There Is No Fairy Tale!

Dear Men of LA:

What happened to the fairy tale?  You know where the princess gets the prince?  Instead, it seems like all we get these days is a bunch of frogs.  I’ve been watching and reading a lot of chick stuff lately (don’t ask me why) and there’s always some grand romantic gesture where the guy always gets the girl.  Where is the modern day grand gesture?  Here’s what happens in real life.

A guy calls up a girl and asks her out on a date

Real life:  A guys texts the girl in the middle of the night and asks her for a booty call.

A guy tries to woo the girl by giving her flowers, candy, sweet words, etc.

Real life:  A guy texts her she looks hot and thinks that’s enough to get the girl to sleep with him.  That’s wooing in the 21st century.

A guy tries to get to know the girl before he sleeps with her.  He takes an interest in her thoughts, hobbies, and anything else in her life.

Real life:  A guy only cares if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date.   He only pretends to listen and I swear if there was a quiz after she slept with him he’d fail.

A guy who actually really listens to what a woman has to say.  He actually pays attention.

Real life:  Words go in one ear and out the other.  No man ever really listens.

A real man opens a door for her, walks on the outside, offers her his coat, etc.

Real life:  A homeless man starts assaulting the girl (spitting on her) and the spineless ass of a man runs away.

Older Man, Younger Girl: There’s Nothing To Talk About

Thanks for the inspiration last night J.

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t bitch and moan about having nothing to talk about to the girl you are dating if she’s like 20.  First off she’s a girl, not a woman.  What does she have to talk about?  Her newest Hello Kitty accessory?   Lollipops?  The newest Taylor Swift song?  Seriously!!  She may look hot in bed and is wrinkle free, but can you really have a good time with her?  Can you talk to her on an adult level about art, politics, and everything else in the world?  So what if she looks great in bed.  Does she even know what she’s doing or is she just lying there?  I did not know jack when I was 20, but I guarantee you I know a lot more now.  I’m also a lot more comfortable in my own skin and definitely more confident.  Remember this:  looks are not permanent.  What if your hot 20-year-old girlfriend is in a car accident the next day and all of her looks are gone?  What are you going to do then?  Play Candyland with her?  Talk about the newest Kendall and Kylie clothing line?  Go find another 20-year-old?  Or are you  going to go find a real woman who is around your age and you can have a real relationship with?  Remember this:  looks fade, but what’s on the inside of a person never goes away.

Women Are Smarter Than You Think

Dear Men of LA:

Women are a lot smarter than you think they are.  We’re on to your code words and little white lies.  Here’s a list of regular code words or phrases that you use that we know what you really mean.

I’m an independent contractor, I don’t have a regular job, I’m independently wealthy etc.  Women around the world know it’s code for I don’t have a job.  Find a more creative way to say it so we’re not on to you.

I’m a writer or an actor.  Women also know that’s code for I’m unemployed.

I don’t have a girl friend but I’m seeing someone.  OK own up to it.  You have a girlfriend.  At least she thinks she’s your girlfriend.  We all know you are trying to hedge your bets.  Stick with your girlfriend.

I’m between places right now.  We all know that’s code for I’m living with my parents.

You can’t come over right now because my place is a wreck.  What guy’s place isn’t always a wreck?  That’s code for I live with like 10 roommates or I live with my parents.

I can’t friend you on facebook because I have too many stalkers.  That’s code for I have a girlfriend and I don’t want you to know I have one.

Hey I left my wallet at home but I’ll be glad to buy the drinks the next time we go out.  That’s code for you are dead broke.  We know it.  Now know this.  There will be no next date.  Or…

My atm card doesn’t work at this ATM machine.  Can I get you the next time?  Same as above.

 

 

 

Accept Your Girl Just As She Is

Dear Men of LA:

Accept your girl just as she is.  Don’t go trying to change her.  She’s great just like she is.  She’s going out with you isn’t she?  If you wanted a barbie doll with gigantic size boobs and an IQ of 50 you should have picked her instead.  If you wanted a porn star who could fit three dicks in her mouth (because we all know that’s sexy) you should have picked her.  No one is perfect.  We all screw up.  We may not dress perfectly all the time, we might fart, we may say the wrong thing, but deep inside we are all a great person.  So be lucky you have that girl.  You aren’t sitting home alone, jacking off, watching some crap porn.  You have a great person lying next to you.  Be thankful.

