Never Send A Dick Picture To A Girl! It Never Works!

Dear Men of LA:

Let’s talk about a subject that I’m sure is near and dear to your heart.  Your penis.  More to the point, sending pictures of your penis to girls who you are trying to hook up with.  IT’S A BAD IDEA!!!!  You should see the collection of penis pictures I have on my computer that I’ve gotten over the years.  I have enough pictures of dicks to paper all of downtown Los Angeles with.  Ten times over!!!!  So here is a piece of advice to men all over.  Don’t do it.  Do you really think we want to see a picture of your dick?  Hell no.  Why would you think we do, especially since we don’t even know you?  Is your dick magical?  Does it have special properties?  Can it grant wishes?  Does it make ice cream or chocolate?  Because you know that’s what us women really want ice cream, chocolate and for all of our wishes to come true.  I wonder what the success rate of dick pictures are?  Probably less than five percent I’d say.  So here is a piece of advice for you men out there.  The next time you think, “hey I’ll send this girl a picture of my dick and I know it’s going to make her rush right over and have sex with me” don’t.  IT NEVER WORKS!  Instead ask her about her.  Get to know her.  And take her out for ice cream!!  Ice cream gets you laid every time over dick pictures!!!

If You Need To See Women In Their Underwear……

Dear Men of LA:

If you are really desperate to see women in underwear there is always porn.  There’s always Victoria’s Secret.  Shit you can even see them in a JC Penny’s Catalog.  But for the love of God, don’t put an add like this up on Craigslist.

Do you really think a real photographer much less a woman is going to answer this add?  If so you must be off in never never land.

Female Photographer Needed TODAY (Downtown LA)

Sexy young female photographer needed today at 5pm for 2 hour photo shoot. You will be shooting 3 models in underwear/lingerie/implied nude. You will need to be topless and in your panties (no pictures will be taken of you).  (Really do you need to be in your underwear to photograph?  That’s a new one on me!)

This is a work made for hire shoot. You will be provided a camera and lenses. Take the pics and leave them. No post required. If you’ve been wanting to get into photography, great opportunity as many more opportunities could be coming your way after this one.  (I’m sure there will be.  It’s called pornography  Don’t be shy!)

If A Girl Wants To Hold Your Hand………..

I actually overheard this the other day!  Good grief!


Dear Men of LA:

Please don’t give advice out if you don’t know the first thing about relationships.  Please just keep your mouth closed and keep shit to yourself.  And if you are going to give advice to your guy friends, don’t give out gems like this one:

Guys if a girl starts getting too emotionally attached AKA starts holding your hand in public there is only one good way to scare her away. Become extremely needy and emotionally attached. Don’t give her any space. If she likes it then RUN! Run as fast as you can haha!

God Gave You Ears For A Reason! Leave Me Alone So I Can Watch Charlie Hunnam Run Around Half Naked On TV!

Dear Men of LA:

God gave you ears for a reason.  He just didn’t put them on your head for decoration or as a place to stuff random crap in.  So use them.

When a woman says, “hey I don’t feel like having sex with you because I have a headache.”  Listen!  (Although she’s probably lying about the headache!)

When a woman says, “hey I can’t go out with you tonight, but maybe some other night.”  Listen!  (Although she probably doesn’t want to go out with you at all.)

When a woman says, “it’s over!  I don’t want to go out with you anymore.”  Listen!  (It doesn’t mean try harder.  It really is over.)

And for the love of God, when a woman says, “don’t bother me while I’m trying to watch Sons of Anarchy.”  Listen!   (It doesn’t mean keep on pestering me.  It isn’t code for I want to have sex with you.

It means leave me the hell alone because I want to drool all over Charlie Hunnam while he runs around half naked on TV.)

A Medium Told Me I Should Date You!!

Dear Men of LA:
Do not email a girl you have never met before unless it’s through a dating website.  Do you really think a girl is going to write you back?  Only in your own fantasy land maybe.  If you are going to be crazy enough to do it, for the love of God, do not write the following:  (this is from an actual letter I received)
Hello Dear,
How are you doing today? am R**** and i must tell you how delighted i am to send
you this mail. Am a single parent from New Orleans,and i hope you don’t get angry at my  little
note, I have been a widower for the last couple of years, After the death of my
wife some years ago, i decided to move on in search of a partner.And I hope we
can get to know more about each other! A friend of mine found his soulmate
through a medium and encouraged me to give it a try. I went to her and she told me all about
you and she gave me your email address and told me what you look like.  I like us to get
aquainted via the exchange of mails as it takes time for people to compose an
email and say a little about themselves. I know I’m gonna love you. I have a son and a labrador retreiver
as family and will like to know more about.  They are dying to meet you.Attached with this mail are my
pictures for your perusal. I look forward to reading your mail. r******, God bless and
have a nice day.


I’m A Fugitive! Can You Take Me Back To Your House For Sex?

Dear Men of LA:

If you want to pick up a girl at a dive bar, please don’t say the following:

“Hey cutie, how are you?”

“Fine, what’s up?”

“Nothing much.  Hey listen, I’m a fugitive from the police and I can’t let anyone recognize me.  Please don’t take my picture.  But what you can do is take me home with you tonight and help me hide out.  And if you really want to be a good citizen, maybe let’s have some sex.”

This really happened Friday night.  I give him points for originality but did he really think that line would work?  Only in some alternative universe called, “women fall for stupid ass pickup lines.”


Can You Wear Soft Soled Shoes So My Wife Won’t Catch Us Having Sex

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going out on a date, do not say, “hey can you wear soft sole shoes so my neighbors won’t hear you when we are walking up my driveway?’  Really?  Do you think I stomp around like an elephant while I’m walking?  Do your neighbors really give a shit if you bring a woman home?  No one cares!  Well I guess your wife cares if you bring home a woman that’s not her.