Dear Men of LA:
If you decide you want to have sex with a girl please do not take her back to the house you share with your sugar mama. If you decide to do something so stupid, do not take her to the bedroom you share with said sugar mama, especially if it’s decorated in flowery wallpaper and looks like your grandma’s bedroom. She’s either going to think A. you’re gay, B. you have terrible taste in decorating, C. you’re a weirdo that never gets laid. In any of those situations I can tell you that you won’t be getting laid. So do yourself a favor and take her to a Motel Six or some other cheep sleazy hotel (You can go to the Mustang Hotel and rent a room for $10 a hour). You’ll have to pay a little but I guarantee you that you’ll get to play a lot. Remember nothing is for free and we all have to pay for sex one way or another.
Dear Men of LA:
Here’s a clue. You don’t need to get women drunk to have a good time. You can have fun with out getting her drunk. It’s a novel concept I’m sure, but I promise you it’s a sound one. Why do you want to get her drunk in the first place? Do you want to see her drool all over herself? Drool is very sexy! Do you want to see her falling down and acting stupid? Do you love to listen to her blabber nonsense about why her asshole boyfriend left her for the umpteenth time or why her kitty Miss Tittywinks is so beautiful? Oh I know!!! You think it’s going to be easier to have sex with her drunk than sober. You think its awesome to have sex with a passed out girl. Well let me tell you my friend that’s very close to necrophilia (having sex with a corpse) and if you are going that route it’s no wonder you can’t get laid!! So let’s try having some fun with a girl without the booze. There’s tons of activities out there (sex included) that don’t require alcohol. Unless you really do like fucking dead girls and you have to use a drunk ass girl instead to simulate the experience.
PS To the dick that said I was more fun drunk than sober and when was I going to start drinking again there’s no way on this planet I’d give you the time of day much less go out with you.
This one is for Scott. I like to think you are in Heaven reading some of my stupid shit and laughing your ass off.
Dear Men of LA:
There’s what the fuck and then there’s WHAT THE FUCK? Here’s some WHAT THE FUCKS you should NEVER put on your Tinder, OK Cupid, Adult Friend Finder, Our Time, Facebook, or any other profiles you have out there.
1 Things you need to know about me: My wife always shows up at my dates. She loves to drink. You are paying for us both. Sex isn’t guaranteed. If I’m interested, I’ll place my underpants on the table. Fold them in three and put them in your purse. Return them washed and then we will have sex. It’s a plus if you wear my mother’s perfume and you smell just like her.
2 You gotta put up with the gut to get the butt.
3 Don’t ask me on a date if you are poor. Sushi and a caramel frapp is my idea of a perfect date. No butt stuff on the first date.
4 I’m banking on your standards being a lot lower than mine.
5 I don’t shower. I like frolicking.
6 I’m awesome. Get to know me. No goat sacrificers.
7 I like to watch My Little Pony and shower with my dog.
8 I like to put glitter on my dick to make it bright and shiny.