The Road To Getting Laid Is Filled With Good Intentions And White Lies

Dear Men of LA:

Women spend a lot of time and money trying to look good for you guys.  We don’t get out of bed every day looking like a sexed up barbie doll.  So compliment your girl.  But watch what you say!!  Women have Batman like radar and the littlest thing can be taken as criticism.  Sometimes you mean us to take it that way, sometimes you don’t.  But here are a few sentences to be mindful of.

1.  Did you cut your hair?  In woman speak that means, “Oh god you cut your hair!  You look like an ugly man now!  Go get some extensions!”  Instead say, “Wow I love your hair.  It makes you look magical!”  Say it even if you don’t mean it.  It’s going to save you both a lot of tears down the road.

2.  Did you gain weight?   Now any guy with half an ounce of common sense knows never to ask this question.   Women are more sensitive about their weight than a man is sensitive about the size of his dick.  This is one of those instances that you have to keep it to yourself.  And if you must say something (and are too stupid to keep your mouth shut) say something like, “Wow that dress looks amazing on you.  It really makes you look thinner.”  Or “Honey, I don’t see any weight gain at all.”  Or “It all looks good from behind!”

3.  What made you decide to buy that dress?  We all know that’s code for, “Man that dress is butt ugly.”  Sometimes we are just as sensitive about our clothes as our weight.  We’re trying to look good for you remember?  Try to say something positive.  Don’t say, “Wow that dress is interesting.”  That’s still code for, “Man that dress is butt ugly.”  Instead say, “Wow that dress is beautiful!”  Lie your ass off.  Remember the road to getting her in the sack is filled with good intentions and little white lies.

4.  Your perfume is a little strong.   Women know that’s code for, “You stink like hell.”  Suck it up.  Hold your breath if you have to.  Roll the window down.  Also you can try, “Your perfume is great but I’m allergic to perfumes.  Can you please not wear any the next time?”

I Wanta Have Sex With You But I Respecta You Too Much

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick up a girl in the bar here are three examples of what NOT to do:

Situation 1

“I wanta (yes wanta) have sex with you.”

“No thank you.”

“Ok I respecta (yes respecta) you.  I leave you alone.”

Then go back 5 minutes later and say “I still wanta have sex with you.”

Here’s a clue.  She did not magically change her mind in the last five minutes. She did not find Jesus and decide you were the best thing on the planet.  Move along and find your next victim!!

Situation 2

“Hey girl how’s it going?”

“Good and you.”

“Great!  Listen I’ve got a full bar back in my room I put together myself.  Would you like to get a drink there with me if you know what I mean?”  And then hit the girl on the arm and wink at her!

Really?  What do you mean?  Do you mean would we like to get a drink with you or do you mean would we like to go to your room and possibly get roofied by you which surely leads to sex?  Do you think we would like to go to your room even though you are a complete stranger who we just met a minute ago?  Do you think we would like to drink your $3 vodka you got from Mexican Costco vs our top shelf Tequila we just paid $15 for?  Lastly don’t hit a girl on the arm and then wink at her.  You are not in the fifth grade nor is it the 70’s and you are staring in a trashy porno.

Situation 3

If you are just meeting a girl don’t clap your hands in her face.  You are going to scare the shit out of her.  Save the clapping when she actually decides to have sex with you.

 

For you Arturo!  You and Vania are my heroes!

 

 

 

Clean Your House Before Having Sex

Dear Men of LA:

If you invite a woman over to your house (especially if it’s for the first time) (double especially if it’s to have sex which we all know that’s what you invited her over for) then please make sure your house doesn’t look like a frat house that hasn’t been cleaned since the dawn of time.  Here’s a few things you might want to do:

Clean The Bathroom:  Make sure all of your big ass turds are flushed (no one likes a floaty).  Make sure you spray some air freshner around.  Industrial strength if you can get it from the 99 cents store.  And scrub that bathtub.  Believe it or not girls look at your bathtub.  They are not going to want to do the nasty with you if your bathtub looks like a crime scene.

Clean The Kitchen.  What if your girl gets up in the middle of the night and wanders into your kitchen for a class of water.  Do you really want her to see a sink full of dishes covered in cock roaches?  That will send her screaming out the door and I guarantee you that you will never get laid again.  Also use some of that industrial strength air freshner in there.

Clean The Living Room.  Pick up all of those half read comics.   Make sure all of the porno magazines are put away.   You have a live woman in your house.  You don’t need them.  Also make sure there are no stains on the couch.  You know what kind of stains I’m talking about.   The kind that comes from your hand and………..

Clean Your Bedroom:  Throw all of those dirty socks underneath your bed.  Put clean sheets on the bed.  If you don’t have any go get some.  Putting a clean towel on the bed for her to lay on does not count as clean sheets.  Neither do paper towels.