Every Time You Masturbate Santa Kills A Kitten

Dear Men of LA:

Do not use Santa Clause and kittens as a pick up tool.  Never post a picture of yourself on Tinder lying naked on a tiger skin rug.  Really?  Do you think this is going to get you laid?  In your dreams maybe, but not in reality.  And never post the following message unless you never want to get laid again:

“Ladies?  Every time you masturbate, Santa kills a kitten…….  Think of the kittens!”

PS  The above was from a real add I saw on Tinder last night!


Can You Wear Soft Soled Shoes So My Wife Won’t Catch Us Having Sex

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going out on a date, do not say, “hey can you wear soft sole shoes so my neighbors won’t hear you when we are walking up my driveway?’  Really?  Do you think I stomp around like an elephant while I’m walking?  Do your neighbors really give a shit if you bring a woman home?  No one cares!  Well I guess your wife cares if you bring home a woman that’s not her.

We Can’t Have Sex In The House Because My Wife Is Asleep

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a woman home please make sure your wife is out of the house.  Don’t let the following happen:

“Hey we have to go to the back yard if we are going to have sex.”

“Why is that?”

“Don’t you want to have sex under the stars?  I have a nice comfy bed in the yard.”

“But I don’t understand why we can’t  go in the house.”

“Because my wife is in the house asleep.  But don’t worry, she won’t hear us.  She sleeps with the air conditioning on and it’s really loud.”

The above is a true story.  I don’t know why men think they are going to get away with this shit!

Here Kitty Kitty. Bang! Bang!

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t send messages to a girl on Ok Cupid like the following:

Do you have pets?   Do you have kitty insurance?  If you don’t it’s too bad because my long hard pistol would love to bang your kitty.  Here kitty kitty.  Bang! Bang! Bang!

Really?  What are you thinking?  Do you really think a girl is going to write back to you and say, “oh baby, come over to my house and bang the shit out of me?”  Only in your dreams big man.  Only in your dreams.

Don’t Show Your Dick To A Girl In A Bar

Dear Men of LA:

If you see a cute girl at a bar and you are trying to hit on her don’t sit down next to her and whip your dick out.  Don’t say, “do you like it” while you are showing it to her.  Believe me she doesn’t want to see it.  You’re either going to get arrested or get your ass beat.  Why not just say hello my name is Eduardo!

Don’t Put Your Mugshot All Over Town

Dear Men of LA:

If you are looking for a woman do not put up flyers all over town asking women to be your girlfriend.  Go on Match.com.   Look at the grocery store for pete’s sake.  And if you are going to be crazy enough to put your mugshot all over town do not put the following on your flyer:

I am looking for a girlfriend.  This is no joke.  I am tired of looking on Ok Cupid and Tinder and thought I would give this a try.  I am reasonably sane and clean and you should be too!  No STDs here.  I love kittens, puppies, and everything magical.  Please respond if you love the same.  dating add

No One Likes A Clingy Guy Or Stalker

Dear Men of LA:

When you go out with a girl for the first time and she drops you off at your place, at least wait until the next day to text her.   Do not text her ten minutes after you walk in the door.  Do not say, “hey I had a really good time, I’m already missing you.”  Or, “hey, I can’t stop thinking about you ever since I left your side two minutes ago.”  Or, “hey I know we were meant to be together even though we just met five hours ago.  It’s my destiny to be with you.”  Give the girl a chance to breathe.  No one likes a clingy guy or a stalker.