I’m not trying to put you out or anything but if you would give my friend a hand job I’d sure appreciate it.

Alright kids, sorry I’ve been away for a few weeks but I’m back with a few pearls of wisdom for you.

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to pick up a woman in a bar for the love of God and all that is holy please do not say to the following to her:

“I’m not trying to put you out or anything but if you would give my friend a hand job I’d sure appreciate it.”  Yeah like that’s not going to put me out at all.  I’d be happy to put my hand on your friend’s dick.

“Whose dick are you sucking tonight?”  Well it sure as hell isn’t yours.

“Hey I’m too drunk to walk back to my hotel!  Can you walk me back and tuck me in?”   What do I look like, your nanny?

“I have five wives would you like to be number six?”  Hell no!!

 

Your Dick Is Not A Jackhammer!

Dear Men of LA:

What is it with young dudes and sex?  As men get older they seem to get way better at sex but jeez when they are young they suck.  I know practice makes perfect but isn’t there any natural talent out there?  So I’m here to provide a helping hand to those young guys who are just starting out in the sex department.  Here are a few tips on what not to do:

1.  You are not a St Bernard dog.  Do not slobber all over our faces.  Jeez can you not keep the spit in your mouth?  It doesn’t seem that hard.  I already washed my face once this morning, I don’t know a slobber bath.

2.  Your dick is not a jackhammer.  We don’t want to come out of sex all black and blue looking like we just came out of a car accident.  Don’t treat your dick like a drill and try to drill our pussy to death.  You are not looking for lost oil.  It’s a vagina.  It’s soft and extremely sensitive.  Don’t beat it to death.  Don’t use your dick like a jackhammer.  Think of it this way.  What if we treated your dick like a sausage when we went down on you and bit the shit of you all the time.  (well I know some women do that and I’m sorry)  You wouldn’t like it if we tried to chomp on your dick all the time.  Follow the golden rule!

3.  If you don’t know where a clit is buy a clit map and learn.  Or watch a bunch of porno.  No girl likes you digging around down there.  Figure it out before hand.  And if you have to dig around down there try to be gentle.  How would you like it if a girl took a knife and started digging around your nether region looking for your penis?