Women Are Smarter Than You Think

Dear Men of LA:

Women are a lot smarter than you think they are.  We’re on to your code words and little white lies.  Here’s a list of regular code words or phrases that you use that we know what you really mean.

I’m an independent contractor, I don’t have a regular job, I’m independently wealthy etc.  Women around the world know it’s code for I don’t have a job.  Find a more creative way to say it so we’re not on to you.

I’m a writer or an actor.  Women also know that’s code for I’m unemployed.

I don’t have a girl friend but I’m seeing someone.  OK own up to it.  You have a girlfriend.  At least she thinks she’s your girlfriend.  We all know you are trying to hedge your bets.  Stick with your girlfriend.

I’m between places right now.  We all know that’s code for I’m living with my parents.

You can’t come over right now because my place is a wreck.  What guy’s place isn’t always a wreck?  That’s code for I live with like 10 roommates or I live with my parents.

I can’t friend you on facebook because I have too many stalkers.  That’s code for I have a girlfriend and I don’t want you to know I have one.

Hey I left my wallet at home but I’ll be glad to buy the drinks the next time we go out.  That’s code for you are dead broke.  We know it.  Now know this.  There will be no next date.  Or…

My atm card doesn’t work at this ATM machine.  Can I get you the next time?  Same as above.




Accept Your Girl Just As She Is

Dear Men of LA:

Accept your girl just as she is.  Don’t go trying to change her.  She’s great just like she is.  She’s going out with you isn’t she?  If you wanted a barbie doll with gigantic size boobs and an IQ of 50 you should have picked her instead.  If you wanted a porn star who could fit three dicks in her mouth (because we all know that’s sexy) you should have picked her.  No one is perfect.  We all screw up.  We may not dress perfectly all the time, we might fart, we may say the wrong thing, but deep inside we are all a great person.  So be lucky you have that girl.  You aren’t sitting home alone, jacking off, watching some crap porn.  You have a great person lying next to you.  Be thankful.

The Road To Getting Laid Is Filled With Good Intentions And White Lies

Dear Men of LA:

Women spend a lot of time and money trying to look good for you guys.  We don’t get out of bed every day looking like a sexed up barbie doll.  So compliment your girl.  But watch what you say!!  Women have Batman like radar and the littlest thing can be taken as criticism.  Sometimes you mean us to take it that way, sometimes you don’t.  But here are a few sentences to be mindful of.

1.  Did you cut your hair?  In woman speak that means, “Oh god you cut your hair!  You look like an ugly man now!  Go get some extensions!”  Instead say, “Wow I love your hair.  It makes you look magical!”  Say it even if you don’t mean it.  It’s going to save you both a lot of tears down the road.

2.  Did you gain weight?   Now any guy with half an ounce of common sense knows never to ask this question.   Women are more sensitive about their weight than a man is sensitive about the size of his dick.  This is one of those instances that you have to keep it to yourself.  And if you must say something (and are too stupid to keep your mouth shut) say something like, “Wow that dress looks amazing on you.  It really makes you look thinner.”  Or “Honey, I don’t see any weight gain at all.”  Or “It all looks good from behind!”

3.  What made you decide to buy that dress?  We all know that’s code for, “Man that dress is butt ugly.”  Sometimes we are just as sensitive about our clothes as our weight.  We’re trying to look good for you remember?  Try to say something positive.  Don’t say, “Wow that dress is interesting.”  That’s still code for, “Man that dress is butt ugly.”  Instead say, “Wow that dress is beautiful!”  Lie your ass off.  Remember the road to getting her in the sack is filled with good intentions and little white lies.

4.  Your perfume is a little strong.   Women know that’s code for, “You stink like hell.”  Suck it up.  Hold your breath if you have to.  Roll the window down.  Also you can try, “Your perfume is great but I’m allergic to perfumes.  Can you please not wear any the next time?”

Don’t Bring It Up!

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t bring old shit up.  Even if you think we haven’t let it go and need to talk about it don’t bring it up.  Let sleeping dogs lie.  There’s a really good chance we’ve forgotten all about it and bringing it up all over again is going to land your ass in the dog house with no sex for at least a week.  Here’s examples of shit you just need to let go:

You used her favorite bra to clean up the beer you spilled all over the couch and ruined it.  Don’t bring it up again.  Instead go down to the hooker stores on Hollywood Blvd and buy her a sexy hooker bra.

You left a big fat floaty in her toilet which caused her toilet to get stopped up.   Don’t bring it up again.  Instead quit eating the crap that makes you have those big shits.  Also invest in some stool softener.

You left the back door open and her cat, Miss Tiddlywinkles got out and a coyote ate it.  Don’t bring it up again.  We all know you hated that cat and are glad to see it gone.  She’s probably still heart broken about it.  So why not get her a stuffed cat that looks like Miss Tiddlywinkles.  She can cuddle with it at night instead of you.  Or lie!!!  Go to the pound and get a cat that looks exactly like Miss Tiddlywinkles and give it to her.  She probably won’t know the difference.

You left the toilet seat up and left pee all over the rim and on the floor.   Don’t bring it up again.  Instead, learn better aim.  You’ve been peeing for years, don’t you know how to get it in the toilet by now?  Also put the seat down.  It’s not that hard.

You borrowed her computer and left all of your nasty porn sites up.  Don’t bring it up again.  I guarantee you that your girl does not want to watch a three way with two girls and a monkey.  Even though you do.  So just like the old days when they used to say be kind, rewind.  Well we say, be great, erase!!!  Erase your browsers!  You’ll be getting actual sex and instead of watching it.



I Wanta Have Sex With You But I Respecta You Too Much

Dear Men of LA:

If you are trying to pick up a girl in the bar here are three examples of what NOT to do:

Situation 1

“I wanta (yes wanta) have sex with you.”

“No thank you.”

“Ok I respecta (yes respecta) you.  I leave you alone.”

Then go back 5 minutes later and say “I still wanta have sex with you.”

Here’s a clue.  She did not magically change her mind in the last five minutes. She did not find Jesus and decide you were the best thing on the planet.  Move along and find your next victim!!

Situation 2

“Hey girl how’s it going?”

“Good and you.”

“Great!  Listen I’ve got a full bar back in my room I put together myself.  Would you like to get a drink there with me if you know what I mean?”  And then hit the girl on the arm and wink at her!

Really?  What do you mean?  Do you mean would we like to get a drink with you or do you mean would we like to go to your room and possibly get roofied by you which surely leads to sex?  Do you think we would like to go to your room even though you are a complete stranger who we just met a minute ago?  Do you think we would like to drink your $3 vodka you got from Mexican Costco vs our top shelf Tequila we just paid $15 for?  Lastly don’t hit a girl on the arm and then wink at her.  You are not in the fifth grade nor is it the 70’s and you are staring in a trashy porno.

Situation 3

If you are just meeting a girl don’t clap your hands in her face.  You are going to scare the shit out of her.  Save the clapping when she actually decides to have sex with you.


For you Arturo!  You and Vania are my heroes!