Send Carrier Pigeons If You Have No Other Way To Let The Girl Know You Can’t Make It

Dear Men of LA:

Do not stand up a girl and then text her the next night only saying, “phone died.”  Nothing else.  Just “phone died.”  Really?????   How about, “I’m sorry I’m a dick and I should not have stood you up.” Or, “Yes, I know I’m an asshole, but can I make it up to you?”  Phone died!  Really?  What kind of lame excuse is that.  Send carrier pigeons if you have no other way to let the girl know you can’t make it.  Unless you stand up girls for sport.  Well then you know what they say, “what goes around, comes around!”

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

A Medium Told Me I Should Date You!!

Dear Men of LA:
Do not email a girl you have never met before unless it’s through a dating website.  Do you really think a girl is going to write you back?  Only in your own fantasy land maybe.  If you are going to be crazy enough to do it, for the love of God, do not write the following:  (this is from an actual letter I received)
Hello Dear,
How are you doing today? am R**** and i must tell you how delighted i am to send
you this mail. Am a single parent from New Orleans,and i hope you don’t get angry at my  little
note, I have been a widower for the last couple of years, After the death of my
wife some years ago, i decided to move on in search of a partner.And I hope we
can get to know more about each other! A friend of mine found his soulmate
through a medium and encouraged me to give it a try. I went to her and she told me all about
you and she gave me your email address and told me what you look like.  I like us to get
aquainted via the exchange of mails as it takes time for people to compose an
email and say a little about themselves. I know I’m gonna love you. I have a son and a labrador retreiver
as family and will like to know more about.  They are dying to meet you.Attached with this mail are my
pictures for your perusal. I look forward to reading your mail. r******@hotmail.com, God bless and
have a nice day.
Regards
R*****

 

I’m A Fugitive! Can You Take Me Back To Your House For Sex?

Dear Men of LA:

If you want to pick up a girl at a dive bar, please don’t say the following:

“Hey cutie, how are you?”

“Fine, what’s up?”

“Nothing much.  Hey listen, I’m a fugitive from the police and I can’t let anyone recognize me.  Please don’t take my picture.  But what you can do is take me home with you tonight and help me hide out.  And if you really want to be a good citizen, maybe let’s have some sex.”

This really happened Friday night.  I give him points for originality but did he really think that line would work?  Only in some alternative universe called, “women fall for stupid ass pickup lines.”

 

Here Kitty Kitty. Bang! Bang!

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t send messages to a girl on Ok Cupid like the following:

Do you have pets?   Do you have kitty insurance?  If you don’t it’s too bad because my long hard pistol would love to bang your kitty.  Here kitty kitty.  Bang! Bang! Bang!

Really?  What are you thinking?  Do you really think a girl is going to write back to you and say, “oh baby, come over to my house and bang the shit out of me?”  Only in your dreams big man.  Only in your dreams.

Don’t Show Your Dick To A Girl In A Bar

Dear Men of LA:

If you see a cute girl at a bar and you are trying to hit on her don’t sit down next to her and whip your dick out.  Don’t say, “do you like it” while you are showing it to her.  Believe me she doesn’t want to see it.  You’re either going to get arrested or get your ass beat.  Why not just say hello my name is Eduardo!

Don’t Put Your Mugshot All Over Town

Dear Men of LA:

If you are looking for a woman do not put up flyers all over town asking women to be your girlfriend.  Go on Match.com.   Look at the grocery store for pete’s sake.  And if you are going to be crazy enough to put your mugshot all over town do not put the following on your flyer:

I am looking for a girlfriend.  This is no joke.  I am tired of looking on Ok Cupid and Tinder and thought I would give this a try.  I am reasonably sane and clean and you should be too!  No STDs here.  I love kittens, puppies, and everything magical.  Please respond if you love the same.  dating add

No One Likes A Clingy Guy Or Stalker

Dear Men of LA:

When you go out with a girl for the first time and she drops you off at your place, at least wait until the next day to text her.   Do not text her ten minutes after you walk in the door.  Do not say, “hey I had a really good time, I’m already missing you.”  Or, “hey, I can’t stop thinking about you ever since I left your side two minutes ago.”  Or, “hey I know we were meant to be together even though we just met five hours ago.  It’s my destiny to be with you.”  Give the girl a chance to breathe.  No one likes a clingy guy or a stalker.