Late Night Adventures at The Grocery Store

Dear Men of LA,

The grocery store is not a good place to pick up chicks, especially at 1 am.  A girl is only at the grocery store at 1 am for two things:  wine and ice cream.  She’s not there for a late night drive by.   Here are some examples of definite DON’TS that I witnessed one night on my way home from work:

1  DON’T   Go up to a girl while she’s looking at wine, plant your nose in her neck and then say, “wow you smell good.  Want to come home with me?”

2  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you want to see my new dildo?  It’s a present for my cousin.”   Also don’t show it to her, especially if you are a really old guy that smells like shit.

3  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you know where they keep the $3.99 wine?  I want to impress a girl tonight.  Do you think that will impress her?”

4  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “why are you alone at the grocery store this time of night?  Are you looking to get laid?  I’d be happy to offer my stud services!”

5  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “I’m a lot better for you than ice cream and I’m a lot less fattening.”

 

Dear Men: Quit Acting Like A Girl

Dear Men of LA:

Recently I’ve noticed that guys are acting like girls!  What the hell?  Let’s look at some examples.

1  Men keep on asking over and over things like “are you sure it’s ok if I spend the night?” or “are you sure if I come along on girl’s night?”  If I’ve told you once that it’s ok, then it’s ok.  Well it’s probably not but just go with it.  No woman wants to hear shit over and over again.  It’s a drag.

2.  Men want to sleep over every night.  Come on!  We want at least one night alone to watch our girly shows and slobber over Charlie Hunnam!

3.  Men are clingy.  When they sleep over they want to cuddle and snuggle and talk about shit.  Look, you have your side of the bed and I have mine.  Give a girl some space to breathe.  If you need someone to cuddle with I can let you borrow my cat, Mr. Oliver Tittywinks.

4.  Men want to cuddle with your cat if they can’t cuddle with you.  I said you can borrow Mr. Oliver Tittywinks.  I didn’t say you could smother him.  

5.  Men being clingy or insecure!  “Oh my God!  She has a facebook picture of her and another guy.  Do you think she’s dating him too?”  (That’s what you get for facebook stalking!)  “She hasn’t texted me back all day!  Is she not into me anymore?”  “Do you think I look OK?  I swear this shirt makes me look fat.”  I swear I’ve heard all three from guy friends recently.

 

Skin Color Doesn’t Mean A Thing

Dear Men of LA:

I usually write about funny observations about dating in LA.  Well, this is a serious observation I made while I was out and about last night.   Last night I was the minority. I was the only white person in the whole place. My friend wanted to go to this place that had awesome Mexican food. He said, “you’re gonna be exotic”. Huh?  Since when was I exotic?  I’m just a short, blonde, white girl.  My friend said, “you’ll see”.  They are gonna love you.”  We walked in and you could hear a pin drop.  Everyone stared at me.  I was the only white person there. In the end, it didn’t matter.  I had some amazing food and great company! Everyone was so nice and welcoming! My friend’s family is from Honduras so he fit right in. But I fit right in too despite being white. Because it’s not about skin color. It’s about what’s inside of a person. That’s what defines a person.  A couple of days ago a friend pointed out to me you have no control over what skin color you are born into.  That’s so true.  You do have control over how you treat others and who you are as a person.

Are You Fucking In Your Mind?

Dear Men of LA:

I was at my bar the other day and I heard someone scream, “are you fucking in your mind?”   It was the bartender whose English is not that great and she meant to say, “are you fucking out of your mind?”  I laughed so hard I almost peed!  It made me think of all the stupid shit I”ve heard in the last couple of weeks.

I’m looking for a girlfriend.  I’m lonely and I don’t have anyone.  Oh but I should tell you that I’m screwing this girl at work.   Are you fucking in your mind?

Do you think it’s ok to want to have sex with you but not want to see you naked?  Are you fucking in your mind?

I have thirteen cats.  Do you think that makes me needy?  Are you fucking in your mind?

A guy goes running down the street screaming, “I want to rape a girl tonight!  Do I have any takers?”  Are you fucking in your mind?  (Actually that happened a few months a go and I wanted to say, “I want to kick the shit out of a guy.  Do you want to volunteer?”

Do you have any coke or can you buy me a drink?  I’m a social worker and I’m in AA.   Are you fucking in your mind?    Seriously?  This chick told my friend that down at the bar.

I sent this chick a dick pic.  She didn’t respond back.  That must mean she likes it right?  I think I’ll send her ten more!  Are you fucking in your mind?

I know you just told me you don’t want to see me anymore but do you still want to have sex?  Are you fucking in your mind?

 

 

 

Cash or Ass?

Dear Men of LA:

What number date is the best date to have sex on?  First, second, third, fourth, or fifth?  I think it depends on the person you are with.  What do you think?  These are some of the gems I heard from the guys at the bar.

Cash or Ass!  Either you pay for my dinner or give me ass.   Wow!  I bet the ladies are just dying to go out with you with that logic.

Girls have the 5 date rule.  They like to wait 5 dates before putting out.  Men have the reverse rule.  If they have to wait 5 dates they are gone.   Just remember some things are worth the wait!

Pussy has to play.  If not, pussy has to go!   Here’s a clue.  Pussy doesn’t have to do anything.

Finally, here’s one guy’s beautiful logic.   “If she doesn’t put out by the third date then I have to break up with her.  I’m just wasting my money.  But I hate breaking up with a chick so I just go have sex with one of her friends and that way she’ll break up with me.  It’s a win win situation.  I get sex and the chick breaks up with me!!!”

I swear I couldn’t make up this crap up if I tried!!!

Don’t Give A Girl Breast Milk On A Date!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a girl back to your place give her a nice glass of wine!  Give her a beer!  Give her a coke!  Do not give her a glass of breast milk.  According to the guys at the bar it’s the yummiest thing ever!   So, where does one get breast milk to serve to the ladies?  Is it on the black market?  Can you run down to Trader Joe’s and get it?  Let me give you a clue.  I don’t care how yummy breast milk is, no girl in her right mind (and even the ones who aren’t) wants to drink milk that comes from another girl’s boobs.  Stick with that two buck chuck you get from Trader Joes.

A Zipped Up Dick Is A Whole And Happy Dick!

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it when a man sticks his dick where it doesn’t belong it’s “complicated”?  It’s not complicated, just don’t do it.  Would you stick your dick in an electrical socket?  In a tiger’s mouth?  In a beehive?  No, you wouldn’t because that shit’s not complicated, it’s just plain common sense.  Besides, you may just find your girl using that same line when she’s cutting your dick off after she finds out it’s been somewhere it doesn’t belong.  A zipped up dick, is a whole and happy dick.