Never Use Masterbate, Grandma, And Dick In The Same Sentence

Dear Men of LA:

I overheard and saw these precious gems while I was at my local clubhouse (the bar) yesterday.  Do not say or do any of the below unless you want to be permanently maimed, spit on, slapped, or all three.

  1.  Does your sexy kitty want to come out in play?  I’d sure like to pet it.
  2. Use the words masturbate, grandma, and dick in the same sentence.
  3. Never go up and lick her face and bite her chin.
  4. After said biting and licking say, “sex, money?”
  5. I would like to bend you over the bar and show you how the old folks do it.
  6. Follow her to the bathroom so you can show her “how to flush the toilet”
  7. Offer to paint her toenails and then lick them.
  8. Have you put on some weight?  Let me help you work it off.
  9.  Pass out bananas and then say, “I’d sure like to show you where I can put this banana!”

Every Time You Masturbate Santa Kills A Kitten

Dear Men of LA:

Do not use Santa Clause and kittens as a pick up tool.  Never post a picture of yourself on Tinder lying naked on a tiger skin rug.  Really?  Do you think this is going to get you laid?  In your dreams maybe, but not in reality.  And never post the following message unless you never want to get laid again:

“Ladies?  Every time you masturbate, Santa kills a kitten…….  Think of the kittens!”

PS  The above was from a real add I saw on Tinder last night!