Dear Men of LA:
When you say you are on your way over to see your girl that means you are on your way over! It doesn’t mean I’ll show up four hours later. Now I know men are on their own time table. I know when a guys says, “I’m on my way over” he really means, “hey I have to get a snack, finish this porn from last night, and go grocery shopping.” THEN I”ll start making my way over. And let’s not forget on my way over means also that I have to stop at the store to get condoms, gas, and some beer. So next time you say, “I’m on my way over” get your butt in the car and be on your way over. Don’t keep her waiting or otherwise when you guys are getting ready to have sex she’ll keep you waiting!!I
Dear Men of LA:
Don’t lie, cheat, or steal. It’s a simple rule to live by but why is it so hard to follow? Let’s explore these three rules shall we?
Cheat: No one likes a cheater. When you stick your dick in someone other than your girlfriend, do you really think she’s going to let you stick your dick back in her? If she’s smart, hell no. If she’s stupid, well then hell yes. (But do you really want to hang out with a stupid girl?) They always say grass is greener on the other side, but let me tell you it’s just as brown as it is on your side. And if you do decide to cheat, for the love of God don’t sleep with your girl’s best friend. That’s tackier than shit. Keep your dick in your pants or otherwise it might end up on the bedroom floor.
Lie: Everyone tells little white lies now and then but it’s the big lies that always bites in the ass. Keep it honest. Keep it real. There is nothing sexier than being honest. If she doesn’t look good in that ugly ass dress, tell her, but in a nice way. If she’s put on a few pounds, tell her, but in a nice way. Believe me, she’d rather know than not know.
Steal: Don’t steal candy, money, or other people’s girlfriends. Remember you have a great girl! How would you feel if someone stole your girl? Just remember the golden rule. And ladies, the same applies to you. And for god’s sake, if you are going to steal someone else’s guy, after you screw him, don’t go around town and make up horrible stories like he raped you. No one wants to hear it.
Just remember women have a long memory and it takes forever for them to get over something. So the next time you think about lying, cheating, or stealing remember the long road of misery your woman is going to rain down on you. Is it really worth it?
Dear Men of LA:
You’ve finally got your dream girl to have sex with you. Way to go! But if you want your woman to keep having sex with you here’s the lowdown on the do’s and don’ts for the morning after:
1. Don’t say I love you, talk about marriage, or say she’s the one. You get the idea. Saying, “Hey let’s run off to Vegas and let’s get married (even if it’s a joke) will scare a girl more than seeing a mouse in the house. Don’t do it!! I don’t care if you do really want to marry the girl. Take a breath. Wait until you sleep with the girl at least a couple of more times and then let’s try the whole marriage thing. Also saying, “I love you” too soon will scare the beejesus out of a girl. What’s the rush?
2. Be sure to stay in bed till she wakes up. Don’t sneak out like a thief in the night. If she wakes up to an empty bed, you’ll never wake up in her bed again.
3. Be a cuddle bug the next morning. There’s nothing a girl likes more than a good cuddle. So I don’t care if you feel like you can’t breathe and your woman may have that skanky morning after sex smell, cuddle for 5 minutes. It’ll earn you brownie points towards your next sexipade.
4. Run to the bathroom and steal some mouthwash or run some toothpaste over your teeth. We know you don’t wake up with morning fresh breath, but if you surprise her with decent breath you may get followup sex the next morning.
5. When you are leaving, give her a kiss and tell her how much fun you had. Tell her how beautiful she looked last night. You get the picture. You want to see her again right? Women love compliments, especially from someone they just slept with. So be Shakespeare. You have it in you.
Dear Men of LA:
Everyone has three different kinds of lives: Public, Personal, and Private. Let’s talk about all three and when to keep your big mouth shut. Sometimes you can talk about shit and sometimes you can’t. Well here’s a guide my friends.
Public: You can talk about pretty much anything. If your friend says, “hey I just had a baby.” You can tell anyone that. Or, “hey I just ran up and down Sunset Blvd naked.” Yeah you can probably get away with that too. (Actually you would be surprised how much that happens in LA) You get the gist.
Personal: “I have herpes” This definitely is personal but you actually may want to tell your date. “I just got out of jail for date rape.” You definitely want to tell that shit, but probably not to everyone. Don’t worry, you’ll be on a sex offenders list and everyone will know. “I think you’re friend is super hot, can we have a threesome? Definitely personal and you may want to keep that to yourself. Women hate competition.
Private: “I’d like to take you back to my house and have sex with you and then string you up, leave you hanging there and never come back.” Definitely private. Don’t go around sharing those thoughts. You’ll never get laid. “I just robbed a bank.” Keep it to yourself. Spend the money and don’t get caught by the police. “I run a bunch of porn sites.” Don’t tell a woman that. She may think you are trying to recruit her. No one likes a pimp. “Hey guess what everyone, this girl asked me out and I turned her ass down flat! Ha Ha Ha!” Do you want every girl in the bar to beat the shit out of you? Do you ever want to get a date again? Keep your mouth shut. And finally, “I have a coke problem and I’m looking for a baby mama! Hey are you interested in applying?” Definitely keep that shit to yourself.
Dear Men of LA:
Why is it that when a girl is taken you are all over her like white on rice, but when she is single and looking for a guy you could care less? Do attached women smell better? Do they all of a sudden have a secret decoder ring that you want? You know like the kind you used to find in a box of Lucky Charms when you were a kid. Do they have a secret sign on their head that says, “I’ve been tested and approved for sex?” What about the single ladies, what’s wrong with them? Do they smell of desperation or do they just smell bad? Are they ugly or just as not pretty as the taken ladies? There must be some kind of scientific formula. If I find out I’ll let you know.
Dear Men of LA:
If you are going to spend the night at a girl’s house don’t do the following. It will annoy the hell out of a girl and I guarantee you will never be back.
1. Don’t leave the toilet seat up. I know it seems like a little thing, but it’s a pain in the ass. You never know what can happen when you leave the toilet seat up. Her kitty, Silverbelle, may fall in and drown. Her birth control pills may get flushed. Or the girl may fall in and she can’t get up and then she has to call 911 for some hot ass firemen to come pull her out! Then you definitely won’t be coming back because she’ll be off screwing them.
2. Don’t take over the t.v. remote control. No we don’t want to watch your WWE Wrestling or Californication or Cinemax After Midnight (we know it’s crappy porn)! We want to watch girl shows like reruns of Sex in the City or Gossip Girl or Scandal and Jane The Virgin. So suck it up. You can watch your guy shows at home.
3. Our cats sleep with us. Deal with it. If you know a girl has three cats expect all three cats to be sleeping with you guys. They are really soft and cuddly. I promise. And you may even like it!!!
4. Don’t fart in bed. Do you know how much good sheets cost these days? A lot!!! We don’t want your stinky fart all over our 1800 count Egyptian cotton sheets. Hold it and run to the bathroom. If you do that make sure you get some of our expensive perfume and spray it all over the bathroom. We still don’t want to smell your farts.
5. Remember there is a check out time. Your girl’s house is not a Holiday Inn. Don’t expect breakfast. Don’t plan on staying all day the next day. She’s got shit to do. Be respectful. Go home and play PS4, go to work, watch porn, or do whatever you guys do.