Dear Men Of LA Is Going To Have Two Writers

Dear Men of LA:

Alrighty kids, the time has come to take Dear Men of LA to the next level. I’m adding a guest writer to my blog and hoping he will be a permanent writer. This guy is an amazing writer and has way more to say on relationships and dating than I do. He probably has more insight too!  His name is Wry!  Over the past 3 years, Wry has hosted quarterly discussion groups and given lectures at the International Polyamory Conference at Berkeley, Stockroom, Pleasure Chest, DomCon, Wiznu Labs, Syrup Loft, and Emerald Terrace, including live interviews with guests, experts, and researchers.   He’s also been on Playboy- Vivid radio so you know he knows what he’s talking about.  Watch video clips here:   I’m so excited!!  So it’s still going to be me writing but with an awesome added perspective from a man!   Look for the first issue next week!

The Devil Is Having A BBQ With Your Insides

Most of the stuff I write on here is  supposed to be funny and taken with a grain of salt but since I am up with my insomnia again I wanted to say this:

Dear Men of LA:

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.  Most guys think of women as these fragile little creatures who can’t handle men’s work.  They aren’t strong enough or tough enough.  Well to all men out there:  you don’t know what tough is until you’ve gone through pre-menopause symptoms.  Yeah I’m one of those lucky (or not so lucky) women that has gotten pre menopause symptoms early in my life.  All of the women on my mom’s side went through it early.  So let me tell you what I have to endure on a daily basis and see if all of you tough guys can survive it:

1.  Insomnia

2.  Shortness of breath that makes you feel like you are being strangled by the Boston Strangler

3.  Followed by a hot flash that makes you feel like the devil is having a bbq with your insides

4.  Nausea

5  And if all of the above is not enough to drive you crazy, extreme depression that makes you act like a psychotic lunatic.  I swear I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes.

All of the above happens on a daily basis when you’re symptoms rare it’s ugly head.  Men, could you handle all of that?  Hmmmm……   So the next time you think a woman is not strong enough, think again.  She’s just as strong as you are, but in different ways.  How do I get through it?  I just take a deep breath and tell myself to hold on.  I also tell myself God doesn’t give you an impossible load unless he’s going to help you out.

devil bbq

How To Keep Sleeping Over At Your Girlfriend’s House!

Dear Men of LA:

You’ve hit the grand prize.  You are sleeping next to your girl every night.  Hell yes!  So do you want to keep sleeping next to her every night?  Of course you do!  So here’s a couple of things that girls do not like waking up to first thing in the morning.  Avoid these and you’ll be having sweet dreams next to your girl every night.

1.  Girls do not like a dick in their face when they wake up in the morning.   Dude, you might just scare her to death.  Contrary to popular belief, girls do not wake up wet and ready to go.  Give her a minute to wake up.  I’m sure you wouldn’t want to wake up with your girl smothering you with her……….

2.  Girls do not like to wake up to bad breath or bad body odor.  Run to the bathroom and put some toothpaste on your finger and brush your teeth.  Use some of her perfume and deodorant.  No one likes a smelly boyfriend, especially first thing in the morning.

3.  Girls do not like a back rub or foot rub when they are sleeping.  Leave her the hell alone.  You are like a cat, you want to be fed so you figure if you give us a little attention like a little rub then we will reciprocate.  (Damn if my two male cats do that every morning.  They are clueless!!)  Hell no we won’t.  It’s annoying.  All we want to do is sleep!

4. Girls don’t like it when you blow in their ear or start nibbling on the ear when they are asleep.  This goes hand in hand with the above.

5.  Girls don’t like it when you’ve had an accident in the middle of the night.  You know what I mean.  Farting, spillage, pee, etc.  It’s her bed not yours.  Hold it to you can get to the bathroom or closet or anywhere in the house but her bed!!!  If you have an accident, it won’t be an accident when she never invites you to sleep over again.

6.  Girls don’t like it when you hog the bed and or covers.  We need some covers too!!  You have your side.  We have ours.  Keep all of your body parts on your side!!!

