Thank you to Alana Fayson and Jessica Hawkins Ryan for the inspiration!
Dear Men of LA:
No one likes the boomerang dick. When we close the door on your dick, it’s closed for good. Don’t think just because you left some ratty ass stuffed dog (that you probably got from the 99 cent store) on our back doorstep that we are going to take your dick back. (FYI: Miss Tiddlywinks just finished therapy for the whole leaving the toilet seat up fiasco, now she has to go back because your stupid dog is giving her nightmares!) Don’t think sending dick pics is going to make us want your dick back. (FYI: Dick pics aren’t that sexy. We know what your dick looks like. We don’t need a picture.) Don’t think, “Forgive me. I miss you. I can’t live without you” is going to get your dick in the pussy door. (FYI: We’ve heard that shit before. Remember we watch romantic movies. That shit never works in real life.) The boomerang dick never works. We’re always going to throw it right back at you, so keep it to yourself.
Dear Men of LA:
Here are some important lessons guys should keep in mind about Valentine’s Day.
1 Using the excuse, “I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day” never works. Wake up, moron! There was Valentine’s Day crap everywhere from the grocery store to the pot dispensary. And if you didn’t go to the store, there was someone selling Valentine’s Day crap on every street corner in LA county. You had to be blind, deaf, or stupid to not know it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.
2 I didn’t know what to get you. That crap never works either. Let me give you a clue. Women love flowers. I can’t think of a single girl I’ve ever met who didn’t like flowers. It must be in our DNA, just like it’s in a guy’s DNA to be predisposed to hating Valentine’s Day. It’s not that hard to go to someone’s yard, pick a flower, put it in some water, and then give it to her and say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”
3. Even if the girl says, “don’t worry about Valentine’s Day” you sure as shit better do something, even if it’s giving her a card. Women don’t want to be perceived as high maintenance, but on Valentine’s Day I hate to say we are. We’ve watched way too many romantic movies where the guy always steps up in the end with the romantic gesture. So step up with a romantic gesture. I don’t care if you have to suffer through The Notebook or Pretty Woman to figure it out. Two hours of misery watching some chic flick is way better than two days of misery (where she calls you an asshole every five minutes and tells you that you are never getting laid again).
4. Remember all the nice things she’s done for you and then suck it up and do something nice for her on Valentine’s Day. I know you hate Valentine’s Day, but remember women love it. So just remember the time she let you bring your dog and your mom’s dog over and they scared the shit out of her cat, Miss Tiddlywinks and she had to take the cat to the psychiatrist for post dramatic stress. Remember all the times she let you put your stinky feet in her bed. Remember all the times you left the toilet seat up and she almost fell in. Also, Miss Tiddlywinks almost drowned from leaving the toilet seat up. Just remember she does nice things for you every day. Can it hurt for you to do something nice for her one day out of the year?