This one is for Scott. I like to think you are in Heaven reading some of my stupid shit and laughing your ass off.
Dear Men of LA:
There’s what the fuck and then there’s WHAT THE FUCK? Here’s some WHAT THE FUCKS you should NEVER put on your Tinder, OK Cupid, Adult Friend Finder, Our Time, Facebook, or any other profiles you have out there.
1 Things you need to know about me: My wife always shows up at my dates. She loves to drink. You are paying for us both. Sex isn’t guaranteed. If I’m interested, I’ll place my underpants on the table. Fold them in three and put them in your purse. Return them washed and then we will have sex. It’s a plus if you wear my mother’s perfume and you smell just like her.
2 You gotta put up with the gut to get the butt.
3 Don’t ask me on a date if you are poor. Sushi and a caramel frapp is my idea of a perfect date. No butt stuff on the first date.
4 I’m banking on your standards being a lot lower than mine.
5 I don’t shower. I like frolicking.
6 I’m awesome. Get to know me. No goat sacrificers.
7 I like to watch My Little Pony and shower with my dog.
8 I like to put glitter on my dick to make it bright and shiny.