Women Only Want To See Dicks Up Close And Personal!

Dear Men of LA:

The following is a list of pictures no girl wants to see on your profile.  I swear I’ve seen all of these pictures on Tinder in the last week and they’ve made me want to claw out my eyes.

A naked guy holding his cat.  OK let’s face it, most girls love cats, but unless you look like David Beckham (or have a super cute cat named Miss Tiddlywinks) no girl wants to see this.  Keep the clothes on and let the cat’s cuteness do the talking.

A naked guy lying on a couch licking his fingers.  Really?  Since when did licking your fingers like you are in a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial look sexy?  Also, it doesn’t help your case if you weigh 300 pounds.  Let’s skip the chicken and fingers!  Go put some clothes on, do a normal pose, and hit the gym.

A guy dressed in a baby doll dress holding a cup of pee.  Now I swear that this one is out there.  Shit, I almost dropped my iPad when I saw it.  Why any guy would think a picture of him dressed in drag holding a cup of piss would turn anyone on is beyond me.  It takes all kinds right?  Good luck on finding that girl.

A picture of you wearing a lamb’s head.  Animal heads do not turn women on unless they are into furries.  If that’s the kind of girl you are trying to get, God’s speed.

Pictures of half-naked children running around.  OK unless they are your children, then you have no business putting up scantily dressed kids on your profile.  No one likes a pedophile.

Dick pictures.  This one is an oldy but a goody.  No one wants to see your dick.  I don’t care if it’s the most beautiful dick on the planet.  Keep it to yourself.  Women only want to see dicks up close and personal.

If Your Girl Finds A Stray Hair On Your Dick That’s Not Her Hair Color……..

Dear Men of LA:

Please make sure your dick is clean before having sex with your girl.  Most importantly, make sure there are no stray hairs from the skank you just had sex with before your girl goes down on you.  I guarantee you, that if your girl finds stray hairs on your dick that are not her hair color there will be a massive shit storm of epic proportions.  There will be blood, tears, screaming, crying, and most likely one person will be going to the emergency room and one will be going to jail.  Remember, a clean dick is a happy dick.

 

PS   This actually happened to a guy friend of mine a couple of years ago.  I thought it was hilarious.  I don’t think his girlfriend thought it was too funny.  I asked him, “why didn’t you just clean your dick after?”  It seemed pretty much like common sense to me.  I guess not so much with him.  ha ha

Dick Out, Ready For Good Times

Dear Men of LA:

When you see a girl in a bar for the love of God do not go up to her and say, “Dick out, ready for good times” and then point down below where your dick is actually hanging out.  What do you think is going to happen, we are actually going to pull it out and go to pound town with you?  Or we are going to give you a blow job right in the middle of the bar?  Hell ass no!!!!  Let’s keep it classy guys.  At least take her to the bathroom (or somewhere else private) and show her your dick in there.