How Do I Touch Your Boob?

This really happened last night.

Dear Men of LA:

It’s never a good idea to go up to a random girl in a bar and say, “how do I touch your boob?”  Really?  How do you think your night is going to end?  With a threesome?  Wild monkey sex?  Her letting you actually touch her boob?  Well, let me tell you none of the above is going to happen.  What is going to happen is she’s going to slap you so hard that you fall off the bar stool and you are going to hit your head on the cold cement floor.  Then you are going to have to go to the hospital because you’ll probably need stitches for your bleeding head.  You’ll end the night sitting in the waiting room next to a cross-dresser named Kitty who lets his hand slide down to your…………..   And the rest is history.   The moral of this story:  learn how to touch a boob on your own.

A Zipped Up Dick Is A Whole And Happy Dick!

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it when a man sticks his dick where it doesn’t belong it’s “complicated”?  It’s not complicated, just don’t do it.  Would you stick your dick in an electrical socket?  In a tiger’s mouth?  In a beehive?  No, you wouldn’t because that shit’s not complicated, it’s just plain common sense.  Besides, you may just find your girl using that same line when she’s cutting your dick off after she finds out it’s been somewhere it doesn’t belong.  A zipped up dick, is a whole and happy dick.

Lessons Learned From Valentine’s Day

Dear Men of LA:

Here are some important lessons guys should keep in mind about Valentine’s Day.

1  Using the excuse, “I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day” never works.  Wake up, moron!  There was Valentine’s Day crap everywhere from the grocery store to the pot dispensary.   And if you didn’t go to the store,  there was someone selling Valentine’s Day crap on every street corner in LA county.  You had to be blind, deaf, or stupid to not know it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.

2  I didn’t know what to get you.  That crap never works either.  Let me give you a clue.  Women love flowers.  I can’t think of a single girl I’ve ever met who didn’t like flowers.  It must be in our DNA, just like it’s in a guy’s DNA to be predisposed to hating Valentine’s Day.  It’s not that hard to go to someone’s yard, pick a flower, put it in some water, and then give it to her and say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

3.  Even if the girl says, “don’t worry about Valentine’s Day” you sure as shit better do something, even if it’s giving her a card.  Women don’t want to be perceived as high maintenance, but on Valentine’s Day I hate to say we are.  We’ve watched way too many romantic movies where the guy always steps up in the end with the romantic gesture.  So step up with a romantic gesture.  I don’t care if you have to suffer through The Notebook or Pretty Woman to figure it out.  Two hours of misery watching some chic flick is way better than two days of misery (where she calls you an asshole every five minutes and tells you that you are never getting laid again).

4.  Remember all the nice things she’s done for you and then suck it up and do something nice for her on Valentine’s Day.  I know you hate Valentine’s Day, but remember women love it.  So just remember the time she let you bring your dog and your mom’s dog over and they scared the shit out of her cat, Miss Tiddlywinks and she had to take the cat to the psychiatrist for post dramatic stress.  Remember all the times she let you put your stinky feet in her bed.  Remember all the times you left the toilet seat up and she almost fell in.  Also, Miss Tiddlywinks almost drowned from leaving the toilet seat up.   Just remember she does nice things for you every day.  Can it hurt for you to do something nice for her one day out of the year?

 

“My Grandma Used To Let Me Watch Her Masturbate” is not a good pick up line!

Dear Men of LA:

I heard this gem on Saturday night:

“Hello beautiful!  I want to go out with you.  I respect you so much.

“Sorry.  I’m going out with someone.”

“How can that be?  I respect you so much!”

“Hmmm.  Thanks!”

“I have so much respect for you.  My grandma taught me respect.  She used to let me watch her masturbate and got me a prostitute when I was thirteen.  She taught me so much respect!”

“What the hell?”

Let this be a lesson to all of you guys out there.  Telling a girl you used to watch your grandma masturbate is not the way to a girl’s heart!!…..Or her vagina!

 

Guys Always Want What They Can’t Have

Dear Men of LA:

Here is something I will never understand.  Why is it when a girl starts dating someone men come flooding out of the woodwork and are all over her like white on rice, but when she’s single, they act like she’s invisible.  Did the girl suddenly grow a third boob?  Did she transform into a triple x porn star?  Where were all you guys when she was sitting alone at night with her cat, Mrs Tittlywinks watching Sex In The City and double fisting Oreos and Nutter Butters? I guess the saying is true, guys always want what they can’t have.  I guarantee you that if the girl became single tomorrow, her third boob and porn star status would disappear and she’d go right back to being invisible.

I Do Not Want To Hear About Your Circumcision! I Don’t Want To See It Either!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick up a girl at the bar do not open with, “hey I just got a circumcision, do you want to hear about it?”  Hell no she doesn’t!  Also, don’t keep going on and on about it and then end with, “do you want to go to the bathroom and see it?  It looks a little weird, but it still works.”  Keep that shit to yourself, dude.  I have no idea why guys automatically think girls want to see their dicks.  Here’s a clue.  We don’t!  So let’s keep personal shit like circumcisions, nose hair stories, and jail experiences to ourselves.  Women don’t want to hear it.

You Know Why They Call Me The Cat Whisperer?

Dear Men of LA:
 
Pick up lines do not work. Going up to a girl in a bar and saying, “hey baby, do you come here often” is just like saying, “hey, girl I’m a douche that has no idea what to say to women.” I don’t think “do you come here often?” has ever worked on a girl. Do you really want to know if she comes there often? Hell no!! You just want to know if she cums often and how you can get her to make you cum. So next time you want to approach a girl here’s a clue. Pick up lines never work. I don’t care how clever you think they are.
Your clothes would look better lying on my floor.
You look like an angel that fell down from heaven.
I’ll treat you like my homework: Slam you on the table and do you all night long!
You know what I like in a girl? [What?] My dick.
You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?
You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
So let’s try a new approach. Go up to a girl and just say, “hi”!!!! I swear it’ll work a whole lot better than, “do you come here often”?