Cash or Ass?

Dear Men of LA:

What number date is the best date to have sex on?  First, second, third, fourth, or fifth?  I think it depends on the person you are with.  What do you think?  These are some of the gems I heard from the guys at the bar.

Cash or Ass!  Either you pay for my dinner or give me ass.   Wow!  I bet the ladies are just dying to go out with you with that logic.

Girls have the 5 date rule.  They like to wait 5 dates before putting out.  Men have the reverse rule.  If they have to wait 5 dates they are gone.   Just remember some things are worth the wait!

Pussy has to play.  If not, pussy has to go!   Here’s a clue.  Pussy doesn’t have to do anything.

Finally, here’s one guy’s beautiful logic.   “If she doesn’t put out by the third date then I have to break up with her.  I’m just wasting my money.  But I hate breaking up with a chick so I just go have sex with one of her friends and that way she’ll break up with me.  It’s a win win situation.  I get sex and the chick breaks up with me!!!”

I swear I couldn’t make up this crap up if I tried!!!

Don’t Give A Girl Breast Milk On A Date!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a girl back to your place give her a nice glass of wine!  Give her a beer!  Give her a coke!  Do not give her a glass of breast milk.  According to the guys at the bar it’s the yummiest thing ever!   So, where does one get breast milk to serve to the ladies?  Is it on the black market?  Can you run down to Trader Joe’s and get it?  Let me give you a clue.  I don’t care how yummy breast milk is, no girl in her right mind (and even the ones who aren’t) wants to drink milk that comes from another girl’s boobs.  Stick with that two buck chuck you get from Trader Joes.

Never Use Masterbate, Grandma, And Dick In The Same Sentence

Dear Men of LA:

I overheard and saw these precious gems while I was at my local clubhouse (the bar) yesterday.  Do not say or do any of the below unless you want to be permanently maimed, spit on, slapped, or all three.

  1.  Does your sexy kitty want to come out in play?  I’d sure like to pet it.
  2. Use the words masturbate, grandma, and dick in the same sentence.
  3. Never go up and lick her face and bite her chin.
  4. After said biting and licking say, “sex, money?”
  5. I would like to bend you over the bar and show you how the old folks do it.
  6. Follow her to the bathroom so you can show her “how to flush the toilet”
  7. Offer to paint her toenails and then lick them.
  8. Have you put on some weight?  Let me help you work it off.
  9.  Pass out bananas and then say, “I’d sure like to show you where I can put this banana!”

A Zipped Up Dick Is A Whole And Happy Dick!

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it when a man sticks his dick where it doesn’t belong it’s “complicated”?  It’s not complicated, just don’t do it.  Would you stick your dick in an electrical socket?  In a tiger’s mouth?  In a beehive?  No, you wouldn’t because that shit’s not complicated, it’s just plain common sense.  Besides, you may just find your girl using that same line when she’s cutting your dick off after she finds out it’s been somewhere it doesn’t belong.  A zipped up dick, is a whole and happy dick.

Old Spice Does Not Get You Laid

Dear Men of LA:

I just heard this at the grocery store.  “I wear old spice so all of the women that have daddy issues will be attracted to me.”  Let me give you a clue.  No guy wearing old spice ever gets laid.  Any girl that has daddy issues will be attracted to a fifty-year-old guy that looks like her dad or a seventy-year-old guy that looks like her grandpa, not a twenty-five-year-old dude that doesn’t have a clue about cologne and women.

Lessons Learned From Valentine’s Day

Dear Men of LA:

Here are some important lessons guys should keep in mind about Valentine’s Day.

1  Using the excuse, “I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day” never works.  Wake up, moron!  There was Valentine’s Day crap everywhere from the grocery store to the pot dispensary.   And if you didn’t go to the store,  there was someone selling Valentine’s Day crap on every street corner in LA county.  You had to be blind, deaf, or stupid to not know it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.

2  I didn’t know what to get you.  That crap never works either.  Let me give you a clue.  Women love flowers.  I can’t think of a single girl I’ve ever met who didn’t like flowers.  It must be in our DNA, just like it’s in a guy’s DNA to be predisposed to hating Valentine’s Day.  It’s not that hard to go to someone’s yard, pick a flower, put it in some water, and then give it to her and say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

3.  Even if the girl says, “don’t worry about Valentine’s Day” you sure as shit better do something, even if it’s giving her a card.  Women don’t want to be perceived as high maintenance, but on Valentine’s Day I hate to say we are.  We’ve watched way too many romantic movies where the guy always steps up in the end with the romantic gesture.  So step up with a romantic gesture.  I don’t care if you have to suffer through The Notebook or Pretty Woman to figure it out.  Two hours of misery watching some chic flick is way better than two days of misery (where she calls you an asshole every five minutes and tells you that you are never getting laid again).

4.  Remember all the nice things she’s done for you and then suck it up and do something nice for her on Valentine’s Day.  I know you hate Valentine’s Day, but remember women love it.  So just remember the time she let you bring your dog and your mom’s dog over and they scared the shit out of her cat, Miss Tiddlywinks and she had to take the cat to the psychiatrist for post dramatic stress.  Remember all the times she let you put your stinky feet in her bed.  Remember all the times you left the toilet seat up and she almost fell in.  Also, Miss Tiddlywinks almost drowned from leaving the toilet seat up.   Just remember she does nice things for you every day.  Can it hurt for you to do something nice for her one day out of the year?

 

Guys Always Want What They Can’t Have

Dear Men of LA:

Here is something I will never understand.  Why is it when a girl starts dating someone men come flooding out of the woodwork and are all over her like white on rice, but when she’s single, they act like she’s invisible.  Did the girl suddenly grow a third boob?  Did she transform into a triple x porn star?  Where were all you guys when she was sitting alone at night with her cat, Mrs Tittlywinks watching Sex In The City and double fisting Oreos and Nutter Butters? I guess the saying is true, guys always want what they can’t have.  I guarantee you that if the girl became single tomorrow, her third boob and porn star status would disappear and she’d go right back to being invisible.