The Road To Getting Laid Is Filled With Good Intentions And White Lies

Dear Men of LA:

Women spend a lot of time and money trying to look good for you guys.  We don’t get out of bed every day looking like a sexed up barbie doll.  So compliment your girl.  But watch what you say!!  Women have Batman like radar and the littlest thing can be taken as criticism.  Sometimes you mean us to take it that way, sometimes you don’t.  But here are a few sentences to be mindful of.

1.  Did you cut your hair?  In woman speak that means, “Oh god you cut your hair!  You look like an ugly man now!  Go get some extensions!”  Instead say, “Wow I love your hair.  It makes you look magical!”  Say it even if you don’t mean it.  It’s going to save you both a lot of tears down the road.

2.  Did you gain weight?   Now any guy with half an ounce of common sense knows never to ask this question.   Women are more sensitive about their weight than a man is sensitive about the size of his dick.  This is one of those instances that you have to keep it to yourself.  And if you must say something (and are too stupid to keep your mouth shut) say something like, “Wow that dress looks amazing on you.  It really makes you look thinner.”  Or “Honey, I don’t see any weight gain at all.”  Or “It all looks good from behind!”

3.  What made you decide to buy that dress?  We all know that’s code for, “Man that dress is butt ugly.”  Sometimes we are just as sensitive about our clothes as our weight.  We’re trying to look good for you remember?  Try to say something positive.  Don’t say, “Wow that dress is interesting.”  That’s still code for, “Man that dress is butt ugly.”  Instead say, “Wow that dress is beautiful!”  Lie your ass off.  Remember the road to getting her in the sack is filled with good intentions and little white lies.

4.  Your perfume is a little strong.   Women know that’s code for, “You stink like hell.”  Suck it up.  Hold your breath if you have to.  Roll the window down.  Also you can try, “Your perfume is great but I’m allergic to perfumes.  Can you please not wear any the next time?”

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