Men: Quit Acting Like A Girl!! Pussy Never Gets Pussy!

Dear Men of LA:

You know what’s really annoying?  When men act like a stupid girl.  Let me give you some examples:

We all know sometimes women can’t accept the fact men just want to be friends with them.  “If I’m a little sexier maybe he’ll like me.”  “If I give him a little more space maybe he’ll come around.”  You get the picture.  And women out there don’t say you aren’t guilty of this because I know I’ve been.  So you men out there don’t start doing this too.  Don’t act like a girl!!  Don’t say, “hey maybe if I let her see the sensitive, caring side of me she’ll like me more.”  Yeah we know you don’t have one.   Or….  “Maybe if I buy her a bunch of shit, she’ll like me more.”  I hate to break it to you, but while we’ll take your presents, we’ll probably never like you more.  It’s a sucker’s bet.  Or the ever popular, “I know we were meant to be.  She’ll see it one day.”  Dude, you’ve been watching too much Sex and The City.  Go out and get some fresh air.  Friends means friends!!  No means no!  If we say all we want is friendship that’s it.  It’s never going to turn into anymore.  Quit acting like a girl!!

Don’t text, call, or facebook us a million times a day.  We have shit to do.  Don’t be clingy.  There’s nothing worse than a man who won’t give a woman space.  I’m sorry, but you aren’t on our mind a million times a day.  You want to scare off a girl?  Be clingy and stalkerish.  Be like that chick from Single White Female and see how far that gets you.  And if you haven’t heard of the movie rent it from Netflix.  Maybe you’ll learn something.

Instead of being a girl be a man!  Open the door for her.  Walk on the outside of the sidewalk.  Give her a compliment once in a while.  Pick up heavy shit for her.  Like I always say:  Pussy never gets pussy.

 

Let’s Both Show Up At The Same Time

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it that if you are going to meet a girl at a bar, she has to show up first and then you have to text them and let them know you are there and THEN they will show up.  What is this some kind of power play?  Let me break it to you, a woman’s time is just as valuable as a man’s.  Are we so lucky to go out with you that we have to wait around with baited breath for you to show up?   Hell No!!  So next time you try this little power play remember this, the girl said yes!!  Hot damn you are one lucky man!  You get to spend time with someone you actually like instead of sitting alone in your apartment watching porn and well……..    We know what you’re doing!!   Don’t go ruining it by acting like an ass.

Roofies Are Not Sexy

Dear Men of LA:

I know you are desperate to get laid, yes we know it’s been a long time for you.  But seriously, are roofies the way to go?  Let’s break it down for a minute.  You put the shit in her drink.  You get her back to your lair of evil.  And then what?  It’s sexy time?  Hell no!  Your victim is nearly pass out.  She can’t make sense.  She’s pretty much non responsive and you have to do all of the work.  Is that really sexy?  It probably would be funner to have sex with a corpse (yeah I guess some men would like that).  Not to mention if you get busted your ass is going to end up in jail.  Then you’ll be someone’s bitch and I guarantee you that won’t be a sexy time.  So before you go out trolling for your next victim think about it.  Do you really want to have sex with a non responsive slobbering mess?  Do you really want to be the next girlfriend to Big Pretty, a 300 pound inmate that loves to gang rape little boys?  I DON’T THINK SO!!  Do yourself a favor and just go home and watch some porn and jack off like everyone else is doing.

Do You Really Think A Girl Wants To Go Down On You When Your Dick Smells Like Pee?

Dear Men of LA:

Smell matters!!!  How your breath smells, your neck smells, your balls smell, etc.  Do you think a girl really wants to kiss you when your breath smells like a barnyard?  Hell no.  We’d rather endure a wax than kiss a guy with bad breath.  Do you really think a girl wants to go down on you when your dick smells like pee, which by the way is the worst smell on earth.  On a side note, it is beyond me why you men want women to pee on you.  Do you want to go around smelling like piss?  Is this the new hot fragrance of the season?  So go out and invest some soap.  Buy some mouthwash.  Use some RightGuard.  You can go and buy in bulk at Costco.  Remember, a good smelling dick is a busy dick.

