Things Women Do Not Want To Hear Before Sex

Dear Men of LA:

There are certain things women do not want to hear right before sex.  Let your dick do the talking and not your mouth.  Here are a few you definitely need to keep to yourself.

1  My dick is going to tear your pussy up.   Really?  Women like to have sex, not have their pussy beaten by a stick.

2  I swear I don’t have herpes anymore.  Just look and see.  Yeah, that’s a ringing endorsement.

3  We can go bareback.  All the other girls let me do it that way.   Let me tell you something jackass.  If all of the other girls really let you go bareback, I guarantee you that they gave you an STD.

4  I swear me and my girlfriend are over with.  Every girl knows that’s code for “I’m still with my girlfriend, I just like to get ass on the side.”

5  I don’t have any condoms.  Get your ass out of bed and go to 7-11 and get some.  No sane woman is going to screw you unless you wrap that sucker up.

6  I swear that’s your  hair on my dick.  It may look blonde, but it really is black.    Clean your dick before you have sex with your woman. It seems like common sense I know, but you would be surprised.   Make sure there’s nothing down there that can be tied to the scene of your past crimes.  Remember women are like an inspector general when it comes to a man’s dick.

Nothing Is Complicated About Sticking Your Dick Where It Doesn’t Belong!

Dear Men of LA:

How come every time a guy goes sticking his dick somewhere he shouldn’t it’s complicated?  For example:

I had sex with a hooker I picked up on Hollywood Blvd while I was on my way to 7-11.  It’s complicated.  (Sex with a hooker is always complicated.  You have sex with them and they take all of your money.  Like I said, complicated!)

I didn’t mean to have sex with your best friend.  It was an accident.  It’s complicated. (You know it’s really your friend’s fault not mine!)

I didn’t mean to pick up that girl at the bar.  I swear she was coming on to me.  It’s complicated.  (It was her fault!! It’s always the girl’s fault!)

Oh shit, I thought that was your pussy not your asshole.  I really didn’t mean to stick my dick in your ass.  It’s complicated.  (Yeah I guess it’s complicated when you can’t tell one hole from the other.)

I didn’t mean to send you those dick pictures last night.  I hit the wrong button.  It’s complicated.  (I.E. my phone is complicated)

Women Only Want To See Dicks Up Close And Personal!

Dear Men of LA:

The following is a list of pictures no girl wants to see on your profile.  I swear I’ve seen all of these pictures on Tinder in the last week and they’ve made me want to claw out my eyes.

A naked guy holding his cat.  OK let’s face it, most girls love cats, but unless you look like David Beckham (or have a super cute cat named Miss Tiddlywinks) no girl wants to see this.  Keep the clothes on and let the cat’s cuteness do the talking.

A naked guy lying on a couch licking his fingers.  Really?  Since when did licking your fingers like you are in a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial look sexy?  Also, it doesn’t help your case if you weigh 300 pounds.  Let’s skip the chicken and fingers!  Go put some clothes on, do a normal pose, and hit the gym.

A guy dressed in a baby doll dress holding a cup of pee.  Now I swear that this one is out there.  Shit, I almost dropped my iPad when I saw it.  Why any guy would think a picture of him dressed in drag holding a cup of piss would turn anyone on is beyond me.  It takes all kinds right?  Good luck on finding that girl.

A picture of you wearing a lamb’s head.  Animal heads do not turn women on unless they are into furries.  If that’s the kind of girl you are trying to get, God’s speed.

Pictures of half-naked children running around.  OK unless they are your children, then you have no business putting up scantily dressed kids on your profile.  No one likes a pedophile.

Dick pictures.  This one is an oldy but a goody.  No one wants to see your dick.  I don’t care if it’s the most beautiful dick on the planet.  Keep it to yourself.  Women only want to see dicks up close and personal.

Attention Trannys: Please Do Not Sit At The Bar With Your Legs Wide Open

Dear Men of LA:

Let me first say that I have nothing against Trannys.  I have a lot of friends that are Trannys and Crossdressers and love them all.  OK, so here we go!

If you are a Tranny hanging at a bar in a short skirt and hooker heels do not sit with your legs spread wide open playing with yourself.  First off, we all know what’s underneath that skirt and none of us want to see it.  Second, proper women (Trannys included) sit with their legs crossed.  Third, it just looks wrong.  So next time you are sitting there with your legs spread wide open hoping to get some attention make sure it’s in the bedroom of your latest conquest and not at some dive bar.  Remember open legs leave little to the imagination and men love a mysterious woman (or a Tranny)!