Women Only Want To See Dicks Up Close And Personal!

Dear Men of LA:

The following is a list of pictures no girl wants to see on your profile.  I swear I’ve seen all of these pictures on Tinder in the last week and they’ve made me want to claw out my eyes.

A naked guy holding his cat.  OK let’s face it, most girls love cats, but unless you look like David Beckham (or have a super cute cat named Miss Tiddlywinks) no girl wants to see this.  Keep the clothes on and let the cat’s cuteness do the talking.

A naked guy lying on a couch licking his fingers.  Really?  Since when did licking your fingers like you are in a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial look sexy?  Also, it doesn’t help your case if you weigh 300 pounds.  Let’s skip the chicken and fingers!  Go put some clothes on, do a normal pose, and hit the gym.

A guy dressed in a baby doll dress holding a cup of pee.  Now I swear that this one is out there.  Shit, I almost dropped my iPad when I saw it.  Why any guy would think a picture of him dressed in drag holding a cup of piss would turn anyone on is beyond me.  It takes all kinds right?  Good luck on finding that girl.

A picture of you wearing a lamb’s head.  Animal heads do not turn women on unless they are into furries.  If that’s the kind of girl you are trying to get, God’s speed.

Pictures of half-naked children running around.  OK unless they are your children, then you have no business putting up scantily dressed kids on your profile.  No one likes a pedophile.

Dick pictures.  This one is an oldy but a goody.  No one wants to see your dick.  I don’t care if it’s the most beautiful dick on the planet.  Keep it to yourself.  Women only want to see dicks up close and personal.

Hate Fun! Hate Sex!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick a woman up on Tinder please make sure your add doesn’t sound stupid.  For example,  don’t have your add say, “Hate fun, hate sex!”  Really?  Hate fun, hate sex?  Well then what do you like?  Slaughtering babies?  Eating kittens?  Watching beheadings?  Well now, if you put that on your Tinder profile I’m sure every girl out there will jump on that!!

PS:  A guy sent me a like yesterday on Tinder and he really had this on his page.  Good grief!!

 

Don’t Put Your Mugshot All Over Town

Dear Men of LA:

If you are looking for a woman do not put up flyers all over town asking women to be your girlfriend.  Go on Match.com.   Look at the grocery store for pete’s sake.  And if you are going to be crazy enough to put your mugshot all over town do not put the following on your flyer:

I am looking for a girlfriend.  This is no joke.  I am tired of looking on Ok Cupid and Tinder and thought I would give this a try.  I am reasonably sane and clean and you should be too!  No STDs here.  I love kittens, puppies, and everything magical.  Please respond if you love the same.  dating add

Broke Men Should Not Take Women Out To Dinner

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a lady out to dinner, please make sure you have enough money in your account first.  Don’t make her sit there and look embarrassed while your broke ass is trying to figure out how to pay the check.