“Remember Me?” Will End Up In Tears, A Bitch Slap, Or A Kick To The Balls!!!

Dear Men of LA:

Here is an annoying habit that you guys have seemed to pick up lately.  After one or two dates or a one night stand, you don’t call the girl again and then maybe a year or two later you call her up and say, “remember me?”  And the stupidest thing is you expect the poor girl to remember.  Or you buy a girl a drink and talk to her for maybe 10 minutes and then a a year or two later you run into her and say, “Hey remember me?  I’m the guy that bought you that drink in a bar a year ago.”   What the fuck?  Seriously?  Let me break it down for you.  The only way a girl is going to remember your dumb ass is the following:

  1.  You were so great at sex that you gave her the orgasm of your life.
  2. After sex you left the toilet set up and her cat, Miss Tittywinks accidentally drowned.  (In that case I wouldn’t try to approach her.  I’d haul ass in the other direction)
  3. You bought her the best drink of her life and then you slipped a hundred dollar bill in her bra.
  4. You made a complete ass out of yourself and threw up all over her when you were drunk.   (Again, turn around and haul ass.  She’s not going to want to see you anyway.  The smell of puke stays with a girl forever!!)

So just walk away dude.  There are plenty of other girls at the bar. She’s not going to remember you and if she does it’s not going to end well.  It’s going to end up in tears, screaming, a bitch slap, or a kick to the balls.  More than likely, all of the above.

Don’t Facebook Stalk!! It Never Leads Anywhere Good!

Dear Men of LA:

I was sitting with a guy friend last night listening to him whine about a girl who he was crazy about and thought of some wisdom he should definitely hear.  I told him and now I’m telling you because I know there is some guy out there making a complete fool out of himself.

1.  Quit acting like a girl!!  Do not ever sit by the phone waiting for her to call.  Get out of the house.  Go for a run!  Go for a beer!  Go watch some porn.  Do anything but wait by the phone and bitch and moan like a damn pussy girl.

2. Which brings me to point number 2.  If she hasn’t called or texted you in a few days don’t continue to text or call her.  Wait for her to make the next move.  I don’t care if you have to hide your phone in the toilet, don’t text or call her.   And don’t listen to the lie “well if I don’t call or text her she’s going to think that I don’t like her anymore.”  Women tell themselves that all the time and it’s not any truer for them as it is for dudes.  Don’t believe the lie.

3.  Don’t Facebook stalk!  It never leads anywhere good.  OK stalking in any way shape or form is just creepy.  Stalking on Facebook is no exception.  Don’t do it because I guarantee you that your’re going to find out something you don’t like.  And here’s a clue.  If you find your girl has a profile picture of her and a dude and that same dude has a profile picture of him and her that means they are in a relationship or at the least having sex.  No they are not brother and sister.  No they are not best buds!!  They are screwing!!!  Get over it and move on.

4.  Which brings me to point number 4.  If you do decide to Facebook stalk do not tell the girl about it.  Do not say, “Hey I saw you with this dude on your Facebook page.  Who is he?  Is he your boyfriend?”  Dude, all that’s going to get you is she thinking that you are some kind of weird stalker.  SHE WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!  If you’ve already seen it, forget you saw it and don’t say anything.

5.  If you know she’s lying to you move along.  Do you really want to be with some chick that lies to you and treats you like crap.  Remember you are a great guy.  (Well at least I hope you are.  Shoot for all I know you are a serial killer that keeps women chained in their crawl space and eats their body parts).  You deserve to be treated like a king.

Places Not To Pick Up Chicks Unless You Want Your Dick Cut Off!!

Dear Men of LA:

There are tons of places to pick up women in LA.  I know you guys know all of the good places, but here are a few places that you shouldn’t even bother trying or more than likely you’ll get your dick cut off, your feelings hurt, or all of the above.

1  The Grocery Store.  I was at the grocery store today and I actually saw a guy go up to a girl and say, “You are one fine ass piece of meat.  Would you like to go to my car for a quickie?”  Seriously!!!  Let me break it down for you.  Girls go to the grocery store to buy food or tampons.  They do not go to the grocery store to get sexually harassed.  Women go to the grocery store in their sweats and flip flops with hair looking like a rats nest and no makeup.  They don’t go down there looking like Kim Kardashian going to the club.  Looking for dick is the last thing on our mind.  Go scrounging around elsewhere.

