There’s What The Fuck And Then There’s WHAT THE FUCK?

This one is for Scott.  I like to think you are in Heaven reading some of my stupid shit and laughing your ass off.

Dear Men of LA:

There’s what the fuck and then there’s WHAT THE FUCK? Here’s some WHAT THE FUCKS you should NEVER put on your Tinder, OK Cupid, Adult Friend Finder, Our Time, Facebook, or any other profiles you have out there.

1  Things you need to know about me:  My wife always shows up at my dates.  She loves to drink.  You are paying for us both.  Sex isn’t guaranteed.  If I’m interested, I’ll place my underpants on the table.  Fold them in three and put them in your purse.  Return them washed and then we will have sex.  It’s a plus if you wear my mother’s perfume and you smell just like her.

2  You gotta put up with the gut to get the butt.

3  Don’t ask me on a date if you are poor.  Sushi and a caramel frapp is my idea of a perfect date.  No butt stuff on the first date.

4  I’m banking on your standards being a lot lower than mine.

5  I don’t shower.  I like frolicking.

6  I’m awesome.  Get to know me.  No goat sacrificers.

7  I like to watch My Little Pony and shower with my dog.

8  I like to put glitter on my dick to make it bright and shiny.

 

35 thoughts on “There’s What The Fuck And Then There’s WHAT THE FUCK?

  1. #4 isn’t that much of a shocker, but I have to say I would not get with a guy that had glitter on his dick. I like a manly man!

    • I liked your prehistoric stripper!! Your website is really funny!! I can’t even imagine what you have to go through. Also I can’t tell you the times that I’ve had a dude send me a reply to my ad that obviously he sent to other chicks. Get off your fat ass and show some originality.

  2. When you create your profile, you should probably mention a mix of these “tips” you discovered. I would request some peanut with the glitter if I were you! As always, a very enjoyable post to read!

    • Thank you so much. You know I read some of these profiles and I seriously wonder what the fuck were these people thinking. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK??!!! I don’t mean any of this to be taken seriously, but for this post maybe some guys should read this and think to themselves, “hmmm maybe I shouldn’t tell everyone I put glitter on my dick.” ha ha ha. This was for my cousin Scott that died two years ago. He’s the funniest person I ever met. I saw that you got a drone. Man I’m so jealous!!!

  3. Where do you find these people?

    But, I must admit, like many other commenters the glitter one intrigued me. Hmmm there’s an idea… And if I was a girl I might even be into that ;P

    • I don’t find them, they find me. There are no normal people in LA. I swear I was hanging with my best friend yesterday and she’s like, “damn girl our third got pregnant and now we have to find another chick to have a threesome with.” I just covered my face with my hands. I wouldn’t even know where to find a normal guy in LA! I’d be willing to try the glitter!

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