Dear Men of LA:
Please make sure your dick is clean before having sex with your girl. Most importantly, make sure there are no stray hairs from the skank you just had sex with before your girl goes down on you. I guarantee you, that if your girl finds stray hairs on your dick that are not her hair color there will be a massive shit storm of epic proportions. There will be blood, tears, screaming, crying, and most likely one person will be going to the emergency room and one will be going to jail. Remember, a clean dick is a happy dick.
PS This actually happened to a guy friend of mine a couple of years ago. I thought it was hilarious. I don’t think his girlfriend thought it was too funny. I asked him, “why didn’t you just clean your dick after?” It seemed pretty much like common sense to me. I guess not so much with him. ha ha
Dear Men of LA:
You got your dream girl in bed!!! Wow! Now you think all of your hard work is done and it’s smooth sailing from hear on out. Think again. The hard work is just beginning. So here are a few clues that may help you in your quest to not piss your girl off while you guys are in bed.
1 Do not cum in her hair. Do you know how hard that shit is to get out of your hair? Once it dries it’s stuck there like super glue. If you are going to pull it out aim for the sheets or anywhere else but toward her head. That brings me to point number 2.
2 I don’t know why men think cumming on a girl’s face is sexy, but here is a clue. Women hate it. First off, if you cum on her face and it gets in her eyes it stings like a bitch. Seriously!! And it stings forever. I don’t know what’s in your cum, but it’s nothing good. Secondly, cum ruins a girl’s makeup. Do you know how hard it was to get our makeup just right for you and then you go and ruin it with your cum? Ugh!!!
3. Sometimes a girl is not ready to go as soon as she hits the sheets. Help her out a little. And I do not mean go digging for clit gold as soon you get your hand down there. Lube or just plain spit is a guy’s best friend. Be sure to put some on your finger before your start rubbing down there. Sometimes women are as dry as the Sahara desert and a little lubrication goes a long way.
4. Women may like a little nibbling but they don’t like you chomping down like you just bit into a juicy steak while making out. And for God’s sake don’t bite like a rabid dog on her face, neck, boobs, or any other part of her body. That shit hurts dude. Don’t leave marks. Nobody likes to wake up the next morning looking like a rape victim.
5. Don’t spit into her mouth. It’s not sexy. Your spit tastes like shit. Keep it to yourself.
Dear Men of LA:
Taking a slobber bath is not sexy. Have spit go up your nose while kissing is down right gross. Looking over at the person you’ve been kissing for the last half hour and seeing drool all over their face is definitely not a turn on. Finally spitting in a person’s mouth and expecting them to say, “Yum, Yum, ooh your spit tastes good” is about as likely as seeing Charlie Hunnam walking down the street naked. (Yeah don’t I wish!) Your spit does not taste minty fresh, it tastes gross. So next time your are making out with your girl let’s keep the spit to a minimum. Let’s try to keep it in our mouth where it belongs. Because I guarantee you the last thing a girl wants is to be washing spit off her face while she’s doing the walk of shame.
Dear Men of LA:
I watched the horror movie, “Knock Knock” this weekend and discovered some informative lessons I thought I’d share with you guys. You never know, they may come in handy.
1 If two hot wet naked women show up at your door in the middle of the night tell them to go to your neighbor’s house. Better yet, do not even answer the door. What are you thinking? That you were an especially good boy so you got a treat? That by some miracle, the heavens sent you these two hot babes to do your every nasty thing you ever thought of? Wake up! You’ve been watching too much porn. There’s always a catch at the end my friend. Nothing comes for free.
2 If you do decide to let them in, immediately call a cab, uber, the cops or what not. Do not let them stay in your house because you know nothing good is going to come from it.
3 I don’t care how wet they are, do not let them take their clothes off. Do not let them show any form of skin. While you are drying off their clothes. put them in a towel. Do not let them wear your wife’s clothes. Again this is not some porno you just watched. You don’t get a happy ending.
4. Lastly, do not in anyway touch or feel the girls. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THEM!! It does not end well. It only ends with them destroying your house, making a sex tape, posting it on facebook for all of your friends and WIFE to see, and then burying you in the back yard.
So in short the next time two hot wet girls show up in the middle of the night at your house asking for help keep your dick in your pants and keep the door locked. Remember nothing comes for free. Not even sex.