Should You Send Her A Dick Pic?

dick-pic

Dear Men of LA:

A friend of mine sent this to me yesterday and I thought it was hilarious.  Let me just throw out a few nuggets to help you guys make that important decision:  whether or not to send a dick pic?

1.  Did she ask for a dick pic?  I can answer that.  Hell no!!  No girl is ever going to ask for a dick pic unless she’s drunk as hell.  If she is drunk and asks for your dick pic she’s never going to remember it anyway and will end up deleting it from her phone.

2.  If by some sheer miracle she really does want a dick pic and she’s sober it’s probably because she’s seen it before.  Which brings us to our next question.  If she’s seen it before, why does she need a picture?  Is she going to frame it and put it on her wall?  Is she going to stare at it and hold it close to her heart before she goes to bed?  Hell no!!  She’s going to use it in some crazy revenge plot when you guys break up.  She’s going to plaster that shit all over town and embarrass the hell out of you.  Remember, dick pics are forever.  They never go away.

3.  Also if she did accept your dick pic did she send a naked pic of herself back?  Hell no!  Read above.  Women know that shit can be used against them.  Sending a second pic of your dick from another angle will not help things.  It’ll just give her more ammunition to use against you.

4. Is your dick pic so fabulous that it made her want to touch it?  I doubt it.  I don’t care if you hired a dick photographer (it’s a real thing I swear!) to exceptional pics of your dick, no picture is gonna make her want to touch it.  Don’t believe the hype.

5.  BOTTOM LINE:  NEVER SEND A DICK PIC!!!!!

Let’s Keep Our Hands, Spit, Tongues, And Dicks To Ourselves At The Bar!

Yesterday’s adventures at my local bar!

Dear Men of LA:

Here’s a tip.  Do not go up to a girl in a bar and start licking her ear.  I have no idea why people like having their ears licked.  Spit in an ear feels slimy and gross.  Also, don’t go up to her and start rubbing her hair saying, “your hair is so soft.  It feels like angel hair.”  What exactly does angel hair feel like?  Is it softer than a kitten?  Softer than a baby’s butt?  Softer than a virgin’s vagina?  Hmmmm!  So here’s a novel idea.  Let’s keep our hands, spit, tongues, dicks and everything else to ourselves at the bar.  One of these days you are going to lick the wrong chicks ear and end up in a jail cell with a guy called Miss Twiddlywinks.  Then I guarantee you Miss Twiddlywinks will want to lick more than your ear.

I Do Not Want To Hear About Your Circumcision! I Don’t Want To See It Either!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick up a girl at the bar do not open with, “hey I just got a circumcision, do you want to hear about it?”  Hell no she doesn’t!  Also, don’t keep going on and on about it and then end with, “do you want to go to the bathroom and see it?  It looks a little weird, but it still works.”  Keep that shit to yourself, dude.  I have no idea why guys automatically think girls want to see their dicks.  Here’s a clue.  We don’t!  So let’s keep personal shit like circumcisions, nose hair stories, and jail experiences to ourselves.  Women don’t want to hear it.