Dear Men of LA,

The grocery store is not a good place to pick up chicks, especially at 1 am.  A girl is only at the grocery store at 1 am for two things:  wine and ice cream.  She’s not there for a late night drive by.   Here are some examples of definite DON’TS that I witnessed one night on my way home from work:

1  DON’T   Go up to a girl while she’s looking at wine, plant your nose in her neck and then say, “wow you smell good.  Want to come home with me?”

2  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you want to see my new dildo?  It’s a present for my cousin.”   Also don’t show it to her, especially if you are a really old guy that smells like shit.

3  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “hey do you know where they keep the $3.99 wine?  I want to impress a girl tonight.  Do you think that will impress her?”

4  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “why are you alone at the grocery store this time of night?  Are you looking to get laid?  I’d be happy to offer my stud services!”

5  DON’T  Go up to a girl and say, “I’m a lot better for you than ice cream and I’m a lot less fattening.”