Never Use Masterbate, Grandma, And Dick In The Same Sentence

Dear Men of LA:

I overheard and saw these precious gems while I was at my local clubhouse (the bar) yesterday.  Do not say or do any of the below unless you want to be permanently maimed, spit on, slapped, or all three.

  1.  Does your sexy kitty want to come out in play?  I’d sure like to pet it.
  2. Use the words masturbate, grandma, and dick in the same sentence.
  3. Never go up and lick her face and bite her chin.
  4. After said biting and licking say, “sex, money?”
  5. I would like to bend you over the bar and show you how the old folks do it.
  6. Follow her to the bathroom so you can show her “how to flush the toilet”
  7. Offer to paint her toenails and then lick them.
  8. Have you put on some weight?  Let me help you work it off.
  9.  Pass out bananas and then say, “I’d sure like to show you where I can put this banana!”

A Zipped Up Dick Is A Whole And Happy Dick!

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it when a man sticks his dick where it doesn’t belong it’s “complicated”?  It’s not complicated, just don’t do it.  Would you stick your dick in an electrical socket?  In a tiger’s mouth?  In a beehive?  No, you wouldn’t because that shit’s not complicated, it’s just plain common sense.  Besides, you may just find your girl using that same line when she’s cutting your dick off after she finds out it’s been somewhere it doesn’t belong.  A zipped up dick, is a whole and happy dick.

Old Spice Does Not Get You Laid

Dear Men of LA:

I just heard this at the grocery store.  “I wear old spice so all of the women that have daddy issues will be attracted to me.”  Let me give you a clue.  No guy wearing old spice ever gets laid.  Any girl that has daddy issues will be attracted to a fifty-year-old guy that looks like her dad or a seventy-year-old guy that looks like her grandpa, not a twenty-five-year-old dude that doesn’t have a clue about cologne and women.

Lessons Learned From Valentine’s Day

Dear Men of LA:

Here are some important lessons guys should keep in mind about Valentine’s Day.

1  Using the excuse, “I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day” never works.  Wake up, moron!  There was Valentine’s Day crap everywhere from the grocery store to the pot dispensary.   And if you didn’t go to the store,  there was someone selling Valentine’s Day crap on every street corner in LA county.  You had to be blind, deaf, or stupid to not know it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.

2  I didn’t know what to get you.  That crap never works either.  Let me give you a clue.  Women love flowers.  I can’t think of a single girl I’ve ever met who didn’t like flowers.  It must be in our DNA, just like it’s in a guy’s DNA to be predisposed to hating Valentine’s Day.  It’s not that hard to go to someone’s yard, pick a flower, put it in some water, and then give it to her and say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

3.  Even if the girl says, “don’t worry about Valentine’s Day” you sure as shit better do something, even if it’s giving her a card.  Women don’t want to be perceived as high maintenance, but on Valentine’s Day I hate to say we are.  We’ve watched way too many romantic movies where the guy always steps up in the end with the romantic gesture.  So step up with a romantic gesture.  I don’t care if you have to suffer through The Notebook or Pretty Woman to figure it out.  Two hours of misery watching some chic flick is way better than two days of misery (where she calls you an asshole every five minutes and tells you that you are never getting laid again).

4.  Remember all the nice things she’s done for you and then suck it up and do something nice for her on Valentine’s Day.  I know you hate Valentine’s Day, but remember women love it.  So just remember the time she let you bring your dog and your mom’s dog over and they scared the shit out of her cat, Miss Tiddlywinks and she had to take the cat to the psychiatrist for post dramatic stress.  Remember all the times she let you put your stinky feet in her bed.  Remember all the times you left the toilet seat up and she almost fell in.  Also, Miss Tiddlywinks almost drowned from leaving the toilet seat up.   Just remember she does nice things for you every day.  Can it hurt for you to do something nice for her one day out of the year?

 

Yes You Can Fuck A Girl Too Hard!

Dear Men of LA,

A guy friend of mine texted me last night and said, “Hey I’ve been reading your blog.  Is it really true that you can fuck a girl too hard?”  Hell yes, it’s true.  Contrary to popular belief, your dick is not a jackhammer.  Girls do not like looking like a rape victim from Law and Order SVU.  They actually like being able to walk the next day.  So the next time you think your dick is a jackhammer let’s take a step back.  Remember the golden rule.  Do unto others and all that jazz.  How would you like it if a girl took out a jackhammer and beat the crap out of you and your dick while she was screwing you?

Let’s Keep Our Hands, Spit, Tongues, And Dicks To Ourselves At The Bar!

Yesterday’s adventures at my local bar!

Dear Men of LA:

Here’s a tip.  Do not go up to a girl in a bar and start licking her ear.  I have no idea why people like having their ears licked.  Spit in an ear feels slimy and gross.  Also, don’t go up to her and start rubbing her hair saying, “your hair is so soft.  It feels like angel hair.”  What exactly does angel hair feel like?  Is it softer than a kitten?  Softer than a baby’s butt?  Softer than a virgin’s vagina?  Hmmmm!  So here’s a novel idea.  Let’s keep our hands, spit, tongues, dicks and everything else to ourselves at the bar.  One of these days you are going to lick the wrong chicks ear and end up in a jail cell with a guy called Miss Twiddlywinks.  Then I guarantee you Miss Twiddlywinks will want to lick more than your ear.

You Know Why They Call Me The Cat Whisperer?

Dear Men of LA:
 
Pick up lines do not work. Going up to a girl in a bar and saying, “hey baby, do you come here often” is just like saying, “hey, girl I’m a douche that has no idea what to say to women.” I don’t think “do you come here often?” has ever worked on a girl. Do you really want to know if she comes there often? Hell no!! You just want to know if she cums often and how you can get her to make you cum. So next time you want to approach a girl here’s a clue. Pick up lines never work. I don’t care how clever you think they are.
Your clothes would look better lying on my floor.
You look like an angel that fell down from heaven.
I’ll treat you like my homework: Slam you on the table and do you all night long!
You know what I like in a girl? [What?] My dick.
You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?
You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
So let’s try a new approach. Go up to a girl and just say, “hi”!!!! I swear it’ll work a whole lot better than, “do you come here often”?