Don’t Give A Girl Breast Milk On A Date!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a girl back to your place give her a nice glass of wine!  Give her a beer!  Give her a coke!  Do not give her a glass of breast milk.  According to the guys at the bar it’s the yummiest thing ever!   So, where does one get breast milk to serve to the ladies?  Is it on the black market?  Can you run down to Trader Joe’s and get it?  Let me give you a clue.  I don’t care how yummy breast milk is, no girl in her right mind (and even the ones who aren’t) wants to drink milk that comes from another girl’s boobs.  Stick with that two buck chuck you get from Trader Joes.

Chivalry: Not Treating Her Like A Hooker You Picked Up On Hollywood Blvd

Dear Men of LA:

Do you know how to win a girl over?  It’s not with a lot of money or over the top dates.  It’s a little thing called Chivalry.  You do remember what that is don’t you?  It’s all about treating a lady well and not treating her like some hooker you picked up on Hollywood Blvd.  So in case you’ve forgotten what Chivalry is and don’t have time to look it up on Wikipedia here are few tips:

1.  Opening Doors  Don’t open the door and walk through first and let it slam your date in the face.  Open the door first!  Let her walk through and then you come on in.  It won’t kill you.  Also try walking around and opening her car door.  You have no idea how many points that will win you.

2  Watch The Movie She Wants To Watch  Despite popular belief women don’t want to watch Girls Gone Wild or Faces of Death every night of the week.  We may want to watch The Help or Pretty Woman.  Suck it up.  It’s only two hours.  If you can’t stand it, daydream about what we may do to you now that you’ve let us watch our movie.

3.  Flowers  What a novel concept, sending flowers to a girl.  You know you can go down to Ralph’s and buy a cute bouquet for $9.99.  You can probably pull some from your neighbor’s yard.  You have no idea what getting flowers means to a girl.  Do it!

4.  Helping Her Put Her Coat On  Another sweet gesture that takes about 5 minutes.  So simple, but it goes a long way.

5.  Holding Her Hand  When was the last time you held a girl’s hand and didn’t immediately try to go for something else.  Take a breath.  Hold her hand.  She got that manicure for a reason.

6.  Walking On The Outside of The Sidewalk  Don’t worry, no one is going to pull a drive by on you.  Protect your date.  I guarantee you she’ll show her appreciation later on.

7.  Bringing Her Soup And Gatoraid When She’s Sick  I know she looks horrible.  You don’t want to get within 10 feet of her.  But remember what you look like when you get sick and how you wish someone would take care of you.

Do You Really Think A Girl Wants To Go Down On You When Your Dick Smells Like Pee?

Dear Men of LA:

Smell matters!!!  How your breath smells, your neck smells, your balls smell, etc.  Do you think a girl really wants to kiss you when your breath smells like a barnyard?  Hell no.  We’d rather endure a wax than kiss a guy with bad breath.  Do you really think a girl wants to go down on you when your dick smells like pee, which by the way is the worst smell on earth.  On a side note, it is beyond me why you men want women to pee on you.  Do you want to go around smelling like piss?  Is this the new hot fragrance of the season?  So go out and invest some soap.  Buy some mouthwash.  Use some RightGuard.  You can go and buy in bulk at Costco.  Remember, a good smelling dick is a busy dick.

Stupid Shit Men Should Never Say!

Dear Men of LA:

You know you’ve said the shit below.  You know it never works so why do you continue to say it?  Here’s a refresher on what not to say at the bar/club/coffee shop/grocery store or any where else you are trying to pick up a girl.

1.  Lie about your job and say you are an airplane pilot, movie producer, independent millionaire etc.   Come on!  Everyone knows these are code for I’m unemployed.

2.  This goes in conjunction with number 2.  I’m trying to find myself right now.  Also code for I’m unemployed.  How about trying to find yourself a job and then hit on women.

3.  I have a place but I’m fixing it up or I have a place but you can’t come over because I have a roommate.  Hello.  Your roommate is your mom and dad!!!  If you are getting that far with a lady always ask to go to her place first.  She just may let you over.

4.  Wow!  You are so refreshing.  I’ve never met a girl like you.  All women know that’s code for I haven’t met a girl like you in the last five minutes.  Be a little more original!

5.  I’m sorry I can’t be friends with you on facebook but you can like my facebook artist/musician/business page.  Yeah ok loser.  We all know you have a girl friend and can’t give out your real facebook page.  If you are going to try this shit at least make two regular facebook pages, one real one for your friends and girl friends and one for the skanks you meet at the bar.

6.  You can come back to my place and have a drink.   All women know that’s code for I want to get into your pants.  Unless the girl is drunk that line probably won’t work.  So make sure she’s drunk first if you are going to use it!

7.  I’m sorry my heart is broken and it may never heal.  I just got out of a committed relationship and I’m not ready for anything serious. But if you just want to have some no strings sex I’m down.   You are more likely to get a drink thrown in your face for saying this than to get laid.  Don’t try it!

 

 

Send Carrier Pigeons If You Have No Other Way To Let The Girl Know You Can’t Make It

Dear Men of LA:

Do not stand up a girl and then text her the next night only saying, “phone died.”  Nothing else.  Just “phone died.”  Really?????   How about, “I’m sorry I’m a dick and I should not have stood you up.” Or, “Yes, I know I’m an asshole, but can I make it up to you?”  Phone died!  Really?  What kind of lame excuse is that.  Send carrier pigeons if you have no other way to let the girl know you can’t make it.  Unless you stand up girls for sport.  Well then you know what they say, “what goes around, comes around!”

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

Never Send A Dick Picture To A Girl! It Never Works!

Dear Men of LA:

Let’s talk about a subject that I’m sure is near and dear to your heart.  Your penis.  More to the point, sending pictures of your penis to girls who you are trying to hook up with.  IT’S A BAD IDEA!!!!  You should see the collection of penis pictures I have on my computer that I’ve gotten over the years.  I have enough pictures of dicks to paper all of downtown Los Angeles with.  Ten times over!!!!  So here is a piece of advice to men all over.  Don’t do it.  Do you really think we want to see a picture of your dick?  Hell no.  Why would you think we do, especially since we don’t even know you?  Is your dick magical?  Does it have special properties?  Can it grant wishes?  Does it make ice cream or chocolate?  Because you know that’s what us women really want ice cream, chocolate and for all of our wishes to come true.  I wonder what the success rate of dick pictures are?  Probably less than five percent I’d say.  So here is a piece of advice for you men out there.  The next time you think, “hey I’ll send this girl a picture of my dick and I know it’s going to make her rush right over and have sex with me” don’t.  IT NEVER WORKS!  Instead ask her about her.  Get to know her.  And take her out for ice cream!!  Ice cream gets you laid every time over dick pictures!!!

Taco Bell and Box Wine Does Not Get You Laid

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to put and add up on Christian Mingle (but then again why would you? You’d probably have more luck at the grocery store!  Contrary to popular belief Taco Bell and box wine does not get you laid!

 

Christian Mingles!!
Ladies!!! Your Dream is Here!!!
I love Jesus and Taco Bell!
I drink box wine because I’m not frugal. I also enjoy collecting June bugs. I’m a definite sweet talker,
Who also enjoys lazy nights on my futon couch. Come let me suck your toes which is a huge fetish of mine!
Don’t delay! I may be off the market before too long!!!!!! Feel free to contact me on my pager!!