Penis Numbing Spray Is Never A Good Idea

Dear Men of LA:

Never use penis numbing spray on your dick to keep yourself from cumming.  I don’t care if the bottle says, ” become an endurance champion through the magic of a medically deadened penis“, it’s not a good idea. (Yeah a dead penis always sounds sexy!)  Imagine if you spray that shit on your dick and then your lady goes down on you.  What do you think is going to happen?  I tell you what’s going to happen.  Your woman’s mouth is going to go completely numb and she will lose all feeling in her mouth.  She will not be able to suck.  She will not be able to talk.  She will just lie there with her mouth hanging open and drool running out of her mouth.  Hot!!  I’m sure she’s gonna want to have sex with you after you just deadened her mouth like a damn dentist.  So the next time you want to keep yourself from cumming, do what every other red-blooded male does.  Think about your mom and dad having sex.  I guarantee that will slow your dick down.

You Know Why They Call Me The Cat Whisperer?

Dear Men of LA:
Pick up lines do not work. Going up to a girl in a bar and saying, “hey baby, do you come here often” is just like saying, “hey, girl I’m a douche that has no idea what to say to women.” I don’t think “do you come here often?” has ever worked on a girl. Do you really want to know if she comes there often? Hell no!! You just want to know if she cums often and how you can get her to make you cum. So next time you want to approach a girl here’s a clue. Pick up lines never work. I don’t care how clever you think they are.
Your clothes would look better lying on my floor.
You look like an angel that fell down from heaven.
I’ll treat you like my homework: Slam you on the table and do you all night long!
You know what I like in a girl? [What?] My dick.
You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?
You know why they call me the cat whisperer? Cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
So let’s try a new approach. Go up to a girl and just say, “hi”!!!! I swear it’ll work a whole lot better than, “do you come here often”?


Dear Men of LA:

I’ve been working on a tv show based on Dear Men of LA for quite a while.  Here’s a teaser scene from the show.  I hope you like it.  Watch until the end because there’s a surprise!!

We Are Not Waiting By The Phone For You!

Dear Men of LA:

Why do you think we are waiting by the phone for you?  I swear it’s becoming an epidemic lately.  A guy will call you after three months of radio silence and say, “hey I sort of miss hanging out and talking with you!”  I sort of miss?  Really?  Well if you sort of missed me why didn’t you sort of call?  Here’s another one.  A guy calls on a Monday and says, “hey I want to get to know you, let’s go out” but then doesn’t call you again until 8 pm on a Friday night and says, “are you ready?”  No phone calls or texts during the week, no nothing.  I swear these days when a guy says, “I want to get to know you it’s code for, “I want to get in your pants.”  So listen up guys.  We are not waiting by the phone for you.  We are not waiting around for you to make up your mind if you want to go out with us.  It’s not cute when you say, “I sort of miss you.”  Guess what?  We don’t miss you.  Our time is just as valuable as yours is.  So until you start treating women with some respect and act like you have some common sense the pussy door is locked.  I hope that hand keeps you warm at night.