Dear Men of LA:
There are tons of places to pick up women in LA. I know you guys know all of the good places, but here are a few places that you shouldn’t even bother trying or more than likely you’ll get your dick cut off, your feelings hurt, or all of the above.
1 The Grocery Store. I was at the grocery store today and I actually saw a guy go up to a girl and say, “You are one fine ass piece of meat. Would you like to go to my car for a quickie?” Seriously!!! Let me break it down for you. Girls go to the grocery store to buy food or tampons. They do not go to the grocery store to get sexually harassed. Women go to the grocery store in their sweats and flip flops with hair looking like a rats nest and no makeup. They don’t go down there looking like Kim Kardashian going to the club. Looking for dick is the last thing on our mind. Go scrounging around elsewhere.
2 The Park. Well any park, but especially McArthur Park. Ok the park is usually where moms take their kids to play. Now I know this may seem like a really good place to pick up young single desperate moms but it really isn’t. Moms go to the park to take their kids to play and gossip with other ladies. They aren’t there looking for penises to take home. Also if you look shady (which I guarantee you that you do) they will think you are a child molester and call the cops on you. And for the love of God, do not go to McArthur Park. All you are going to get at McArthur Park is either trannys hitting on you, drug dealers asking you do you want to buy drugs, or hookers hitting you up for cash.
3 Church. I’ve always heard church is a great place to meet the opposite sex, but I’ve never thought it’s a good idea. Women (or men) are trying to get closer to God, not closer to you. Move along!
4 The DMV. Here’s another one I’ve always heard is a great pick up place, but I have to disagree. Everyone is a foul mood at the DMV. No one wants to be there. Does anyone want to spend their day getting their tags renewed or get their license renewed? Hell no!!! And no one ever looks their best at the DMV. Even if they are there to get their picture taken for their license. And if you are silly enough to try to pick up a chick there what are you going to do, go over and say, “hey baby, wow that’s a great picture on your license!! Are you a model or something?” No one’s DL picture is ever good. You’re more than likely to get a kick in the balls than a phone number.
5 Craigslist. Let’s face it! Craigslist is a freak show. Only go to Craigslist to pick up chicks if you want to end up on the late night news with a ball gag in your mouth and your dick floating in a puddle of your own blood. Your more likely finding a unicorn walking down Hollywood Blvd, than to find a sane beautiful woman on Craigslist.
6 Planned Parenthood. A good friend of mine told me that Planned Parenthood is a great place to pick up chicks. I just don’t see it. Come on, a girl is there to get a pap smear, an HIV test (or other sex disease test), an abortion, or any other array of non sexy procedures. Do you really think a girl wants to hear, “Hey baby, you are looking awfully sexy today. My place or yours?” after she’s had a cold metal instrument shoved up her vagina (pap smear)? Hell no!! Also I’m sure a girl is going to want to jump all over you after the planned parent hood nurse just gave her a lecture on STD’s. She’s definitely going to be in a sexy mood after that.