Dear Men: Quit Acting Like A Girl

Dear Men of LA:

Recently I’ve noticed that guys are acting like girls!  What the hell?  Let’s look at some examples.

1  Men keep on asking over and over things like “are you sure it’s ok if I spend the night?” or “are you sure if I come along on girl’s night?”  If I’ve told you once that it’s ok, then it’s ok.  Well it’s probably not but just go with it.  No woman wants to hear shit over and over again.  It’s a drag.

2.  Men want to sleep over every night.  Come on!  We want at least one night alone to watch our girly shows and slobber over Charlie Hunnam!

3.  Men are clingy.  When they sleep over they want to cuddle and snuggle and talk about shit.  Look, you have your side of the bed and I have mine.  Give a girl some space to breathe.  If you need someone to cuddle with I can let you borrow my cat, Mr. Oliver Tittywinks.

4.  Men want to cuddle with your cat if they can’t cuddle with you.  I said you can borrow Mr. Oliver Tittywinks.  I didn’t say you could smother him.  

5.  Men being clingy or insecure!  “Oh my God!  She has a facebook picture of her and another guy.  Do you think she’s dating him too?”  (That’s what you get for facebook stalking!)  “She hasn’t texted me back all day!  Is she not into me anymore?”  “Do you think I look OK?  I swear this shirt makes me look fat.”  I swear I’ve heard all three from guy friends recently.

 

Never Use Masterbate, Grandma, And Dick In The Same Sentence

Dear Men of LA:

I overheard and saw these precious gems while I was at my local clubhouse (the bar) yesterday.  Do not say or do any of the below unless you want to be permanently maimed, spit on, slapped, or all three.

  1.  Does your sexy kitty want to come out in play?  I’d sure like to pet it.
  2. Use the words masturbate, grandma, and dick in the same sentence.
  3. Never go up and lick her face and bite her chin.
  4. After said biting and licking say, “sex, money?”
  5. I would like to bend you over the bar and show you how the old folks do it.
  6. Follow her to the bathroom so you can show her “how to flush the toilet”
  7. Offer to paint her toenails and then lick them.
  8. Have you put on some weight?  Let me help you work it off.
  9.  Pass out bananas and then say, “I’d sure like to show you where I can put this banana!”

You Get The Room, I’ve Got The Sperm

Pick up lines from Monte Carlo Bar.  You know I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried.

Dear Men of LA:

Think before you speak.  Stupid lines will never get you laid.  Here are a few gems I heard last night:

You get the room, I’ve got the sperm.

You have the softest skin.  If you don’t quit rubbing my back I’m going to break your hand.  (That was me by the way!)  Oh, so you are a lesbian.  You know just because I don’t want you groping me doesn’t mean I’m gay.  It means I want to enjoy my cranberry juice in peace asshole.

Oh, you are a size 5?  That’s skinny!

Can I stay at your house and play video games?  I promise I won’t hit on you.

You are way too beautiful to be a photographer!  Wow!  Does that mean all photographers are ugly?  Hmmm.

I’m not a big shot.  I’m all about making love.

Do you want to play Pokemon?  Can I poke you man?

I’m gay!  Can you make me straight?

My dick is famous.  Can I make you famous?

I don’t let many people near my ass, but I’ll let you.

I have a Porshe.  I can’t wait to see you lying in the back of it.

You are just a notch on my belt.

And if you are really trying to impress a girl don’t close with the following:

I have mansions in Connecticut and North Carolina.   Maybe you could see them sometime.  Right now I’m staying at Wi Spa where they only charge you $25 a night.

 

 

 

Penis Numbing Spray Is Never A Good Idea

Dear Men of LA:

Never use penis numbing spray on your dick to keep yourself from cumming.  I don’t care if the bottle says, ” become an endurance champion through the magic of a medically deadened penis“, it’s not a good idea. (Yeah a dead penis always sounds sexy!)  Imagine if you spray that shit on your dick and then your lady goes down on you.  What do you think is going to happen?  I tell you what’s going to happen.  Your woman’s mouth is going to go completely numb and she will lose all feeling in her mouth.  She will not be able to suck.  She will not be able to talk.  She will just lie there with her mouth hanging open and drool running out of her mouth.  Hot!!  I’m sure she’s gonna want to have sex with you after you just deadened her mouth like a damn dentist.  So the next time you want to keep yourself from cumming, do what every other red-blooded male does.  Think about your mom and dad having sex.  I guarantee that will slow your dick down.

