Late Night Adventures at The Grocery Store

Dear Men of LA,

The grocery store is not a good place to pick up chicks, especially at 1 am.  A girl is only at the grocery store at 1 am for two things:  wine and ice cream.  She’s not there for a late night drive by.   Here are some examples of definite DON’TS that I witnessed one night on my way home from work:

1  DON’T   Go up to a girl while she’s looking at wine, plant your nose in her neck and then say, “wow you smell good.  Want to come home with me?”

2  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you want to see my new dildo?  It’s a present for my cousin.”   Also don’t show it to her, especially if you are a really old guy that smells like shit.

3  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you know where they keep the $3.99 wine?  I want to impress a girl tonight.  Do you think that will impress her?”

4  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “why are you alone at the grocery store this time of night?  Are you looking to get laid?  I’d be happy to offer my stud services!”

5  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “I’m a lot better for you than ice cream and I’m a lot less fattening.”

 

Dear Men: Quit Acting Like A Girl

Dear Men of LA:

Recently I’ve noticed that guys are acting like girls!  What the hell?  Let’s look at some examples.

1  Men keep on asking over and over things like “are you sure it’s ok if I spend the night?” or “are you sure if I come along on girl’s night?”  If I’ve told you once that it’s ok, then it’s ok.  Well it’s probably not but just go with it.  No woman wants to hear shit over and over again.  It’s a drag.

2.  Men want to sleep over every night.  Come on!  We want at least one night alone to watch our girly shows and slobber over Charlie Hunnam!

3.  Men are clingy.  When they sleep over they want to cuddle and snuggle and talk about shit.  Look, you have your side of the bed and I have mine.  Give a girl some space to breathe.  If you need someone to cuddle with I can let you borrow my cat, Mr. Oliver Tittywinks.

4.  Men want to cuddle with your cat if they can’t cuddle with you.  I said you can borrow Mr. Oliver Tittywinks.  I didn’t say you could smother him.  

5.  Men being clingy or insecure!  “Oh my God!  She has a facebook picture of her and another guy.  Do you think she’s dating him too?”  (That’s what you get for facebook stalking!)  “She hasn’t texted me back all day!  Is she not into me anymore?”  “Do you think I look OK?  I swear this shirt makes me look fat.”  I swear I’ve heard all three from guy friends recently.

 

Cash or Ass?

Dear Men of LA:

What number date is the best date to have sex on?  First, second, third, fourth, or fifth?  I think it depends on the person you are with.  What do you think?  These are some of the gems I heard from the guys at the bar.

Cash or Ass!  Either you pay for my dinner or give me ass.   Wow!  I bet the ladies are just dying to go out with you with that logic.

Girls have the 5 date rule.  They like to wait 5 dates before putting out.  Men have the reverse rule.  If they have to wait 5 dates they are gone.   Just remember some things are worth the wait!

Pussy has to play.  If not, pussy has to go!   Here’s a clue.  Pussy doesn’t have to do anything.

Finally, here’s one guy’s beautiful logic.   “If she doesn’t put out by the third date then I have to break up with her.  I’m just wasting my money.  But I hate breaking up with a chick so I just go have sex with one of her friends and that way she’ll break up with me.  It’s a win win situation.  I get sex and the chick breaks up with me!!!”

I swear I couldn’t make up this crap up if I tried!!!

Don’t Give A Girl Breast Milk On A Date!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a girl back to your place give her a nice glass of wine!  Give her a beer!  Give her a coke!  Do not give her a glass of breast milk.  According to the guys at the bar it’s the yummiest thing ever!   So, where does one get breast milk to serve to the ladies?  Is it on the black market?  Can you run down to Trader Joe’s and get it?  Let me give you a clue.  I don’t care how yummy breast milk is, no girl in her right mind (and even the ones who aren’t) wants to drink milk that comes from another girl’s boobs.  Stick with that two buck chuck you get from Trader Joes.

Never Use Masterbate, Grandma, And Dick In The Same Sentence

Dear Men of LA:

I overheard and saw these precious gems while I was at my local clubhouse (the bar) yesterday.  Do not say or do any of the below unless you want to be permanently maimed, spit on, slapped, or all three.

  1.  Does your sexy kitty want to come out in play?  I’d sure like to pet it.
  2. Use the words masturbate, grandma, and dick in the same sentence.
  3. Never go up and lick her face and bite her chin.
  4. After said biting and licking say, “sex, money?”
  5. I would like to bend you over the bar and show you how the old folks do it.
  6. Follow her to the bathroom so you can show her “how to flush the toilet”
  7. Offer to paint her toenails and then lick them.
  8. Have you put on some weight?  Let me help you work it off.
  9.  Pass out bananas and then say, “I’d sure like to show you where I can put this banana!”

A Zipped Up Dick Is A Whole And Happy Dick!

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it when a man sticks his dick where it doesn’t belong it’s “complicated”?  It’s not complicated, just don’t do it.  Would you stick your dick in an electrical socket?  In a tiger’s mouth?  In a beehive?  No, you wouldn’t because that shit’s not complicated, it’s just plain common sense.  Besides, you may just find your girl using that same line when she’s cutting your dick off after she finds out it’s been somewhere it doesn’t belong.  A zipped up dick, is a whole and happy dick.

Old Spice Does Not Get You Laid

Dear Men of LA:

I just heard this at the grocery store.  “I wear old spice so all of the women that have daddy issues will be attracted to me.”  Let me give you a clue.  No guy wearing old spice ever gets laid.  Any girl that has daddy issues will be attracted to a fifty-year-old guy that looks like her dad or a seventy-year-old guy that looks like her grandpa, not a twenty-five-year-old dude that doesn’t have a clue about cologne and women.