Clean Your House Before Having Sex

Dear Men of LA:

If you invite a woman over to your house (especially if it’s for the first time) (double especially if it’s to have sex which we all know that’s what you invited her over for) then please make sure your house doesn’t look like a frat house that hasn’t been cleaned since the dawn of time.  Here’s a few things you might want to do:

Clean The Bathroom:  Make sure all of your big ass turds are flushed (no one likes a floaty).  Make sure you spray some air freshner around.  Industrial strength if you can get it from the 99 cents store.  And scrub that bathtub.  Believe it or not girls look at your bathtub.  They are not going to want to do the nasty with you if your bathtub looks like a crime scene.

Clean The Kitchen.  What if your girl gets up in the middle of the night and wanders into your kitchen for a class of water.  Do you really want her to see a sink full of dishes covered in cock roaches?  That will send her screaming out the door and I guarantee you that you will never get laid again.  Also use some of that industrial strength air freshner in there.

Clean The Living Room.  Pick up all of those half read comics.   Make sure all of the porno magazines are put away.   You have a live woman in your house.  You don’t need them.  Also make sure there are no stains on the couch.  You know what kind of stains I’m talking about.   The kind that comes from your hand and………..

Clean Your Bedroom:  Throw all of those dirty socks underneath your bed.  Put clean sheets on the bed.  If you don’t have any go get some.  Putting a clean towel on the bed for her to lay on does not count as clean sheets.  Neither do paper towels.

I Miss My Pubic Hairs Being Ripped Out!!!

My 100th blog!!  Yay!  Let the games begin.

Dear Men of LA:

I know it’s hard to go up to a girl and have something original to say.  You just don’t want to go up to her and say, “hi how are you this evening?”  (Here’s a secret, that’s the best pickup line of all!!)  So if you want a guide to what NOT to say when you meet that special girl look down below.  It might just save you from making a complete jackass out of yourself and you may not be sleeping alone tonight!!

(Note:  I swear I heard everyone one of these last week!)

I miss my pubic hairs being ripped out, please bitch slap me so I can feel the pain.

I will give you lots of ecstasy and not the drug kind.

I need to bite your nose and lick your eye balls.

I would love to show you how a real man makes love.

Let me make you feel like a natural woman.

When and Where To Break Up With A Girl (And Not End Up Being Someone’s Babe In Jail)

Dear Men of LA:

I’m proud to introduce our new guest writer Wry.  Give him a warm welcome everyone.  If you would like to learn more about Wry check out his youtube channel here: or his bio on my About page.   Here we go guys and girls!


Don’t break up with people on weekdays. They have to work the next day. Fridays and Saturdays are best, unless they have an odd work schedule. Do your best to wait until they have a day off the next day. Give them time to recover.

Several people have reached out to me recently regarding advice on this next front… I prefer the phone and I suggest everyone use the phone. If your mind is made up, call them and tell them. Limit it to 1 hour. Everything that needs to be said immediately can be said in an hour over the phone. Beyond that is a waste until at least a day has passed.

In person is too damn messy for everyone. What’s the point? So you can watch your ex cry? Or get sucked back in with an emotional roller coaster of breakup sex? You can be there for them without having to look in each other’s eyes. You don’t need to be hugging and kissing your ex while dumping them.

After the call, they might want to invite a friend or other lover for comfort. You are the worst source for that comfort! You’re the one that hurt them. Let someone else console them. It’s not your job anymore. Let them process it all and wallow in their own misery for the night.

After they’ve survived the initial shock, now you can comfort. Now you can seek some closure together, if you feel like it. The same night? It’s a hassle and hurtful for all parties involved.

If you live together, you’re both emotionally fucked anyway. Consider setting up some other place to sleep for the night to give them space. Sleeping next to each other and attempting to cuddle the same night of the break up is a recipe for disaster. Avoiding the cuddling with a wall of pillows is quite dramatic and symbolic.

The very worst time to plan your breakup is over dinner. That’s the fucking worst! In public, surrounded by people, hungry, trying to eat, paying for food, having a goddamn awful time, unable to cry, unable to just let the emotion pour out in peace. It’s not fair. Shit happens, but don’t plan it that way. Even if you wait until the end of the meal, now you’ve got a full stomach so you can puke! There’s no logic in this planned dinner breakup thing. It’s very selfish.

P.S. If they are going on a trip, whether it be for business or pleasure, please dump them before they leave. Not after. You do not want to be in these deceptive and evasive conversations:
“Miss you, honey, can’t wait to see you when I get back!”
“Yeah… can’t wait…”

And even worse:
“Welcome home! You’ve been dumped.”

P.S.  Fuck text breakups. It’s weak and rude.
Single Girl:

I agree, don’t break up with girls on weekdays.  It’s downright cruel.  If you break up with a girl on a weekday she’ll be up all night crying and torturing herself with wondering what she did wrong (Come on girls, you all know you’ve driven yourself crazy doing just that.).  Then she’ll have to go to work the next day looking like a cross between a domestic violence victim and a zombie.  Her eyes will be red, her skin will be blotchy, and no amount of concealer will hide the circles around her eyes.  Am I not right?  We’ve all been there.  So break up with her on the weekend, especially on a Friday night.  Then she can have all weekend long to cry, get drunk, eat ice cream, and cuss the man’s sorry ass out.

In person is too messy and way too scary for men.  Come on men, think about it.  You break up with her.  She’s probably going to be pissed as hell.  She’s going to cry, scream, and throw things at you.  There’s going to be more violence than a Quentin Tarantino movie.   Better to do it over the phone, then at least there’s no chance of blood loss.

Never break up in a public place, especially a restaurant.  Restaurants are the worst.  There will be food flying, dishes breaking, wine being thrown in a face, clothes ruined, screaming, wrestling, and God knows what else, all because you guys want to find greener pastures (a new pussy to play with).  People will be horrified!  Children will be emotionally scarred!  There will be a huge dry cleaning bill!  And more than likely you, her or both of you will end up in jail.  Jail is not a good place for a breakup!

Text break ups are the lowest form of a break up.  That’s just like sending a note in class saying, I’m breaking up with you.  Are you ok?   Check yes, no, or maybe.  If you can’t at least call the girl to break up, maybe you should check underneath your dick and see where your balls went.  And if they are missing, I’m sure you can go to the local sex shop and buy a pair.  I know you are scared of what she may do, but man up.  You can always put your phone on mute when she is screaming at you.  And if you do it in person, wear protective gear and take it like a man.

So guys, take the advice above for what’s it’s worth.  You may just save yourself a ton of heartache, money (dry cleaning bill, broken dish bill, etc) and a night in jail with a cell mate named Big Bubba that wants to make you his new bitch.