Porno Pick Up Moves Never Work In Real Life

Dear Men of LA:

You are at a bar.  You want to do a creative pick up move that you saw on some porno that you were watching the night before and you think, “hey it worked in that movie, surely it will work for me!!”  We all know everything that happens in porn happens in real life right???  Hell No!!! So here’s a move you should never try at a bar.  You see a hot girl sitting at the bar.  You have a cold beer in your hand.  You stealthly sneak up behind her and lift her shirt up and put the cold beer on her naked back.  Magic!!  What do you think is going to happen?  She’s going to squeal in delight, jump up, and wrap her arms around you and whisper, “hey stud, take me home with you and let’s have wild monkey sex!”  Hell No!!!  She’s going to jump up, turn around, and smack the shit out of you.  Then either her boyfriend or the girls she’s hanging with are going to jump on you like white on rice and beat the shit out of you.  Just so you know porno pick up moves never work in real life.

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