Are You Fucking In Your Mind?

Dear Men of LA:

I was at my bar the other day and I heard someone scream, “are you fucking in your mind?”   It was the bartender whose English is not that great and she meant to say, “are you fucking out of your mind?”  I laughed so hard I almost peed!  It made me think of all the stupid shit I”ve heard in the last couple of weeks.

I’m looking for a girlfriend.  I’m lonely and I don’t have anyone.  Oh but I should tell you that I’m screwing this girl at work.   Are you fucking in your mind?

Do you think it’s ok to want to have sex with you but not want to see you naked?  Are you fucking in your mind?

I have thirteen cats.  Do you think that makes me needy?  Are you fucking in your mind?

A guy goes running down the street screaming, “I want to rape a girl tonight!  Do I have any takers?”  Are you fucking in your mind?  (Actually that happened a few months a go and I wanted to say, “I want to kick the shit out of a guy.  Do you want to volunteer?”

Do you have any coke or can you buy me a drink?  I’m a social worker and I’m in AA.   Are you fucking in your mind?    Seriously?  This chick told my friend that down at the bar.

I sent this chick a dick pic.  She didn’t respond back.  That must mean she likes it right?  I think I’ll send her ten more!  Are you fucking in your mind?

I know you just told me you don’t want to see me anymore but do you still want to have sex?  Are you fucking in your mind?

 

 

 

Cash or Ass?

Dear Men of LA:

What number date is the best date to have sex on?  First, second, third, fourth, or fifth?  I think it depends on the person you are with.  What do you think?  These are some of the gems I heard from the guys at the bar.

Cash or Ass!  Either you pay for my dinner or give me ass.   Wow!  I bet the ladies are just dying to go out with you with that logic.

Girls have the 5 date rule.  They like to wait 5 dates before putting out.  Men have the reverse rule.  If they have to wait 5 dates they are gone.   Just remember some things are worth the wait!

Pussy has to play.  If not, pussy has to go!   Here’s a clue.  Pussy doesn’t have to do anything.

Finally, here’s one guy’s beautiful logic.   “If she doesn’t put out by the third date then I have to break up with her.  I’m just wasting my money.  But I hate breaking up with a chick so I just go have sex with one of her friends and that way she’ll break up with me.  It’s a win win situation.  I get sex and the chick breaks up with me!!!”

I swear I couldn’t make up this crap up if I tried!!!

Don’t Give A Girl Breast Milk On A Date!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a girl back to your place give her a nice glass of wine!  Give her a beer!  Give her a coke!  Do not give her a glass of breast milk.  According to the guys at the bar it’s the yummiest thing ever!   So, where does one get breast milk to serve to the ladies?  Is it on the black market?  Can you run down to Trader Joe’s and get it?  Let me give you a clue.  I don’t care how yummy breast milk is, no girl in her right mind (and even the ones who aren’t) wants to drink milk that comes from another girl’s boobs.  Stick with that two buck chuck you get from Trader Joes.

A Zipped Up Dick Is A Whole And Happy Dick!

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it when a man sticks his dick where it doesn’t belong it’s “complicated”?  It’s not complicated, just don’t do it.  Would you stick your dick in an electrical socket?  In a tiger’s mouth?  In a beehive?  No, you wouldn’t because that shit’s not complicated, it’s just plain common sense.  Besides, you may just find your girl using that same line when she’s cutting your dick off after she finds out it’s been somewhere it doesn’t belong.  A zipped up dick, is a whole and happy dick.

Old Spice Does Not Get You Laid

Dear Men of LA:

I just heard this at the grocery store.  “I wear old spice so all of the women that have daddy issues will be attracted to me.”  Let me give you a clue.  No guy wearing old spice ever gets laid.  Any girl that has daddy issues will be attracted to a fifty-year-old guy that looks like her dad or a seventy-year-old guy that looks like her grandpa, not a twenty-five-year-old dude that doesn’t have a clue about cologne and women.

Just Like The Holiday Inn, We Do Have A Check Out Time The Morning After!

Dear Men of LA:

Just like The Holiday Inn, there is a check out time the morning after.  Do not expect breakfast!  Do not expect to lounge in bed!  Do not expect a foot massage, a back rub, feet licking (from me or Miss Tiddlywinks), or anything else.  Get your ass up and out!  We’ve got shit to do!  When we say, “please go.  I’ve got to get to Dunkin Doughnuts before there’s a big ass line” we mean it!

The Boomerang Dick Is A Pain In The Ass!

Thank you to Alana Fayson and Jessica Hawkins Ryan for the inspiration!

Dear Men of LA:

No one likes the boomerang dick.  When we close the door on your dick, it’s closed for good.  Don’t think just because you left some ratty ass stuffed dog (that you probably got from the 99 cent store) on our back doorstep that we are going to take your dick back.  (FYI: Miss Tiddlywinks just finished therapy for the whole leaving the toilet seat up fiasco, now she has to go back because your stupid dog is giving her nightmares!)  Don’t think sending dick pics is going to make us want your dick back.  (FYI:  Dick pics aren’t that sexy.  We know what your dick looks like.  We don’t need a picture.)  Don’t think, “Forgive me.  I miss you.  I can’t live without you” is going to get your dick in the pussy door.  (FYI:  We’ve heard that shit before.  Remember we watch romantic movies.  That shit never works in real life.)  The boomerang dick never works.  We’re always going to throw it right back at you, so keep it to yourself.