You Get The Room, I’ve Got The Sperm

Pick up lines from Monte Carlo Bar.  You know I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried.

Dear Men of LA:

Think before you speak.  Stupid lines will never get you laid.  Here are a few gems I heard last night:

You get the room, I’ve got the sperm.

You have the softest skin.  If you don’t quit rubbing my back I’m going to break your hand.  (That was me by the way!)  Oh, so you are a lesbian.  You know just because I don’t want you groping me doesn’t mean I’m gay.  It means I want to enjoy my cranberry juice in peace asshole.

Oh, you are a size 5?  That’s skinny!

Can I stay at your house and play video games?  I promise I won’t hit on you.

You are way too beautiful to be a photographer!  Wow!  Does that mean all photographers are ugly?  Hmmm.

I’m not a big shot.  I’m all about making love.

Do you want to play Pokemon?  Can I poke you man?

I’m gay!  Can you make me straight?

My dick is famous.  Can I make you famous?

I don’t let many people near my ass, but I’ll let you.

I have a Porshe.  I can’t wait to see you lying in the back of it.

You are just a notch on my belt.

And if you are really trying to impress a girl don’t close with the following:

I have mansions in Connecticut and North Carolina.   Maybe you could see them sometime.  Right now I’m staying at Wi Spa where they only charge you $25 a night.

 

 

 

Yes You Can Fuck A Girl Too Hard!

Dear Men of LA,

A guy friend of mine texted me last night and said, “Hey I’ve been reading your blog.  Is it really true that you can fuck a girl too hard?”  Hell yes, it’s true.  Contrary to popular belief, your dick is not a jackhammer.  Girls do not like looking like a rape victim from Law and Order SVU.  They actually like being able to walk the next day.  So the next time you think your dick is a jackhammer let’s take a step back.  Remember the golden rule.  Do unto others and all that jazz.  How would you like it if a girl took out a jackhammer and beat the crap out of you and your dick while she was screwing you?