Knowledge Is Power! Don’t Send Your Girl Into The Seventh Circle Of Hell!!

Dear Men of LA:

Before you offer to give a girl a back rub please know at least halfway what you are doing.  Now we all know “I’ll give you a back rub is code for “If I give you a back rub you’ll give me a blowjob or have sex with me.  Quid Pro Quo”  Now in the girl’s mind she’s cringing because she’s about to get some kind of back torture that rivals pain from the seventh circle of hell.  So before you start kneading and punching the poor girl’s back and sending her into a pain so intense that she’ll probably have to go the ER later, take a breath.  Watch a video.  Surely there must be some kind of how to videos on back rubbing, sex, oral, and other things you might need to know for that special night with your lady.  After all knowledge is power.

Keep It To Yourself

Dear Men of LA:

If you meet a girl for the first time do not hog the conversation.  Let her get a word in edgewise.  Let the conversation flow.  Also remember to keep some stuff to yourself.  Women love mystery.  They don’t want to know your whole life story within the first five minutes you’ve met them.  And for God’s sake don’t tell them the following:

“Hey, when I was 8 years old I used to shoot squirrels with my Dad’s 32 pistol.  I’m still in therapy to this day for it and cry like a baby when I see one.”

“Hey I just got out of jail for domestic violence.  I swear I really didn’t hit my wife.  It was just a love tap.”

“Hey I’m on the run from the FBI.  We can’t be seen in public because I might get caught.  But I’m sure it’ll be fine if we hang at your house.”

“Hey I don’t like food, liquids, or people.  But you seem OK to me.”

“Hey I like to dress in drag and panhandle for money.  Can I borrow any of your clothes?”

No Sex Questionnaires After Sex Please

Well I’m not dead and I’m only coughing up my lungs maybe once every hour so here we go:

Dear Men of LA:

After sex, give your girl a minute to breathe.  Don’t immediately set in with the interrogation.  You are not Mulder and she is not Scully.  No one wants to take a questionnaire after sex.   Do not ask her:

Was it good for you?  If she was quiet the whole time you have your answer.  If she was moaning the whole time you have your answer.  (Unless she was faking it.)

Did you have an orgasm?  Same from above applies

When I slapped the shit out of you and gave you a bloody lip did it feel good?  Well probably not.  Quit watching all of those crazy porn movies.

Did you like it when I bit your ear hard?  I know you said, “damn that shit hurts!” but I think you liked it.  No she probably didn’t like it.  When she said, “damn that shit hurts!” that probably means, “damn that shit hurts!”

Was it too fast for you?  Well if you lasted 10 seconds, that’s a hell yes!!!  If you lasted an hour that’s a hell no!!!

Are you ok?  If she has a smile on her face and she’s trying to cuddle with you I’d say she is ok.  If she’s running out the door screaming I’d say you’ll probably never see her again!

Will we ever have sex again?  Same from above applies.

Sick As Shit But That’s Ok! A Little Advice To Get You Laid

Dear Men of LA:

I am deathly sick so no men of Dear Men of LA.  I’m talking hacking up my lungs, spitting up blood, fever rotting my insides sick.  So I guess the good men of LA will have to do without my advice for a week.  I hope you can survive.  I will throw this out there.  If you love good music do yourself a favor and buy Other Lives new album Rituals.  It came out today.  This band is so amazing!  You won’t be sorry.  Also, if you play it around your girl she’ll be impressed as shit that you have good taste in music.  That’s bound to win some points for you towards getting laid.  If you are in LA, they are playing two shows, Wednesday and Thursday.  If music isn’t your thing but great booze is (ok, who doesn’t like good booze) get yourself down to Harvard and Stone.  The owners of Ilegal Mezcal are taking over Harvard and Stone and making it into their own Cafe No Se.  This is the greatest bar on the planet and the owner, John Rexer, will be in town to serve up his mezcal and debauchery.  John is probably the most insane, funnest guy on the planet and if you don’t have a good time here something is seriously wrong with you.  Plus this mezcal will surely get you laid.  So get off your ass and go.  See you next week guys.  If I’m not lying on my couch dead from this shit.