Dear Men of LA:
What happened to the fairy tale? You know where the princess gets the prince? Instead, it seems like all we get these days is a bunch of frogs. I’ve been watching and reading a lot of chick stuff lately (don’t ask me why) and there’s always some grand romantic gesture where the guy always gets the girl. Where is the modern day grand gesture? Here’s what happens in real life.
A guy calls up a girl and asks her out on a date
Real life: A guys texts the girl in the middle of the night and asks her for a booty call.
A guy tries to woo the girl by giving her flowers, candy, sweet words, etc.
Real life: A guy texts her she looks hot and thinks that’s enough to get the girl to sleep with him. That’s wooing in the 21st century.
A guy tries to get to know the girl before he sleeps with her. He takes an interest in her thoughts, hobbies, and anything else in her life.
Real life: A guy only cares if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date. He only pretends to listen and I swear if there was a quiz after she slept with him he’d fail.
A guy who actually really listens to what a woman has to say. He actually pays attention.
Real life: Words go in one ear and out the other. No man ever really listens.
A real man opens a door for her, walks on the outside, offers her his coat, etc.
Real life: A homeless man starts assaulting the girl (spitting on her) and the spineless ass of a man runs away.
Dear Men of LA:
You’ve hit the grand prize. You are sleeping next to your girl every night. Hell yes! So do you want to keep sleeping next to her every night? Of course you do! So here’s a couple of things that girls do not like waking up to first thing in the morning. Avoid these and you’ll be having sweet dreams next to your girl every night.
1. Girls do not like a dick in their face when they wake up in the morning. Dude, you might just scare her to death. Contrary to popular belief, girls do not wake up wet and ready to go. Give her a minute to wake up. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to wake up with your girl smothering you with her……….
2. Girls do not like to wake up to bad breath or bad body odor. Run to the bathroom and put some toothpaste on your finger and brush your teeth. Use some of her perfume and deodorant. No one likes a smelly boyfriend, especially first thing in the morning.
3. Girls do not like a back rub or foot rub when they are sleeping. Leave her the hell alone. You are like a cat, you want to be fed so you figure if you give us a little attention like a little rub then we will reciprocate. (Damn if my two male cats do that every morning. They are clueless!!) Hell no we won’t. It’s annoying. All we want to do is sleep!
4. Girls don’t like it when you blow in their ear or start nibbling on the ear when they are asleep. This goes hand in hand with the above.
5. Girls don’t like it when you’ve had an accident in the middle of the night. You know what I mean. Farting, spillage, pee, etc. It’s her bed not yours. Hold it to you can get to the bathroom or closet or anywhere in the house but her bed!!! If you have an accident, it won’t be an accident when she never invites you to sleep over again.
6. Girls don’t like it when you hog the bed and or covers. We need some covers too!! You have your side. We have ours. Keep all of your body parts on your side!!!
Dear Men of LA:
Before you offer to give a girl a back rub please know at least halfway what you are doing. Now we all know “I’ll give you a back rub is code for “If I give you a back rub you’ll give me a blowjob or have sex with me. Quid Pro Quo” Now in the girl’s mind she’s cringing because she’s about to get some kind of back torture that rivals pain from the seventh circle of hell. So before you start kneading and punching the poor girl’s back and sending her into a pain so intense that she’ll probably have to go the ER later, take a breath. Watch a video. Surely there must be some kind of how to videos on back rubbing, sex, oral, and other things you might need to know for that special night with your lady. After all knowledge is power.
Dear Men of LA:
You are at a bar. You want to do a creative pick up move that you saw on some porno that you were watching the night before and you think, “hey it worked in that movie, surely it will work for me!!” We all know everything that happens in porn happens in real life right??? Hell No!!! So here’s a move you should never try at a bar. You see a hot girl sitting at the bar. You have a cold beer in your hand. You stealthly sneak up behind her and lift her shirt up and put the cold beer on her naked back. Magic!! What do you think is going to happen? She’s going to squeal in delight, jump up, and wrap her arms around you and whisper, “hey stud, take me home with you and let’s have wild monkey sex!” Hell No!!! She’s going to jump up, turn around, and smack the shit out of you. Then either her boyfriend or the girls she’s hanging with are going to jump on you like white on rice and beat the shit out of you. Just so you know porno pick up moves never work in real life.