Unless God Is Calling, Put The Phone Down!

Dear Men of LA:

You know what annoys us women more than anything?  It’s not watching porn when you are supposed to be having sex with us.  It’s not farting on a date.  It’s not making us pay for the check, although if you do that there will never be a second date, you idiot.  It’s not talking about your ex and how great she is(if she was so great why are you out with us?).  It’s not not wearing deodorant on a date when you know you smell like a hog met a chimp if you don’t wear it.  NO!!!!  It’s texting or being on your phone when you are supposed to be paying attention to us!!!  What’s so important that you can’t put your phone away for five minutes?  Are you talking to the President?  Is he asking you to run the country while he goes out and plays golf?  Are you being offered five million dollars from Publisher’s Clearing house?  Is Hugh Heffner offering you the playboy mansion for the weekend?  Probably not!!!!  So please put down the phone.  Let it go!  A woman wants you to pay attention to her.  She doesn’t want to see you super glued to a phone.  So unless God is calling, put down the damn phone!

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Stupid Shit Men Should Never Say!

Dear Men of LA:

You know you’ve said the shit below.  You know it never works so why do you continue to say it?  Here’s a refresher on what not to say at the bar/club/coffee shop/grocery store or any where else you are trying to pick up a girl.

1.  Lie about your job and say you are an airplane pilot, movie producer, independent millionaire etc.   Come on!  Everyone knows these are code for I’m unemployed.

2.  This goes in conjunction with number 2.  I’m trying to find myself right now.  Also code for I’m unemployed.  How about trying to find yourself a job and then hit on women.

3.  I have a place but I’m fixing it up or I have a place but you can’t come over because I have a roommate.  Hello.  Your roommate is your mom and dad!!!  If you are getting that far with a lady always ask to go to her place first.  She just may let you over.

4.  Wow!  You are so refreshing.  I’ve never met a girl like you.  All women know that’s code for I haven’t met a girl like you in the last five minutes.  Be a little more original!

5.  I’m sorry I can’t be friends with you on facebook but you can like my facebook artist/musician/business page.  Yeah ok loser.  We all know you have a girl friend and can’t give out your real facebook page.  If you are going to try this shit at least make two regular facebook pages, one real one for your friends and girl friends and one for the skanks you meet at the bar.

6.  You can come back to my place and have a drink.   All women know that’s code for I want to get into your pants.  Unless the girl is drunk that line probably won’t work.  So make sure she’s drunk first if you are going to use it!

7.  I’m sorry my heart is broken and it may never heal.  I just got out of a committed relationship and I’m not ready for anything serious. But if you just want to have some no strings sex I’m down.   You are more likely to get a drink thrown in your face for saying this than to get laid.  Don’t try it!

 

 

Let’s Follow The Golden Rule When It Comes To Oral Sex

Dear Men of LA:

I know all of you men love getting blow jobs.  It’s an amazing thing right?  Well guess what women DON’T love?  Having their head slammed down while we give you a blow job.  Really?  You think that’s sexy pushing or even worse hitting a girl’s head while she’s trying to please you?  Let me tell you, it’s not sexy for the girl.  It’s downright annoying.  Our mouths are already full and you trying to make them fuller isn’t fun.  So just relax and enjoy the ride.  Leave the poor girl’s head alone.  Let me just say one more thing.  If you have any idea you are going to be getting a blow job why not clean up down there?  Make sure you smell fresh.  There is nothing worse than giving a blow job when a man stinks to high hell down there.  You know you wouldn’t want to get within 10 feet of our vaginas if they smell funky.  Let’s follow the golden rule when it comes to oral sex.  Do unto others as you would do unto yourself!!

 

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