You Get The Room, I’ve Got The Sperm

Pick up lines from Monte Carlo Bar.  You know I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried.

Dear Men of LA:

Think before you speak.  Stupid lines will never get you laid.  Here are a few gems I heard last night:

You get the room, I’ve got the sperm.

You have the softest skin.  If you don’t quit rubbing my back I’m going to break your hand.  (That was me by the way!)  Oh, so you are a lesbian.  You know just because I don’t want you groping me doesn’t mean I’m gay.  It means I want to enjoy my cranberry juice in peace asshole.

Oh, you are a size 5?  That’s skinny!

Can I stay at your house and play video games?  I promise I won’t hit on you.

You are way too beautiful to be a photographer!  Wow!  Does that mean all photographers are ugly?  Hmmm.

I’m not a big shot.  I’m all about making love.

Do you want to play Pokemon?  Can I poke you man?

I’m gay!  Can you make me straight?

My dick is famous.  Can I make you famous?

I don’t let many people near my ass, but I’ll let you.

I have a Porshe.  I can’t wait to see you lying in the back of it.

You are just a notch on my belt.

And if you are really trying to impress a girl don’t close with the following:

I have mansions in Connecticut and North Carolina.   Maybe you could see them sometime.  Right now I’m staying at Wi Spa where they only charge you $25 a night.




How Am I Going To Get Saliva On Your Face?

Ok kids, since I’m on vacation in Antigua Guatemala this is going to be Dear Men of LA Antigua style.

Dear Men of Antigua, Guatemala

If you are trying to pick up a chick at a bar {like The Snug or Cafe No Se} then for the love of God don’t go up to her and say things like:

1  How am I going to get my saliva on your face?

2  You just got saliva raped!

Also if for some reason  the above lines just worked {and I don’t see how unless the girl is desperate or there was an act of God}

then don’t do the following,

Give her a bracelet made out of peanut shells you just made at the bar

and please do the following,

Go home and take a shower because your dog has been licking you at the bar all afternoon.  Also you may want to spray some cologne on the bracelet you just made her because your dog was licking that too.