There Is No Fairy Tale!

Dear Men of LA:

What happened to the fairy tale?  You know where the princess gets the prince?  Instead, it seems like all we get these days is a bunch of frogs.  I’ve been watching and reading a lot of chick stuff lately (don’t ask me why) and there’s always some grand romantic gesture where the guy always gets the girl.  Where is the modern day grand gesture?  Here’s what happens in real life.

A guy calls up a girl and asks her out on a date

Real life:  A guys texts the girl in the middle of the night and asks her for a booty call.

A guy tries to woo the girl by giving her flowers, candy, sweet words, etc.

Real life:  A guy texts her she looks hot and thinks that’s enough to get the girl to sleep with him.  That’s wooing in the 21st century.

A guy tries to get to know the girl before he sleeps with her.  He takes an interest in her thoughts, hobbies, and anything else in her life.

Real life:  A guy only cares if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date.   He only pretends to listen and I swear if there was a quiz after she slept with him he’d fail.

A guy who actually really listens to what a woman has to say.  He actually pays attention.

Real life:  Words go in one ear and out the other.  No man ever really listens.

A real man opens a door for her, walks on the outside, offers her his coat, etc.

Real life:  A homeless man starts assaulting the girl (spitting on her) and the spineless ass of a man runs away.

Older Man, Younger Girl: There’s Nothing To Talk About

Thanks for the inspiration last night J.

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t bitch and moan about having nothing to talk about to the girl you are dating if she’s like 20.  First off she’s a girl, not a woman.  What does she have to talk about?  Her newest Hello Kitty accessory?   Lollipops?  The newest Taylor Swift song?  Seriously!!  She may look hot in bed and is wrinkle free, but can you really have a good time with her?  Can you talk to her on an adult level about art, politics, and everything else in the world?  So what if she looks great in bed.  Does she even know what she’s doing or is she just lying there?  I did not know jack when I was 20, but I guarantee you I know a lot more now.  I’m also a lot more comfortable in my own skin and definitely more confident.  Remember this:  looks are not permanent.  What if your hot 20-year-old girlfriend is in a car accident the next day and all of her looks are gone?  What are you going to do then?  Play Candyland with her?  Talk about the newest Kendall and Kylie clothing line?  Go find another 20-year-old?  Or are you  going to go find a real woman who is around your age and you can have a real relationship with?  Remember this:  looks fade, but what’s on the inside of a person never goes away.

Don’t Lie! You Wouldn’t Want A Girl To Say You Are Great In Bed When You Really Sucked!

Dear Men of LA:

Here’s a clue.  Women like honesty.  They hate to be lied to.  You wouldn’t want a girl to lie to you and say you were great in bed when you really sucked ass.  Or say you had a big dick, but really it was so small that you could barely see it.  If you really don’t want to go to a party don’t lie and say you are on the way.  Don’t waste her motherfucking time.  Here’s a few other things not to lie about.

1  If she’s fat, don’t lie.   Be honest.  If she’s fat, tell her she’s fat.  Just say it in a nice way.  Make her be inspired to go to the gym.

2  If you killed her cat Miss Tiddlywinks, don’t lie.  Tell her about it.  We know you didn’t mean to flush her cat down the toilet.  Just go and get her another cat and pray for forgiveness.

3.  If she sucks at sex, don’t lie.  Go get her a couple of pornos and show her the way.  She may really appreciate some instruction.

4.  If her clothes are ugly, don’t lie.  Tell her they’re ugly, but again, in a nice way.  Take her shopping.  Women love to shop.

5.  If she smells, don’t lie.  Tell her so.  True story.  Honestly, I had really strong underarm odor and I wore all the wrong perfume.  Luckily, I had a boyfriend that told me the truth and did so in a really constructive way.  Now I wear the strongest deodorant there is and Dolche and Gabanna Light Blue and everyone says I smell great.

6.  If her pussy smells, don’t lie.  Same rules apply.  They make douches for that shit.  She’s gonna notice something is wrong when you don’t want to go down on her.  Also, make sure your dick smells good as well or she’s not going to want to go down on you either.