Dear Men of LA:
We all know you guys love sex. Hell girls love sex too. But there are certain times girls do not want to have sex. Just move along, go watch some porn, and have fun with your hand. Here are some times you should just take no for an answer.
1. If you call a girl up and she says, “I’m not really in the mood tonight. You see, I’m running a 102 temperature and I just coughed up my lungs on the floor.” Do you really want to hit that? She probably looks like she’s been hit in the face (puffy eyes, red nose), hasn’t showered in a couple of days, and is wearing the oldest ugliest pair of undies she owns. Yeah that reeks of sex!! Move along. Trust me you are better off with porn and your hand.
2. If she says, “my kitty, Miss Tittywinks just got ran over! Oh and by the way, you are the asshole that left the back door open!” Don’t even try it. Do you really want to have sex with a slobbering, crying girl. Hell no. Plus you killed her cat for God’s sake. She’s more likely to kill you than have sex with you.
3. If she says, “I’m on the rag.” Ok we know you are one of the few guys that doesn’t care about that stuff, but most girls don’t even feel remotely sexy when it’s their time of the month. Give a girl a break. Do you really want to have sex with a girl and then you’re bed look like a crime scene photo? Blood is hard to get off sheets my friend.
4. If she says, “I have a headache.” We all know this is code for “I’m not into you.” Take a hint and move along.
5. If she says, “I have to get up early in the morning.” Same as above. If she really wants to have sex with you then nothing is going to stop her. If she’d rather sleep than have sex with you, then you are doing something wrong. Leave her alone, go take some sex lessons, and figure your shit out.
Dear Men of LA:
You are at a bar. You want to do a creative pick up move that you saw on some porno that you were watching the night before and you think, “hey it worked in that movie, surely it will work for me!!” We all know everything that happens in porn happens in real life right??? Hell No!!! So here’s a move you should never try at a bar. You see a hot girl sitting at the bar. You have a cold beer in your hand. You stealthly sneak up behind her and lift her shirt up and put the cold beer on her naked back. Magic!! What do you think is going to happen? She’s going to squeal in delight, jump up, and wrap her arms around you and whisper, “hey stud, take me home with you and let’s have wild monkey sex!” Hell No!!! She’s going to jump up, turn around, and smack the shit out of you. Then either her boyfriend or the girls she’s hanging with are going to jump on you like white on rice and beat the shit out of you. Just so you know porno pick up moves never work in real life.
Dear Men of LA:
Let’s talk about sex. I know it’s your favorite topic. Hell, it’s most people’s favorite topic. But let’s talk about what you are doing wrong and maybe the next time you get that special girl in the sack. She’ll be moaning with pleasure and not fake moaning or worse yet, moaning with agony!!
1. Learn where a girl’s g-spot or clitoris is. I don’t care if you have to buy a clit map (It’s LA, I’m sure you can find one at a sex shop on Hollywood blvd) or watch a shit load of porn figure it out. There is nothing more annoying than a guy feeling around down there looking for lost treasure.
2. This leads me to point number 2. You are not Indiana Jones down there digging for lost treasure. You are trying to make your girl feel good. So don’t dig around there with your finger. It hurts like a mother. Imagine if we started poking around your dick with our very sharp finger nails. Get the picture.
3 Girls love oral sex and I’m not talking about us going down on you. If it’s done right you’ll have your girl purring like a kitten. But if it’s done wrong she’ll be cursing your name like you are the second coming of Satan and I doubt you’ll ever be invited back down there. Here’s a clue. Don’t bite. I don’t know why guys think biting feels great to a girl down there. It doesn’t. It’s the fourth circle of hell. So the next time you bite a girl while you are giving her oral she might just refuse the favor and bite into your dick like it’s a hot dog.
4. Your dick is not a jack hammer. It’s not an instrument used to break her back or neck. So don’t pretend it is and use it like one. Slow and steady wins the race every time.
