There Is No Fairy Tale!

Dear Men of LA:

What happened to the fairy tale?  You know where the princess gets the prince?  Instead, it seems like all we get these days is a bunch of frogs.  I’ve been watching and reading a lot of chick stuff lately (don’t ask me why) and there’s always some grand romantic gesture where the guy always gets the girl.  Where is the modern day grand gesture?  Here’s what happens in real life.

A guy calls up a girl and asks her out on a date

Real life:  A guys texts the girl in the middle of the night and asks her for a booty call.

A guy tries to woo the girl by giving her flowers, candy, sweet words, etc.

Real life:  A guy texts her she looks hot and thinks that’s enough to get the girl to sleep with him.  That’s wooing in the 21st century.

A guy tries to get to know the girl before he sleeps with her.  He takes an interest in her thoughts, hobbies, and anything else in her life.

Real life:  A guy only cares if he can get the girl to sleep with him on the first date.   He only pretends to listen and I swear if there was a quiz after she slept with him he’d fail.

A guy who actually really listens to what a woman has to say.  He actually pays attention.

Real life:  Words go in one ear and out the other.  No man ever really listens.

A real man opens a door for her, walks on the outside, offers her his coat, etc.

Real life:  A homeless man starts assaulting the girl (spitting on her) and the spineless ass of a man runs away.

Older Man, Younger Girl: There’s Nothing To Talk About

Thanks for the inspiration last night J.

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t bitch and moan about having nothing to talk about to the girl you are dating if she’s like 20.  First off she’s a girl, not a woman.  What does she have to talk about?  Her newest Hello Kitty accessory?   Lollipops?  The newest Taylor Swift song?  Seriously!!  She may look hot in bed and is wrinkle free, but can you really have a good time with her?  Can you talk to her on an adult level about art, politics, and everything else in the world?  So what if she looks great in bed.  Does she even know what she’s doing or is she just lying there?  I did not know jack when I was 20, but I guarantee you I know a lot more now.  I’m also a lot more comfortable in my own skin and definitely more confident.  Remember this:  looks are not permanent.  What if your hot 20-year-old girlfriend is in a car accident the next day and all of her looks are gone?  What are you going to do then?  Play Candyland with her?  Talk about the newest Kendall and Kylie clothing line?  Go find another 20-year-old?  Or are you  going to go find a real woman who is around your age and you can have a real relationship with?  Remember this:  looks fade, but what’s on the inside of a person never goes away.

Don’t Lie! You Wouldn’t Want A Girl To Say You Are Great In Bed When You Really Sucked!

Dear Men of LA:

Here’s a clue.  Women like honesty.  They hate to be lied to.  You wouldn’t want a girl to lie to you and say you were great in bed when you really sucked ass.  Or say you had a big dick, but really it was so small that you could barely see it.  If you really don’t want to go to a party don’t lie and say you are on the way.  Don’t waste her motherfucking time.  Here’s a few other things not to lie about.

1  If she’s fat, don’t lie.   Be honest.  If she’s fat, tell her she’s fat.  Just say it in a nice way.  Make her be inspired to go to the gym.

2  If you killed her cat Miss Tiddlywinks, don’t lie.  Tell her about it.  We know you didn’t mean to flush her cat down the toilet.  Just go and get her another cat and pray for forgiveness.

3.  If she sucks at sex, don’t lie.  Go get her a couple of pornos and show her the way.  She may really appreciate some instruction.

4.  If her clothes are ugly, don’t lie.  Tell her they’re ugly, but again, in a nice way.  Take her shopping.  Women love to shop.

5.  If she smells, don’t lie.  Tell her so.  True story.  Honestly, I had really strong underarm odor and I wore all the wrong perfume.  Luckily, I had a boyfriend that told me the truth and did so in a really constructive way.  Now I wear the strongest deodorant there is and Dolche and Gabanna Light Blue and everyone says I smell great.

6.  If her pussy smells, don’t lie.  Same rules apply.  They make douches for that shit.  She’s gonna notice something is wrong when you don’t want to go down on her.  Also, make sure your dick smells good as well or she’s not going to want to go down on you either.

What The Hell Is A Drive By?

Dear Men of LA:

(Witnessed last night!)

If you are a married man up at the bar trying to pick up some unsuspecting girl you may want to keep a few things in mind:

1.  Take off your wedding ring.  Women are not stupid.  One of the first things women check out on a man is their ring finger.  Then Facebook.

2.  Facebook   If you give her your real name you’d better not have any photos of your wife/significant other all over your facebook page.  That’s a dead giveaway.  Make up a fake page and give it to her.  (I’ve known guys who have done this.)

3.  Don’t say, “I promise you aren’t just a drive by.”  First off, what the hell is a “drive by?”  Is it something like a drive-in?  Look if you are going to use a girl like she’s a Seven Eleven, then don’t tell her.  She’s never going to go home with you (if she’s smart) if you use her like she’s a hooker straight off Hollywood Blvd.

4.  If you are going to pull a drive by on her don’t say it so loud that the whole bar hears you.  Keep your mouth shut.  I guarantee you there’s at least one girl that will come to your intended victim’s aid.  She’ll probably kick your ass.

5.  If in the end you do shoot off your mouth and a bunch of girls descend on you like they are at Marc Jacob’s sample sale time to haul ass.  Pissed off girls will kick your ass.  You may just end up going home with your dick in your hand.  And not in a good way!