Dear Men of LA:
Let’s talk about sex. I know it’s your favorite topic. Hell, it’s most people’s favorite topic. But let’s talk about what you are doing wrong and maybe the next time you get that special girl in the sack. She’ll be moaning with pleasure and not fake moaning or worse yet, moaning with agony!!
1. Learn where a girl’s g-spot or clitoris is. I don’t care if you have to buy a clit map (It’s LA, I’m sure you can find one at a sex shop on Hollywood blvd) or watch a shit load of porn figure it out. There is nothing more annoying than a guy feeling around down there looking for lost treasure.
2. This leads me to point number 2. You are not Indiana Jones down there digging for lost treasure. You are trying to make your girl feel good. So don’t dig around there with your finger. It hurts like a mother. Imagine if we started poking around your dick with our very sharp finger nails. Get the picture.
3 Girls love oral sex and I’m not talking about us going down on you. If it’s done right you’ll have your girl purring like a kitten. But if it’s done wrong she’ll be cursing your name like you are the second coming of Satan and I doubt you’ll ever be invited back down there. Here’s a clue. Don’t bite. I don’t know why guys think biting feels great to a girl down there. It doesn’t. It’s the fourth circle of hell. So the next time you bite a girl while you are giving her oral she might just refuse the favor and bite into your dick like it’s a hot dog.
4. Your dick is not a jack hammer. It’s not an instrument used to break her back or neck. So don’t pretend it is and use it like one. Slow and steady wins the race every time.
5. Now some girls like having their head pushed down while giving you oral. Good for them. But most don’t. So don’t do it and if you think about it, ask!! It’s annoying as hell!! We know you want your dick in our mouths. We’re trying to get in as much as possible and you pushing it in is not going to help us. Do you like having a sausage stuffed in your mouth? On second thought don’t answer that.
6. Anal Sex: Always ask first. Some girls don’t like foreign objects up their ass. Some do! Again ask first. To each his own. Also do not ask unless you are willing to have something up your ass as well.