“My Grandma Used To Let Me Watch Her Masturbate” is not a good pick up line!

Dear Men of LA:

I heard this gem on Saturday night:

“Hello beautiful!  I want to go out with you.  I respect you so much.

“Sorry.  I’m going out with someone.”

“How can that be?  I respect you so much!”

“Hmmm.  Thanks!”

“I have so much respect for you.  My grandma taught me respect.  She used to let me watch her masturbate and got me a prostitute when I was thirteen.  She taught me so much respect!”

“What the hell?”

Let this be a lesson to all of you guys out there.  Telling a girl you used to watch your grandma masturbate is not the way to a girl’s heart!!…..Or her vagina!


I Do Not Want To Hear About Your Circumcision! I Don’t Want To See It Either!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick up a girl at the bar do not open with, “hey I just got a circumcision, do you want to hear about it?”  Hell no she doesn’t!  Also, don’t keep going on and on about it and then end with, “do you want to go to the bathroom and see it?  It looks a little weird, but it still works.”  Keep that shit to yourself, dude.  I have no idea why guys automatically think girls want to see their dicks.  Here’s a clue.  We don’t!  So let’s keep personal shit like circumcisions, nose hair stories, and jail experiences to ourselves.  Women don’t want to hear it.

You Know Why They Call Me The Cat Whisperer?

Dear Men of LA:
Pick up lines do not work. Going up to a girl in a bar and saying, “hey baby, do you come here often” is just like saying, “hey, girl I’m a douche that has no idea what to say to women.” I don’t think “do you come here often?” has ever worked on a girl. Do you really want to know if she comes there often? Hell no!! You just want to know if she cums often and how you can get her to make you cum. So next time you want to approach a girl here’s a clue. Pick up lines never work. I don’t care how clever you think they are.
Your clothes would look better lying on my floor.
You look like an angel that fell down from heaven.
I’ll treat you like my homework: Slam you on the table and do you all night long!
You know what I like in a girl? [What?] My dick.
You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?
You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
So let’s try a new approach. Go up to a girl and just say, “hi”!!!! I swear it’ll work a whole lot better than, “do you come here often”?

What The Hell Is A Drive By?

Dear Men of LA:

(Witnessed last night!)

If you are a married man up at the bar trying to pick up some unsuspecting girl you may want to keep a few things in mind:

1.  Take off your wedding ring.  Women are not stupid.  One of the first things women check out on a man is their ring finger.  Then Facebook.

2.  Facebook   If you give her your real name you’d better not have any photos of your wife/significant other all over your facebook page.  That’s a dead giveaway.  Make up a fake page and give it to her.  (I’ve known guys who have done this.)

3.  Don’t say, “I promise you aren’t just a drive by.”  First off, what the hell is a “drive by?”  Is it something like a drive-in?  Look if you are going to use a girl like she’s a Seven Eleven, then don’t tell her.  She’s never going to go home with you (if she’s smart) if you use her like she’s a hooker straight off Hollywood Blvd.

4.  If you are going to pull a drive by on her don’t say it so loud that the whole bar hears you.  Keep your mouth shut.  I guarantee you there’s at least one girl that will come to your intended victim’s aid.  She’ll probably kick your ass.

5.  If in the end you do shoot off your mouth and a bunch of girls descend on you like they are at Marc Jacob’s sample sale time to haul ass.  Pissed off girls will kick your ass.  You may just end up going home with your dick in your hand.  And not in a good way!

What Not To Say To A Girl When You Are Trying To Pick Her Up

I swear I heard every single one of these the other night!

Dear Men of LA:

We all know it’s hard talking to the opposite sex.  It’s hard coming up with those magical words that will make her want to have sex with you.  BUT for the love of God do not say any of the following unless you want to get laughed at, slapped, or have a drink thrown in your face.

1  Old is not bad.

2  I’ve been drinking all night!  Guess what?  I can still get it up!

3  I want you to go home with me.  I promise I won’t hurt you.

4  I’m laying seeds so I can lay some pipe.

5  I’m going home to masterbate with my tears.

6  You are not milf territory yet.

7  If you don’t go home with me I’m going to sleep under a tree.

I Wish I Was Singular!

Dear Men of LA:

Pick up lines can be good or bad.  If they make a girl laugh or smile then keep on going.  If they make her throw a drink in your face then move along.  I swear my favorite opening line of all time is, “Hi” which no one seems to know about.  Here are some funny lines I’ve heard myself or read that I thought were funny, stupid, or both.  Use at your own risks.

You are so pretty!  I wish I was singular.  Do you mean single?  Yeah, that too!  (Honestly, this is one of my all time favorite.  I heard this last week.)

Are you a photographer?  Wow!  Well I’m not one, but I can picture me and you together.

Do you know who what my shirt is made of?  Boyfriend material.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink.  Why?  Because when I saw you, I dropped mine.

I’m not staring at your boobs, I’m staring at your heart.

Are you a cheeto cause I’d love to lick you off my fingers.

Damn girl, you look like you’ve got mad vagina game.

I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s.  I’ll have it my way, and you’ll be lovin’ it.

Did you have lucky charms for breakfast?   Because you are magically delicious!

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer

Why Don’t You Come Over To My Table and I Can Feed You Some Of My………

Dear Men of LA:

If a woman is having dinner with a man do not go up to her while they are eating and try to pick her up.  Really?  Do you think she’s going to automatically stop eating and drop everything to off into the sunset with you?  Is she going to have you join them and then maybe have some menage trois action going on later?  Let the below be a lesson in what NOT to do:

Man and Woman eating dinner in a restaurant.  He’s having a burger, she’s having calamari.

Strange dude comes up to them:

“Hey beautiful what are you eating tonight?”

“Um Calamari.”

“Wow, that looks good.  Can I set down with you and have some?”

“I don’t think that would be appropriate”

“Better yet why don’t you come over to my table and sit down with me and I can feed you some of my……….”

I swear weird guys follow me everywhere I go.