Here Kitty Kitty. Bang! Bang!

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t send messages to a girl on Ok Cupid like the following:

Do you have pets?   Do you have kitty insurance?  If you don’t it’s too bad because my long hard pistol would love to bang your kitty.  Here kitty kitty.  Bang! Bang! Bang!

Really?  What are you thinking?  Do you really think a girl is going to write back to you and say, “oh baby, come over to my house and bang the shit out of me?”  Only in your dreams big man.  Only in your dreams.

Don’t Put Your Mugshot All Over Town

Dear Men of LA:

If you are looking for a woman do not put up flyers all over town asking women to be your girlfriend.  Go on Match.com.   Look at the grocery store for pete’s sake.  And if you are going to be crazy enough to put your mugshot all over town do not put the following on your flyer:

I am looking for a girlfriend.  This is no joke.  I am tired of looking on Ok Cupid and Tinder and thought I would give this a try.  I am reasonably sane and clean and you should be too!  No STDs here.  I love kittens, puppies, and everything magical.  Please respond if you love the same.  dating add

Let’s Keep Your Criminal Record Private

Dear Men of LA:

If you go out with a girl for the first time, try not to bring up your criminal record.  Don’t say in the middle of dinner, “hey I’m really hoping the judge will bring my charges down to misdemeanor assault.  It would be so much better than felony battery.”   Oh and for God’s sake if your date asks you what happened (and you know she will) just say you don’t want to talk about it.  Don’t say, “Well I did something really evil to my wife and she may never stand up straight again.”  Yeah I doubt you are ever gonna get a second date.  Let’s keep our criminal record to ourselves, or until at least the third date after you’ve gotten laid.

Broke Men Should Not Take Women Out To Dinner

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a lady out to dinner, please make sure you have enough money in your account first.  Don’t make her sit there and look embarrassed while your broke ass is trying to figure out how to pay the check.