Lie Cheat Or Steal

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t lie, cheat, or steal.  It’s a simple rule to live by but why is it so hard to follow?  Let’s explore these three rules shall we?

Cheat:  No one likes a cheater.  When you stick your dick in someone other than your girlfriend, do you really think she’s going to let you stick your dick back in her?  If she’s smart, hell no.  If she’s stupid, well then hell yes.  (But do you really want to hang out with a stupid girl?)  They always say grass is greener on the other side, but let me tell you it’s just as brown as it is on your side.  And if you do decide to cheat, for the love of God don’t sleep with your girl’s best friend.  That’s tackier than shit.  Keep your dick in your pants or otherwise it might end up on the bedroom floor.

Lie:  Everyone tells little white lies now and then but it’s the big lies that always bites in the ass.  Keep it honest.  Keep it real.  There is nothing sexier than being honest.  If she doesn’t look good in that ugly ass dress, tell her, but in a nice way.  If she’s put on a few pounds, tell her, but in a nice way.  Believe me, she’d rather know than not know.

Steal:  Don’t steal candy, money, or other people’s girlfriends.  Remember you have a great girl!  How would you feel if someone stole your girl?  Just remember the golden rule.  And ladies, the same applies to you.  And for god’s sake, if you are going to steal someone else’s guy, after you screw him, don’t go around town and make up horrible stories like he raped you.  No one wants to hear it.

Just remember women have a long memory and it takes forever for them to get over something.  So the next time you think about lying, cheating, or stealing remember the long road of misery your woman is going to rain down on you.  Is it really worth it?

Men: Quit Acting Like A Girl!! Pussy Never Gets Pussy!

Dear Men of LA:

You know what’s really annoying?  When men act like a stupid girl.  Let me give you some examples:

We all know sometimes women can’t accept the fact men just want to be friends with them.  “If I’m a little sexier maybe he’ll like me.”  “If I give him a little more space maybe he’ll come around.”  You get the picture.  And women out there don’t say you aren’t guilty of this because I know I’ve been.  So you men out there don’t start doing this too.  Don’t act like a girl!!  Don’t say, “hey maybe if I let her see the sensitive, caring side of me she’ll like me more.”  Yeah we know you don’t have one.   Or….  “Maybe if I buy her a bunch of shit, she’ll like me more.”  I hate to break it to you, but while we’ll take your presents, we’ll probably never like you more.  It’s a sucker’s bet.  Or the ever popular, “I know we were meant to be.  She’ll see it one day.”  Dude, you’ve been watching too much Sex and The City.  Go out and get some fresh air.  Friends means friends!!  No means no!  If we say all we want is friendship that’s it.  It’s never going to turn into anymore.  Quit acting like a girl!!

Don’t text, call, or facebook us a million times a day.  We have shit to do.  Don’t be clingy.  There’s nothing worse than a man who won’t give a woman space.  I’m sorry, but you aren’t on our mind a million times a day.  You want to scare off a girl?  Be clingy and stalkerish.  Be like that chick from Single White Female and see how far that gets you.  And if you haven’t heard of the movie rent it from Netflix.  Maybe you’ll learn something.

Instead of being a girl be a man!  Open the door for her.  Walk on the outside of the sidewalk.  Give her a compliment once in a while.  Pick up heavy shit for her.  Like I always say:  Pussy never gets pussy.

 

Tricks Are For Kids And Hookers!

Dear Men of LA:

If you ask for a girl’s number then call her.  If you don’t want to call her then don’t ask for her number.  Oh so simple, but so hard for some men to grasp the concept.  Don’t be a lame ass and call her at 12:30 on a Monday night and say, “hey sorry I forgot to call you.  Do you want to go out now?  Hell no I do not want to go out now!!!   I’m in my pajamas watching Law and Order.  Don’t play games.  Don’t play tricks.  Tricks are for kids and hookers.

The Difference Between Blue Balls and Happy Balls

Dear Men of LA:

Be like a boy scout:  always be prepared.  Always have condoms in your wallet, pocket, fanny pack, or where ever.  How much does it suck, if you are sliding into home base and then have to ask, “uh do you have a condom?” and then your conquest says, “uh I thought you had one.”  Now you have to get your ass up, run down to the Seven Eleven and buy a three pack.  By the time you get back your date has sobered up and she’s lost all interest in you.  So be prepared.  Have a fuck kit (breath mints, gum, condoms, lube, spanish fly, and booze) where ever you go.  It just could be the difference between blue balls and happy balls.

newscoutoath

Schlitz Malt Liquor, Spanish Fly, And A Half Open Condom Do Not Make A Great Date

Dear Men of LA:

I know all of you men are always looking for ideas for the perfect date.  After all you want there to be a next date don’t you?  Hell yes!!  Well the below is never going to get you that next date:

You show up at the girls house in all of your glory (faded ripped jeans and a holey t-shirt) and say, “Hey lady, listen I’ve got the perfect date for us.  I’ve got a 40 of Schlitz Malt Liquor that we can share, some Spanish Fly, and half open condom I found on the ground.  Let’s go find us a make out spot and make some magic.”   Yep!  That’s every girl’s idea of a dream date.

If You Sleep Over At A Girl’s House There Is A Check Out Time

Dear Men of LA:

If you sleep over at a girl’s house there is a check out time.  Don’t make yourself at home.  Don’t take up residence.  Don’t expect breakfast.  Don’t park your ass on the couch and start watching her tv and hope to hang out all day.  Her home is not the Holiday Inn.  Do the walk of shame and get it over with.

What Women Really Look Like When They Go To Bed! It Ain’t Sexy!

Dear Men of LA:

It’s 3 am.  You are drunk, horny, and alone.  You think, “wow, it would be a great idea to call a girl and have her come over for some NSA fun!  You picture her in a red lace teddy, looking sexy as hell, sleeping peacefully, just waiting for that magic call from you.  She’s going to happily pick up the phone and scream, “yes I’ll be glad to come over and do all kinds of X rated things to you.”  Guess what guys?  This only happens in Penthouse Forum and in your dreams.  Let me break down the reality of the situation.  First off, the girl is not alone.  What?!!!  How can my girl not be sleeping alone?  She’s only supposed to have eyes for me.  No she’s not sleeping alone dipshit.  She’s sleeping with her two or three cats.  And they do not like to share the bed and they sure as hell don’t want their mommy leaving in the middle of the night!!  She’s not all sexy, wearing a teddy, thong, or any other sexy get up you can imagine.  She’s wearing her old granny panties, you know the ones that have stains and have been completely stretched out.  Oooh sexy!  She’s also wearing her old ratty t shirt and baggy jogging pants.   Hmmmmm…..    Next, do you really think women go to bed in full makeup?  Is their hair perfect?  Again, hell no.  Women wear nasty ass moisturizer all over their faces that makes them look like a cross between a zombie from The Walking Dead and that little girl from The Exorcist.  So the next time you think about waking up a woman to come over and have some NSA nookie take a step back.  Picture what she REALLY looks like a bed.  I guarantee you that you won’t pick up that phone and you’ll be happy with your own hand.

 

Scared Guy Main