5. Now some girls like having their head pushed down while giving you oral. Good for them. But most don’t. So don’t do it and if you think about it, ask!! It’s annoying as hell!! We know you want your dick in our mouths. We’re trying to get in as much as possible and you pushing it in is not going to help us. Do you like having a sausage stuffed in your mouth? On second thought don’t answer that.
6. Anal Sex: Always ask first. Some girls don’t like foreign objects up their ass. Some do! Again ask first. To each his own. Also do not ask unless you are willing to have something up your ass as well.
Dear Men of LA:
Why can’t you just say you’re sorry if you screwed up? Is it that hard? You know you did the deed, man up and own up to it. Don’t put it all on your girl. Say you’re sorry if:
1. You left your girl hanging on Easter and didn’t text her back until 2 hours later that you weren’t coming at all. (Say You Are Sorry! At this rate, the Easter Bunny is never going to come see you again. And you know we’re really not talking about the Easter Bunny.)
2. You didn’t shut the back door, her cat, Miss TittyWinkles got out, and a coyote ate it. (Say You Are Sorry!! We know you didn’t like that damn cat. It always got in between you and you’re girl when you were trying to have sex like some weird kinky three way. But come on, no girl likes to be without her pussy!)
3. You dropped some of her tampons down the toilet and now it’s stopped up. (Say You Are Sorry!! Every girl’s bathroom is a mess. Live with it.)
4. You got caught flirting with a girl when you were out with you’re girl. (Say You are Sorry!! We all know men have a wondering eye. It’s natural. But be stealth about it or the next time it happens you’re girl may be wondering right at the door or her hand wondering towards a kitchen knife.)
5. And worse yet…… You got caught having sex with another woman. Say You Are Sorry!!! (No it’s not the girls fault your dick wondered off to find new territory. It’s not her fault it needed a new pussy to conquer. Say you are sorry and don’t do it again.)
6. You farted in her bed and now her $200 sheets smell like ass. Say You are Sorry!!! (Do you know how hard it is to find good sheets? We all know you just trot down to Target and buy those $9.99 sheets that scratch your ass like there is no tomorrow. No wonder you like sleeping at the girl’s house so much. But those sheets are expensive so just run to the closet and fart in there.)
7. You forgot her birthday, anniversary etc. Say You Are Sorry!! (We know you have a lot on your mind like sex, porn, masturbation, what’s on t.v. tonight, and who ate the last cupcake at work, but dates are important. You have a calendar on your phone! (wow really??) Use it!!)
Dear Men of LA:
When you first meet a girl please oh please do not wink at her and shoot your hand off like it’s a pistol. And for the love of God do not make that retched tick tick sound while doing it. Winking at a girl went out in the 70’s. In fact when you do that you look like a 70’s used car salesman or Ron Jeremy in a really bad porno. Same thing with using your hand as a gun or making that clucking sound. No girl is ever going to fall for those unless she just got out of the insane asylum or is a hooker you found on Hollywood Blvd. Do you really want these girls? If you’re answer is yes then go for it!!!! Hollywood Blvd is waiting.
Dear Men of LA:
I don’t understand why it’s so hard to go up to a girl and just say, “hello.” I don’t get why you feel like you must use some insanely stupid pick up line and then you think said pick up line will immediately make us think you are the best thing since chocolate. Here are some recent gems you absolutely should not use! Unless you want to get a drink thrown in your face or you don’t ever want to get laid again.
“I just need to touch your hair to make my life complete.”
“I bought this baby dress for you because I know you would make a wonderful mother.” (Absolutely do not use this one on a complete stranger!)
“Can I have your phone, because I want to put the world’s sexiest guy alive’s number in there.”
“Are you tired? Because we’ve been having sex in my dreams all night?”
“Your clothes would look really good on my bedroom floor.”
“My dick is looking for a new home. Could it be your vagina?”
PS: I’ve heard all of these gems in the last two weeks. The first two I heard last Friday night. Good grief!!!
PSS The above dress is the very dress the guy used to pick me up. Now it looks more like a dress for a two or three year old than a baby but then again do men know anything about baby dresses? I sure as hell don’t. ha ha