Dear Men of LA:
Why can’t you just say you’re sorry if you screwed up? Is it that hard? You know you did the deed, man up and own up to it. Don’t put it all on your girl. Say you’re sorry if:
1. You left your girl hanging on Easter and didn’t text her back until 2 hours later that you weren’t coming at all. (Say You Are Sorry! At this rate, the Easter Bunny is never going to come see you again. And you know we’re really not talking about the Easter Bunny.)
2. You didn’t shut the back door, her cat, Miss TittyWinkles got out, and a coyote ate it. (Say You Are Sorry!! We know you didn’t like that damn cat. It always got in between you and you’re girl when you were trying to have sex like some weird kinky three way. But come on, no girl likes to be without her pussy!)
3. You dropped some of her tampons down the toilet and now it’s stopped up. (Say You Are Sorry!! Every girl’s bathroom is a mess. Live with it.)
4. You got caught flirting with a girl when you were out with you’re girl. (Say You are Sorry!! We all know men have a wondering eye. It’s natural. But be stealth about it or the next time it happens you’re girl may be wondering right at the door or her hand wondering towards a kitchen knife.)
5. And worse yet…… You got caught having sex with another woman. Say You Are Sorry!!! (No it’s not the girls fault your dick wondered off to find new territory. It’s not her fault it needed a new pussy to conquer. Say you are sorry and don’t do it again.)
6. You farted in her bed and now her $200 sheets smell like ass. Say You are Sorry!!! (Do you know how hard it is to find good sheets? We all know you just trot down to Target and buy those $9.99 sheets that scratch your ass like there is no tomorrow. No wonder you like sleeping at the girl’s house so much. But those sheets are expensive so just run to the closet and fart in there.)
7. You forgot her birthday, anniversary etc. Say You Are Sorry!! (We know you have a lot on your mind like sex, porn, masturbation, what’s on t.v. tonight, and who ate the last cupcake at work, but dates are important. You have a calendar on your phone! (wow really??) Use it!!)
Dear Men of LA:
I don’t understand why it’s so hard to go up to a girl and just say, “hello.” I don’t get why you feel like you must use some insanely stupid pick up line and then you think said pick up line will immediately make us think you are the best thing since chocolate. Here are some recent gems you absolutely should not use! Unless you want to get a drink thrown in your face or you don’t ever want to get laid again.
“I just need to touch your hair to make my life complete.”
“I bought this baby dress for you because I know you would make a wonderful mother.” (Absolutely do not use this one on a complete stranger!)
“Can I have your phone, because I want to put the world’s sexiest guy alive’s number in there.”
“Are you tired? Because we’ve been having sex in my dreams all night?”
“Your clothes would look really good on my bedroom floor.”
“My dick is looking for a new home. Could it be your vagina?”
PS: I’ve heard all of these gems in the last two weeks. The first two I heard last Friday night. Good grief!!!
PSS The above dress is the very dress the guy used to pick me up. Now it looks more like a dress for a two or three year old than a baby but then again do men know anything about baby dresses? I sure as hell don’t. ha ha
Dear Men of LA:
When you say you are on your way over to see your girl that means you are on your way over! It doesn’t mean I’ll show up four hours later. Now I know men are on their own time table. I know when a guys says, “I’m on my way over” he really means, “hey I have to get a snack, finish this porn from last night, and go grocery shopping.” THEN I”ll start making my way over. And let’s not forget on my way over means also that I have to stop at the store to get condoms, gas, and some beer. So next time you say, “I’m on my way over” get your butt in the car and be on your way over. Don’t keep her waiting or otherwise when you guys are getting ready to have sex she’ll keep you waiting!!I