make her be inspired to go to the gym.

2  If you killed her cat Miss Tiddlywinks, don’t lie.  Tell her about it.  We know you didn’t mean to flush her cat down the toilet.  Just go and get her another cat and pray for forgiveness.

3.  If she sucks at sex, don’t lie.  Go get her a couple of pornos and show her the way.  She may really appreciate some instruction.

4.  If her clothes are ugly, don’t lie.  Tell her they’re ugly, but again, in a nice way.  Take her shopping.  Women love to shop.

5.  If she smells, don’t lie.  Tell her so.  True story.  Honestly, I had really strong underarm odor and I wore all the wrong perfume.  Luckily, I had a boyfriend that told me the truth and did so in a really constructive way.  Now I wear the strongest deodorant there is and Dolche and Gabanna Light Blue and everyone says I smell great.

6.  If her pussy smells, don’t lie.  Same rules apply.  They make douches for that shit.  She’s gonna notice something is wrong when you don’t want to go down on her.  Also, make sure your dick smells good as well or she’s not going to want to go down on you either.

Women Don’t Like It When You Jam A Dry Finger In Their Pussy!

Dear Men of LA:

Here’s a clue.  Women aren’t always ready to have sex.  Sometimes their pussy can be as dry as the Sahara desert.  So before you go sticking your finger in her pussy put some lube on it.  At the very least put some spit on it.  Also, don’t go jamming it in there like your finger is a jackhammer.  Gently slide it in.  A woman’s pussy is soft and gentle.  It’s not something you beat the shit out of.  You guys don’t like it when we bite your dick.  (Well most of you don’t!)  Women don’t like it when you jam a dry finger in our pussy.

Nothing Is Complicated About Sticking Your Dick Where It Doesn’t Belong!

Dear Men of LA:

How come every time a guy goes sticking his dick somewhere he shouldn’t it’s complicated?  For example:

I had sex with a hooker I picked up on Hollywood Blvd while I was on my way to 7-11.  It’s complicated.  (Sex with a hooker is always complicated.  You have sex with them and they take all of your money.  Like I said, complicated!)

I didn’t mean to have sex with your best friend.  It was an accident.  It’s complicated. (You know it’s really your friend’s fault not mine!)

I didn’t mean to pick up that girl at the bar.  I swear she was coming on to me.  It’s complicated.  (It was her fault!! It’s always the girl’s fault!)

Oh shit, I thought that was your pussy not your asshole.  I really didn’t mean to stick my dick in your ass.  It’s complicated.  (Yeah I guess it’s complicated when you can’t tell one hole from the other.)

I didn’t mean to send you those dick pictures last night.  I hit the wrong button.  It’s complicated.  (I.E. my phone is complicated)

There’s What The Fuck And Then There’s WHAT THE FUCK?

This one is for Scott.  I like to think you are in Heaven reading some of my stupid shit and laughing your ass off.

Dear Men of LA:

There’s what the fuck and then there’s WHAT THE FUCK? Here’s some WHAT THE FUCKS you should NEVER put on your Tinder, OK Cupid, Adult Friend Finder, Our Time, Facebook, or any other profiles you have out there.

1  Things you need to know about me:  My wife always shows up at my dates.  She loves to drink.  You are paying for us both.  Sex isn’t guaranteed.  If I’m interested, I’ll place my underpants on the table.  Fold them in three and put them in your purse.  Return them washed and then we will have sex.  It’s a plus if you wear my mother’s perfume and you smell just like her.

2  You gotta put up with the gut to get the butt.

3  Don’t ask me on a date if you are poor.  Sushi and a caramel frapp is my idea of a perfect date.  No butt stuff on the first date.

4  I’m banking on your standards being a lot lower than mine.

5  I don’t shower.  I like frolicking.

6  I’m awesome.  Get to know me.  No goat sacrificers.

7  I like to watch My Little Pony and shower with my dog.

8  I like to put glitter on my dick to make it bright and shiny.

 

“Remember Me?” Will End Up In Tears, A Bitch Slap, Or A Kick To The Balls!!!

Dear Men of LA:

Here is an annoying habit that you guys have seemed to pick up lately.  After one or two dates or a one night stand, you don’t call the girl again and then maybe a year or two later you call her up and say, “remember me?”  And the stupidest thing is you expect the poor girl to remember.  Or you buy a girl a drink and talk to her for maybe 10 minutes and then a a year or two later you run into her and say, “Hey remember me?  I’m the guy that bought you that drink in a bar a year ago.”   What the fuck?  Seriously?  Let me break it down for you.  The only way a girl is going to remember your dumb ass is the following:

  1.  You were so great at sex that you gave her the orgasm of your life.
  2. After sex you left the toilet set up and her cat, Miss Tittywinks accidentally drowned.  (In that case I wouldn’t try to approach her.  I’d haul ass in the other direction)
  3. You bought her the best drink of her life and then you slipped a hundred dollar bill in her bra.
  4. You made a complete ass out of yourself and threw up all over her when you were drunk.   (Again, turn around and haul ass.  She’s not going to want to see you anyway.  The smell of puke stays with a girl forever!!)

So just walk away dude.  There are plenty of other girls at the bar. She’s not going to remember you and if she does it’s not going to end well.  It’s going to end up in tears, screaming, a bitch slap, or a kick to the balls.  More than likely, all of the above.