Hate Fun! Hate Sex!

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick a woman up on Tinder please make sure your add doesn’t sound stupid.  For example,  don’t have your add say, “Hate fun, hate sex!”  Really?  Hate fun, hate sex?  Well then what do you like?  Slaughtering babies?  Eating kittens?  Watching beheadings?  Well now, if you put that on your Tinder profile I’m sure every girl out there will jump on that!!

PS:  A guy sent me a like yesterday on Tinder and he really had this on his page.  Good grief!!


Dick Out, Ready For Good Times

Dear Men of LA:

When you see a girl in a bar for the love of God do not go up to her and say, “Dick out, ready for good times” and then point down below where your dick is actually hanging out.  What do you think is going to happen, we are actually going to pull it out and go to pound town with you?  Or we are going to give you a blow job right in the middle of the bar?  Hell ass no!!!!  Let’s keep it classy guys.  At least take her to the bathroom (or somewhere else private) and show her your dick in there.

You Didn’t Feel That Heavy When You Were On Top Of Me Last Night

Dear Men of LA:

Women like supportive men.  They like to know someone is there for them and they like to hear it’s going to be ok when you know there’s no way in hell that it’s going to be.  Here’s some examples of situations and what to say and what not to say:

Your girl just put on a little weight.  Ok let’s go ahead and admit it.  She went up three dress sizes.  What you do say:  “Sweetie I can’t even tell you gained any weight.  I think you look amazing just the way you are.  Do not say:  “Damn girl, didn’t that shirt fit you last week?”  Or   “It all looks the same from behind.”  Or  “You didn’t feel that heavy when you were on top of me last night.”

Your girl just got a new hair cut.  What you do say, “Wow, you look great baby!” or “I love that new look on you.”   Don’t say, “Why did you have to get your hair cut?”  Or  “Did your hairdresser screw up?”

Your girl has just told you she became alcohol or drug free.   What you do say, “Wow I’m so proud of you.  That’s great!”  Don’t say, “Why did you do that?  You’re so much more fun the other way!”

Your girl is wearing an ugly ass new dress.  What you do say, “Wow what an amazing dress.  You look beautiful!”  Don’t say, “That is the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen.  Where did you get it from, the 99 cent store?”

Your girl’s perfume smells like ass.   What you do say, “Hey babe, your perfume is making me sneeze.  Can you try something else?   I have a sensitive nose.”  Do not say, “Your perfume smells like ass.  I can’t be seen with you in public smelling like that.”

Your girl’s cat, Miss Tiddywinkles, just died.  What you do say, “I’m so sorry babe.  I loved that cat too!!!  He’s in a better place now.”   Don’t say, “I’m glad that fleebag died.  He was an evil pain in my ass fur ball!”