You Didn’t Feel That Heavy When You Were On Top Of Me Last Night

Dear Men of LA:

Women like supportive men.  They like to know someone is there for them and they like to hear it’s going to be ok when you know there’s no way in hell that it’s going to be.  Here’s some examples of situations and what to say and what not to say:

Your girl just put on a little weight.  Ok let’s go ahead and admit it.  She went up three dress sizes.  What you do say:  “Sweetie I can’t even tell you gained any weight.  I think you look amazing just the way you are.  Do not say:  “Damn girl, didn’t that shirt fit you last week?”  Or   “It all looks the same from behind.”  Or  “You didn’t feel that heavy when you were on top of me last night.”

Your girl just got a new hair cut.  What you do say, “Wow, you look great baby!” or “I love that new look on you.”   Don’t say, “Why did you have to get your hair cut?”  Or  “Did your hairdresser screw up?”

Your girl has just told you she became alcohol or drug free.   What you do say, “Wow I’m so proud of you.  That’s great!”  Don’t say, “Why did you do that?  You’re so much more fun the other way!”

Your girl is wearing an ugly ass new dress.  What you do say, “Wow what an amazing dress.  You look beautiful!”  Don’t say, “That is the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen.  Where did you get it from, the 99 cent store?”

Your girl’s perfume smells like ass.   What you do say, “Hey babe, your perfume is making me sneeze.  Can you try something else?   I have a sensitive nose.”  Do not say, “Your perfume smells like ass.  I can’t be seen with you in public smelling like that.”

Your girl’s cat, Miss Tiddywinkles, just died.  What you do say, “I’m so sorry babe.  I loved that cat too!!!  He’s in a better place now.”   Don’t say, “I’m glad that fleebag died.  He was an evil pain in my ass fur ball!”

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