Dear Men of LA:
Here are some important lessons guys should keep in mind about Valentine’s Day.
1 Using the excuse, “I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day” never works. Wake up, moron! There was Valentine’s Day crap everywhere from the grocery store to the pot dispensary. And if you didn’t go to the store, there was someone selling Valentine’s Day crap on every street corner in LA county. You had to be blind, deaf, or stupid to not know it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.
2 I didn’t know what to get you. That crap never works either. Let me give you a clue. Women love flowers. I can’t think of a single girl I’ve ever met who didn’t like flowers. It must be in our DNA, just like it’s in a guy’s DNA to be predisposed to hating Valentine’s Day. It’s not that hard to go to someone’s yard, pick a flower, put it in some water, and then give it to her and say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”
3. Even if the girl says, “don’t worry about Valentine’s Day” you sure as shit better do something, even if it’s giving her a card. Women don’t want to be perceived as high maintenance, but on Valentine’s Day I hate to say we are. We’ve watched way too many romantic movies where the guy always steps up in the end with the romantic gesture. So step up with a romantic gesture. I don’t care if you have to suffer through The Notebook or Pretty Woman to figure it out. Two hours of misery watching some chic flick is way better than two days of misery (where she calls you an asshole every five minutes and tells you that you are never getting laid again).
4. Remember all the nice things she’s done for you and then suck it up and do something nice for her on Valentine’s Day. I know you hate Valentine’s Day, but remember women love it. So just remember the time she let you bring your dog and your mom’s dog over and they scared the shit out of her cat, Miss Tiddlywinks and she had to take the cat to the psychiatrist for post dramatic stress. Remember all the times she let you put your stinky feet in her bed. Remember all the times you left the toilet seat up and she almost fell in. Also, Miss Tiddlywinks almost drowned from leaving the toilet seat up. Just remember she does nice things for you every day. Can it hurt for you to do something nice for her one day out of the year?
Dear Men of LA:
I heard this gem on Saturday night:
“Hello beautiful! I want to go out with you. I respect you so much.
“Sorry. I’m going out with someone.”
“How can that be? I respect you so much!”
“I have so much respect for you. My grandma taught me respect. She used to let me watch her masturbate and got me a prostitute when I was thirteen. She taught me so much respect!”
“What the hell?”
Let this be a lesson to all of you guys out there. Telling a girl you used to watch your grandma masturbate is not the way to a girl’s heart!!…..Or her vagina!
Dear Men of LA:
Here is something I will never understand. Why is it when a girl starts dating someone men come flooding out of the woodwork and are all over her like white on rice, but when she’s single, they act like she’s invisible. Did the girl suddenly grow a third boob? Did she transform into a triple x porn star? Where were all you guys when she was sitting alone at night with her cat, Mrs Tittlywinks watching Sex In The City and double fisting Oreos and Nutter Butters? I guess the saying is true, guys always want what they can’t have. I guarantee you that if the girl became single tomorrow, her third boob and porn star status would disappear and she’d go right back to being invisible.
Dear Men of LA:
Here’s a new trend I just found out about: the man bush. I guess since it’s all the rage these days with the girls, the guys had to follow suit. What’s so sexy about looking like a 70’s porn star? What’s so sexy about having a mouth full of hair when you come up for air? I have no idea. Doesn’t it get itchy down there with all the hair? You tell me. Here’s another thing that I just heard about that grossed me out. Sucking on armpits! Yuck! Does Right Guard taste that good? Or Secret? Or Degree? Having spit underneath my arm doesn’t really turn me on. Does it turn you on?
Pick up lines from Monte Carlo Bar. You know I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried.
Dear Men of LA:
Think before you speak. Stupid lines will never get you laid. Here are a few gems I heard last night:
You get the room, I’ve got the sperm.
You have the softest skin. If you don’t quit rubbing my back I’m going to break your hand. (That was me by the way!) Oh, so you are a lesbian. You know just because I don’t want you groping me doesn’t mean I’m gay. It means I want to enjoy my cranberry juice in peace asshole.
Oh, you are a size 5? That’s skinny!
Can I stay at your house and play video games? I promise I won’t hit on you.
You are way too beautiful to be a photographer! Wow! Does that mean all photographers are ugly? Hmmm.
I’m not a big shot. I’m all about making love.
Do you want to play Pokemon? Can I poke you man?
I’m gay! Can you make me straight?
My dick is famous. Can I make you famous?
I don’t let many people near my ass, but I’ll let you.
I have a Porshe. I can’t wait to see you lying in the back of it.
You are just a notch on my belt.
And if you are really trying to impress a girl don’t close with the following:
I have mansions in Connecticut and North Carolina. Maybe you could see them sometime. Right now I’m staying at Wi Spa where they only charge you $25 a night.
Dear Men of LA,
A guy friend of mine texted me last night and said, “Hey I’ve been reading your blog. Is it really true that you can fuck a girl too hard?” Hell yes, it’s true. Contrary to popular belief, your dick is not a jackhammer. Girls do not like looking like a rape victim from Law and Order SVU. They actually like being able to walk the next day. So the next time you think your dick is a jackhammer let’s take a step back. Remember the golden rule. Do unto others and all that jazz. How would you like it if a girl took out a jackhammer and beat the crap out of you and your dick while she was screwing you?
Dear Men of LA:
A friend of mine sent this to me yesterday and I thought it was hilarious. Let me just throw out a few nuggets to help you guys make that important decision: whether or not to send a dick pic?
1. Did she ask for a dick pic? I can answer that. Hell no!! No girl is ever going to ask for a dick pic unless she’s drunk as hell. If she is drunk and asks for your dick pic she’s never going to remember it anyway and will end up deleting it from her phone.
2. If by some sheer miracle she really does want a dick pic and she’s sober it’s probably because she’s seen it before. Which brings us to our next question. If she’s seen it before, why does she need a picture? Is she going to frame it and put it on her wall? Is she going to stare at it and hold it close to her heart before she goes to bed? Hell no!! She’s going to use it in some crazy revenge plot when you guys break up. She’s going to plaster that shit all over town and embarrass the hell out of you. Remember, dick pics are forever. They never go away.
3. Also if she did accept your dick pic did she send a naked pic of herself back? Hell no! Read above. Women know that shit can be used against them. Sending a second pic of your dick from another angle will not help things. It’ll just give her more ammunition to use against you.
4. Is your dick pic so fabulous that it made her want to touch it? I doubt it. I don’t care if you hired a dick photographer (it’s a real thing I swear!) to exceptional pics of your dick, no picture is gonna make her want to touch it. Don’t believe the hype.
5. BOTTOM LINE: NEVER SEND A DICK PIC!!!!!