You Know What’s Worse Than Cum In Her Eye?

Dear Men of LA:

You know what’s worse than cum in a girl’s eye?  A condom stuck in her pussy!  You don’t know what pain in the ass it is when that shit gets stuck way up in there.  It’s almost impossible to get out and then the girl has to go to her doctor and get it taken out.  Do you know how they take it out?  They take a long handled pair of tweezers, go in her pussy, and drag it out.  How would you like it if a doctor took a pair of tweezers and pulled something out of your dick?  Yeah, that would suck!  So here’s a few things you can do to ensure that your condom will stay nice and tight on that dick.

1  Use the right size condom.   If you have a small dick use a regular sized condom.  Using a magnum sized condom is not going to make your dick any bigger.  It’s only going to fall off.

2  Don’t put a condom on half ass.  Make sure it’s on there correctly.  Don’t worry, her pussy is not going anywhere.

3  Don’t fuck her so hard that the condom comes off and gets jammed up way in there.  Your dick is not a jackhammer.  Her pussy is not a piece of concrete.  The point of sex is for it to feel good, not beat the shit out of her.

Women Do Not Like Cum In Their Hair!!!

Dear Men of LA:

You got your dream girl in bed!!!  Wow!  Now you think all of your hard work is done and it’s smooth sailing from hear on out.  Think again.  The hard work is just beginning.  So here are a few clues that may help you in your quest to not piss your girl off while you guys are in bed.

1  Do not cum in her hair.  Do you know how hard that shit is to get out of your hair?  Once it dries it’s stuck there like super glue.  If you are going to pull it out aim for the sheets or anywhere else but toward her head.  That brings me to point number 2.

2  I don’t know why men think cumming on a girl’s face is sexy, but here is a clue.  Women hate it.  First off, if you cum on her face and it gets in her eyes it stings like a bitch.  Seriously!!  And it stings forever.  I don’t know what’s in your cum, but it’s nothing good.  Secondly, cum ruins a girl’s makeup.  Do you know how hard it was to get our makeup just right for you and then you go and ruin it with your cum?  Ugh!!!

3.  Sometimes a girl is not ready to go as soon as she hits the sheets.  Help her out a little.  And I do not mean go digging for clit gold as soon you get your hand down there.  Lube or just plain spit is a guy’s best friend.  Be sure to put some on your finger before your start rubbing down there.  Sometimes women are as dry as the Sahara desert and a little lubrication goes a long way.

4.  Women may like a little nibbling but they don’t like you chomping down like you just bit into a juicy steak while making out.  And for God’s sake don’t bite like a rabid dog on her face, neck, boobs, or any other part of her body.  That shit hurts dude.  Don’t leave marks.  Nobody likes to wake up the next morning looking like a rape victim.

5.  Don’t spit into her mouth.  It’s not sexy.  Your spit tastes like shit.  Keep it to yourself.