Don’t Give A Girl Breast Milk On A Date!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to take a girl back to your place give her a nice glass of wine!  Give her a beer!  Give her a coke!  Do not give her a glass of breast milk.  According to the guys at the bar it’s the yummiest thing ever!   So, where does one get breast milk to serve to the ladies?  Is it on the black market?  Can you run down to Trader Joe’s and get it?  Let me give you a clue.  I don’t care how yummy breast milk is, no girl in her right mind (and even the ones who aren’t) wants to drink milk that comes from another girl’s boobs.  Stick with that two buck chuck you get from Trader Joes.

Never Use Masterbate, Grandma, And Dick In The Same Sentence

Dear Men of LA:

I overheard and saw these precious gems while I was at my local clubhouse (the bar) yesterday.  Do not say or do any of the below unless you want to be permanently maimed, spit on, slapped, or all three.

  1.  Does your sexy kitty want to come out in play?  I’d sure like to pet it.
  2. Use the words masturbate, grandma, and dick in the same sentence.
  3. Never go up and lick her face and bite her chin.
  4. After said biting and licking say, “sex, money?”
  5. I would like to bend you over the bar and show you how the old folks do it.
  6. Follow her to the bathroom so you can show her “how to flush the toilet”
  7. Offer to paint her toenails and then lick them.
  8. Have you put on some weight?  Let me help you work it off.
  9.  Pass out bananas and then say, “I’d sure like to show you where I can put this banana!”