“Remember Me?” Will End Up In Tears, A Bitch Slap, Or A Kick To The Balls!!!

Dear Men of LA:

Here is an annoying habit that you guys have seemed to pick up lately.  After one or two dates or a one night stand, you don’t call the girl again and then maybe a year or two later you call her up and say, “remember me?”  And the stupidest thing is you expect the poor girl to remember.  Or you buy a girl a drink and talk to her for maybe 10 minutes and then a a year or two later you run into her and say, “Hey remember me?  I’m the guy that bought you that drink in a bar a year ago.”   What the fuck?  Seriously?  Let me break it down for you.  The only way a girl is going to remember your dumb ass is the following:

  1.  You were so great at sex that you gave her the orgasm of your life.
  2. After sex you left the toilet set up and her cat, Miss Tittywinks accidentally drowned.  (In that case I wouldn’t try to approach her.  I’d haul ass in the other direction)
  3. You bought her the best drink of her life and then you slipped a hundred dollar bill in her bra.
  4. You made a complete ass out of yourself and threw up all over her when you were drunk.   (Again, turn around and haul ass.  She’s not going to want to see you anyway.  The smell of puke stays with a girl forever!!)

So just walk away dude.  There are plenty of other girls at the bar. She’s not going to remember you and if she does it’s not going to end well.  It’s going to end up in tears, screaming, a bitch slap, or a kick to the balls.  More than likely, all of the above.

Wendell: The Best Bar In LA

Dear Men of LA:

Go to Wendell.  Hands down the best bar in LA!

 

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Wendell Bar  656 South Main Street, LA CA

 

A Class In How To Leave The Next Morning After Sex

Dear Men of LA:

There has to be a class that teaches men how to leave the next day after they have had sex the night before.  And I swear every man on this planet needs to take it.  So just in case you haven’t taken the class here are a few pointers:

*  Don’t act weird.  What I mean by this is don’t avoid eye contact, don’t stutter, don’t act like you are scared to touch her.  Jesus man, you just banged the shit out of her the night before.  You weren’t scared to touch her then.  Why are you scared to touch her now?  DON’T BE AWKWARD

*  Don’t be afraid to kiss her.   Ok I know your breath probably smells bad.  Hers probably does too.  Run to the bathroom and put some toothpaste on your finger and swish it around in your mouth.  If you can’t do that bad breath for 10 seconds is not going to kill you.  Women love kisses in the morning!!

*   Tell her you had a good time last night.  Don’t be sleazy about it.  Don’t say, “hey baby, man you rocked my world last night.” A “I had a really great time with you last night” will suffice.  It will make her day.

*  Most importantly.  Text her at some point in the day.  Just to say hello.  You don’t know how many points you will get and it’ll make her glad she had sex with you.  You will be a knight in shining armor and not some sleaze bag!!

Men: Quit Acting Like A Girl!! Pussy Never Gets Pussy!

Dear Men of LA:

You know what’s really annoying?  When men act like a stupid girl.  Let me give you some examples:

We all know sometimes women can’t accept the fact men just want to be friends with them.  “If I’m a little sexier maybe he’ll like me.”  “If I give him a little more space maybe he’ll come around.”  You get the picture.  And women out there don’t say you aren’t guilty of this because I know I’ve been.  So you men out there don’t start doing this too.  Don’t act like a girl!!  Don’t say, “hey maybe if I let her see the sensitive, caring side of me she’ll like me more.”  Yeah we know you don’t have one.   Or….  “Maybe if I buy her a bunch of shit, she’ll like me more.”  I hate to break it to you, but while we’ll take your presents, we’ll probably never like you more.  It’s a sucker’s bet.  Or the ever popular, “I know we were meant to be.  She’ll see it one day.”  Dude, you’ve been watching too much Sex and The City.  Go out and get some fresh air.  Friends means friends!!  No means no!  If we say all we want is friendship that’s it.  It’s never going to turn into anymore.  Quit acting like a girl!!

Don’t text, call, or facebook us a million times a day.  We have shit to do.  Don’t be clingy.  There’s nothing worse than a man who won’t give a woman space.  I’m sorry, but you aren’t on our mind a million times a day.  You want to scare off a girl?  Be clingy and stalkerish.  Be like that chick from Single White Female and see how far that gets you.  And if you haven’t heard of the movie rent it from Netflix.  Maybe you’ll learn something.

Instead of being a girl be a man!  Open the door for her.  Walk on the outside of the sidewalk.  Give her a compliment once in a while.  Pick up heavy shit for her.  Like I always say:  Pussy never gets pussy.

 

Let’s Both Show Up At The Same Time

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it that if you are going to meet a girl at a bar, she has to show up first and then you have to text them and let them know you are there and THEN they will show up.  What is this some kind of power play?  Let me break it to you, a woman’s time is just as valuable as a man’s.  Are we so lucky to go out with you that we have to wait around with baited breath for you to show up?   Hell No!!  So next time you try this little power play remember this, the girl said yes!!  Hot damn you are one lucky man!  You get to spend time with someone you actually like instead of sitting alone in your apartment watching porn and well……..    We know what you’re doing!!   Don’t go ruining it by acting like an ass.

Tricks Are For Kids And Hookers!

Dear Men of LA:

If you ask for a girl’s number then call her.  If you don’t want to call her then don’t ask for her number.  Oh so simple, but so hard for some men to grasp the concept.  Don’t be a lame ass and call her at 12:30 on a Monday night and say, “hey sorry I forgot to call you.  Do you want to go out now?  Hell no I do not want to go out now!!!   I’m in my pajamas watching Law and Order.  Don’t play games.  Don’t play tricks.  Tricks are for kids and hookers.

Schlitz Malt Liquor, Spanish Fly, And A Half Open Condom Do Not Make A Great Date

Dear Men of LA:

I know all of you men are always looking for ideas for the perfect date.  After all you want there to be a next date don’t you?  Hell yes!!  Well the below is never going to get you that next date:

You show up at the girls house in all of your glory (faded ripped jeans and a holey t-shirt) and say, “Hey lady, listen I’ve got the perfect date for us.  I’ve got a 40 of Schlitz Malt Liquor that we can share, some Spanish Fly, and half open condom I found on the ground.  Let’s go find us a make out spot and make some magic.”   Yep!  That’s every girl’s idea of a dream date.