2  The Park.  Well any park, but especially McArthur Park.  Ok the park is usually where moms take their kids to play.  Now I know this may seem like a really good place to pick up young single desperate moms but it really isn’t.  Moms go to the park to take their kids to play and gossip with other ladies.  They aren’t there looking for penises to take home.  Also if you look shady (which I guarantee you that you do) they will think you are a child molester and call the cops on you.  And for the love of God, do not go to McArthur Park.  All you are going to get at McArthur Park is either trannys hitting on you, drug dealers asking you do you want to buy drugs, or hookers hitting you up for cash.

3  Church.   I’ve always heard church is a great place to meet the opposite sex, but I’ve never thought it’s a good idea.  Women (or men) are trying to get closer to God, not closer to you.  Move along!

4  The DMV.   Here’s another one I’ve always heard is a great pick up place, but I have to disagree.  Everyone is a foul mood at the DMV.  No one wants to be there.  Does anyone want to spend their day getting their tags renewed or get their license renewed?  Hell no!!!  And no one ever looks their best at the DMV.  Even if they are there to get their picture taken for their license.  And if you are silly enough to try to pick up a chick there what are you going to do, go over and say, “hey baby, wow that’s a great picture on your license!!  Are you a model or something?”  No one’s DL picture is ever good.  You’re more than likely to get a kick in the balls than a phone number.

5  Craigslist.   Let’s face it!  Craigslist is a freak show.  Only go to Craigslist to pick up chicks if you want to end up on the late night news with a ball gag in your mouth and your dick floating in a puddle of your own blood.  Your more likely finding a unicorn walking down Hollywood Blvd, than to find a sane beautiful woman on Craigslist.

6  Planned Parenthood.  A good friend of mine told me that Planned Parenthood is a great place to pick up chicks.  I just don’t see it.  Come on, a girl is there to get a pap smear, an HIV test (or other sex disease test), an abortion, or any other array of non sexy procedures.  Do you really think a girl wants to hear, “Hey baby, you are looking awfully sexy today.  My place or yours?” after she’s had a cold metal instrument shoved up her vagina (pap smear)?  Hell no!!  Also I’m sure a girl is going to want to jump all over you after the planned parent hood nurse just gave her a lecture on STD’s.  She’s definitely going to be in a sexy mood after that.

A Date Is An Interview To Have Sex

Dear Men of LA:

I was watching The Affair the other day (which by the way that show rocks.  Joshua Jackson is amazing and he’s number 2 on I’d give my right arm to ……. list.  Charlie Hunnam is number 1 by the way!!  Ok… I digress) and someone said, “a date is an interview to have sex.”    Damn truer words were never spoken.  So if you are out on a date with a girl and you want to ace that interview and actually get laid (because that’s the point of dating right?) here’s a few pointers that just might get you there:

1  Open the door for a girl, whether be the car door, restaurant door, etc.  You don’t know how much this impresses a girl.  It’s old fashioned yes, but timeless too.

2.  Give her compliments.  I don’t care if her hair isn’t looking the best, her dress is hideous, or she has some crap stuck in her teeth, figure out some kind of compliment.  Women love getting compliments!!  Be creative!  Make something up!!

3  If it’s the first date, always pay, especially if you ask her out!!  Now I know in this day of equality for men and women that women should pay on dates and I totally agree.  I’ve paid a ton of times.  But damn dude, pay on the first date.  Quit spending so much money on porn, comics, and pizza and use a little to take that girl out to eat or for coffee or something.  It means more than you think it does and I guarantee you it’ll pave the road to you getting laid.

4  Hold out the chair for her at the restaurant.  Again it means more than you think.  And make sure you hold it out for her in a way that she can actually sit down and not fall on her ass on the floor.  No one likes to see a girl flat on her ass, legs in the air, gasping for breath.  Or maybe they do, but that’s only in pornos.

5  When you are walking down the street always walk on the outside of the street and she walks on the inside.  You never know what kind of weirdos are out there running around looking for chicks to knock over.   And damn dude, you are never going to get laid if your date is lying on the ground in a big pool of blood.

6  If you do make it to her place after dinner comment on her home.  Her lovely art work (even if it’s butt ass ugly), her cat, Miss Tittywinks (even if it’s an evil fur ball that you know will kill you in your sleep if you sleep over) and her choice of furniture (again, even if it’s butt ass ugly).