Cash or Ass?

Dear Men of LA:

What number date is the best date to have sex on?  First, second, third, fourth, or fifth?  I think it depends on the person you are with.  What do you think?  These are some of the gems I heard from the guys at the bar.

Cash or Ass!  Either you pay for my dinner or give me ass.   Wow!  I bet the ladies are just dying to go out with you with that logic.

Girls have the 5 date rule.  They like to wait 5 dates before putting out.  Men have the reverse rule.  If they have to wait 5 dates they are gone.   Just remember some things are worth the wait!

Pussy has to play.  If not, pussy has to go!   Here’s a clue.  Pussy doesn’t have to do anything.

Finally, here’s one guy’s beautiful logic.   “If she doesn’t put out by the third date then I have to break up with her.  I’m just wasting my money.  But I hate breaking up with a chick so I just go have sex with one of her friends and that way she’ll break up with me.  It’s a win win situation.  I get sex and the chick breaks up with me!!!”

I swear I couldn’t make up this crap up if I tried!!!

The Boomerang Dick Is A Pain In The Ass!

Thank you to Alana Fayson and Jessica Hawkins Ryan for the inspiration!

Dear Men of LA:

No one likes the boomerang dick.  When we close the door on your dick, it’s closed for good.  Don’t think just because you left some ratty ass stuffed dog (that you probably got from the 99 cent store) on our back doorstep that we are going to take your dick back.  (FYI: Miss Tiddlywinks just finished therapy for the whole leaving the toilet seat up fiasco, now she has to go back because your stupid dog is giving her nightmares!)  Don’t think sending dick pics is going to make us want your dick back.  (FYI:  Dick pics aren’t that sexy.  We know what your dick looks like.  We don’t need a picture.)  Don’t think, “Forgive me.  I miss you.  I can’t live without you” is going to get your dick in the pussy door.  (FYI:  We’ve heard that shit before.  Remember we watch romantic movies.  That shit never works in real life.)  The boomerang dick never works.  We’re always going to throw it right back at you, so keep it to yourself.

 

Don’t Facebook Stalk!! It Never Leads Anywhere Good!

Dear Men of LA:

I was sitting with a guy friend last night listening to him whine about a girl who he was crazy about and thought of some wisdom he should definitely hear.  I told him and now I’m telling you because I know there is some guy out there making a complete fool out of himself.

1.  Quit acting like a girl!!  Do not ever sit by the phone waiting for her to call.  Get out of the house.  Go for a run!  Go for a beer!  Go watch some porn.  Do anything but wait by the phone and bitch and moan like a damn pussy girl.

2. Which brings me to point number 2.  If she hasn’t called or texted you in a few days don’t continue to text or call her.  Wait for her to make the next move.  I don’t care if you have to hide your phone in the toilet, don’t text or call her.   And don’t listen to the lie “well if I don’t call or text her she’s going to think that I don’t like her anymore.”  Women tell themselves that all the time and it’s not any truer for them as it is for dudes.  Don’t believe the lie.

3.  Don’t Facebook stalk!  It never leads anywhere good.  OK stalking in any way shape or form is just creepy.  Stalking on Facebook is no exception.  Don’t do it because I guarantee you that your’re going to find out something you don’t like.  And here’s a clue.  If you find your girl has a profile picture of her and a dude and that same dude has a profile picture of him and her that means they are in a relationship or at the least having sex.  No they are not brother and sister.  No they are not best buds!!  They are screwing!!!  Get over it and move on.

4.  Which brings me to point number 4.  If you do decide to Facebook stalk do not tell the girl about it.  Do not say, “Hey I saw you with this dude on your Facebook page.  Who is he?  Is he your boyfriend?”  Dude, all that’s going to get you is she thinking that you are some kind of weird stalker.  SHE WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!  If you’ve already seen it, forget you saw it and don’t say anything.

5.  If you know she’s lying to you move along.  Do you really want to be with some chick that lies to you and treats you like crap.  Remember you are a great guy.  (Well at least I hope you are.  Shoot for all I know you are a serial killer that keeps women chained in their crawl space and eats their body parts).  You deserve to be treated like a king.

If Your Girl Finds A Stray Hair On Your Dick That’s Not Her Hair Color……..

Dear Men of LA:

Please make sure your dick is clean before having sex with your girl.  Most importantly, make sure there are no stray hairs from the skank you just had sex with before your girl goes down on you.  I guarantee you, that if your girl finds stray hairs on your dick that are not her hair color there will be a massive shit storm of epic proportions.  There will be blood, tears, screaming, crying, and most likely one person will be going to the emergency room and one will be going to jail.  Remember, a clean dick is a happy dick.

 

PS   This actually happened to a guy friend of mine a couple of years ago.  I thought it was hilarious.  I don’t think his girlfriend thought it was too funny.  I asked him, “why didn’t you just clean your dick after?”  It seemed pretty much like common sense to me.  I guess not so much with him.  ha ha

Dick Out, Ready For Good Times

Dear Men of LA:

When you see a girl in a bar for the love of God do not go up to her and say, “Dick out, ready for good times” and then point down below where your dick is actually hanging out.  What do you think is going to happen, we are actually going to pull it out and go to pound town with you?  Or we are going to give you a blow job right in the middle of the bar?  Hell ass no!!!!  Let’s keep it classy guys.  At least take her to the bathroom (or somewhere else private) and show her your dick in there.

Let’s Follow The Golden Rule When It Comes To Oral Sex

Dear Men of LA:

I know all of you men love getting blow jobs.  It’s an amazing thing right?  Well guess what women DON’T love?  Having their head slammed down while we give you a blow job.  Really?  You think that’s sexy pushing or even worse hitting a girl’s head while she’s trying to please you?  Let me tell you, it’s not sexy for the girl.  It’s downright annoying.  Our mouths are already full and you trying to make them fuller isn’t fun.  So just relax and enjoy the ride.  Leave the poor girl’s head alone.  Let me just say one more thing.  If you have any idea you are going to be getting a blow job why not clean up down there?  Make sure you smell fresh.  There is nothing worse than giving a blow job when a man stinks to high hell down there.  You know you wouldn’t want to get within 10 feet of our vaginas if they smell funky.  Let’s follow the golden rule when it comes to oral sex.  Do unto others as you would do unto yourself!!

 

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You’re More Likely To See A Unicorn Than To Get A Girl To Jump Out Of Bed And Jump On You!

Dear Men of LA:

Why do men think it’s ok to call at 4 am for a booty call.  Especially when you haven’t heard from them in six months.  Really guys, do you think a girl is going to feel sexy when you’ve woken her out of a deep sleep?  Do you think she’s going to be like, “wow, I haven’t heard from you in six months.  But that’s ok!!!  Let me run right over and have sex with you.  It’s going to be amazing!!”  So the next time you get the itch to make a 4 am booty call don’t!!!  I know you’re probably drunk and horny and it seems like a good idea at the time but it really isn’t.  You’re more likely to see a unicorn on Sunset Blvd than to get a girl to jump out of her warm bed and jump on you!