When A Woman Says She’s Fine Run For The Hills!

Dear Men of LA:

If a girl tells you “I’m fine” then guess what?  She’s not fine.  I guarantee you that you have done something to make her not fine!  You probably left the toilet seat up and all of her good makeup fell in, ruining said makeup.  You ran over her cat, Miss Tittywinkles, while trying to make a stealthy getaway from a 3am booty call.  You told her she was fat when she asked you had she put on any weight.  (Here’s a clue, if a girl asks you has she put on any weight, always say, “hell no babe!  you look like you’ve lost weight.  you are beautiful!!)  You stole her last peanut butter chocolate chip brownie.  You broke her favorite wine glasses while playing Grand Theft Auto.  You screwed around with her TIVO because you were trying to tape your WWE Wrestling and somehow wiped out all of her Gossip Girl favorite episodes.  You spilled beer all over her Fifty Shades of Grey books.  Finally, you used her tampons to clean out your nose buggers!  Gross!

So when she say, “I’m Fine!” run for the hills.  Or at least go out and buy her some flowers or candy.  Because I guarantee you the next time she says, “I’m fine,” you won’t be fine!!



Calling Up A Girl For Sex At 3am Is Not A Date

Dear Men of LA:

A date is a social or romantic appointment or engagement.  It usually happens when a man asks a woman out usually a day or two in advance. NOT THE DAY OF!!  Let me tell you what is not a date:

1.  Calling a girl up at 12:30 am  and asking “hey do you want to grab a beer?”

2.  Calling a girl up at 3 am and asking, “hey do you want to come over and watch a movie?”  By the way, we know you don’t want to watch a movie.  We know you want to only have sex with us.  Don’t be stupid.

3.  Calling her up and saying, “hey there’s a movie that starts in 10 minutes.  Do you want to go?  Oh by the way, I lost my wallet so can you pay?  Ok first off, a woman needs more than 10 minutes to get ready.  We weren’t born into this world with perfect makeup and hair.  God forbid you see us in our natural state.  You would probably go running for the hills.  And by the way, we know you didn’t lose your wallet.  Be a man and pay every once in a while.

4.  Calling a girl up and asking her to watch the game with you and your buddies.   We have about as much interest as watching the game as you going shoe shopping with us.

5.  Calling a girl up and asking her to play video games with you or read comic books.  This one goes hand in hand with the above.  Really?  Do you really think a woman wants to look at your Walking Dead Collection.  How would you like for us to invite you to look at our Cosmo Magazine collection while watching Sex in The City or Gossip Girl?  Yeah I thought so!

Honesty: It’s A Novel Concept

Dear Men of LA:

Honesty!  Do you remember what that is?  You know when a guy actually tells the truth to a girl.  I know it’s a novel concept to a guy but here’s a clue.  Women actually like it when a guy is honest with them.  Hard to believe but true.   So let’s go over some of the lies men tell women.

1.  I’m on my way!  No you are never on your way.  You are still watching the game, porn, or Game of Thrones.  Don’t make a girl wait.  Get off your ass and get in the car.

2.  I’m sorry I’m late.  This goes hand in hand with the above.  No you aren’t sorry.

3.  I had no signal or my battery died.  Also goes hand in hand with the above.  This is the oldest excuse in the book.  No woman is going to fall for this.  And if you do, shame on you!!

4.  I wasn’t really looking at her ass, I was looking at that……   Come on!  We know where your eyes were at.  Be a man!  Admit it!  You might get a slap but at least you owned up to it.  She may even respect you for it.

5.  I forgot to call you last night.  All women know this is code for I didn’t really want to talk to you last night.  Or  I was too busy!  Or I you are being a pain in the ass and I had something better to do.  Tell her the truth.  Tell her you didn’t feel like talking to her.  I guarantee you this will cause a lot less problems than lying.  Maybe next time she’ll forget to call you.

6.  Just come over and we’ll hang out.  I promise we won’t have sex.  I just want to snuggle.  A man not wanting to have sex is about as common as Miley Cyrus wearing underwear.  You do the math!

7.  That was the best sex I’ve ever had.   Don’t believe the hype!

8.  I promise I wasn’t drunk dialing you last night hoping to get laid.   Please!!  Why does a guy call a girl in the middle of the night?  I guarantee you it’s not because he just wants to hear the sound of a woman’s voice.  That’s what phone sex operators are for.

9.  I swear I’m listening to you.   No you are not!! You’re thinking about sex or the game or any number of things that have nothing to do with what the woman is talking about.  Be honest.  Maybe she’ll start talking about something interesting.

10.  I love you.  Don’t say it unless you mean it.  It’s the biggest dick move of all when you lie about that!  Especially if it’s only to get into a girls pants.

Valentine’s Day Is The Perfect Day To Get Laid

Dear Men of LA:

It’s Valentine’s Day this weekend.  You think, “Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to get laid!  All I have to do is go buy some her flowers and she’ll be putty in my hands in a few hours!”  Not so fast slick!  Where do you think you are going to find a girl that will go out with you last minute on Valentines Day, the day all girls love the most?  Well here are some suggestions:

1.  Craigslist    Craigslist is filled with crazy women who are looking to get laid.  Just tell them you are an air plane pilot, independently wealthy, or some other bullshit, send a picture that was from 5 years ago when you were 10 pounds lighter, and you are all set.  Instant sex.  Just don’t be surprised when you wake up the next morning with all of your money gone and your dick chopped off.

2.  Tinder  Swipe right and find out.

3.  Whisper  All you have to to do is put a sexy  naughty message out there like “Happy Valentines Day sexy!  Come over and I can show you my Valentine if you show me yours!!!” or  “I have a big Valentine just waiting for you.”   Trust me!  You will have women crawling all over you in no time!

4.  Happn   Use this app and you will find your valentine’s date right next to you.  Of course she’ll probably be a stalker and you’ll never get rid of her.

5.  The Grocery Store.   This is an oldie but a goodie but I swear it still works.  Go to the booze aisle or the chocolate aisle.  There’s always single desperate women in each of those.

A Class In How To Leave The Next Morning After Sex

Dear Men of LA:

There has to be a class that teaches men how to leave the next day after they have had sex the night before.  And I swear every man on this planet needs to take it.  So just in case you haven’t taken the class here are a few pointers:

*  Don’t act weird.  What I mean by this is don’t avoid eye contact, don’t stutter, don’t act like you are scared to touch her.  Jesus man, you just banged the shit out of her the night before.  You weren’t scared to touch her then.  Why are you scared to touch her now?  DON’T BE AWKWARD

*  Don’t be afraid to kiss her.   Ok I know your breath probably smells bad.  Hers probably does too.  Run to the bathroom and put some toothpaste on your finger and swish it around in your mouth.  If you can’t do that bad breath for 10 seconds is not going to kill you.  Women love kisses in the morning!!

*   Tell her you had a good time last night.  Don’t be sleazy about it.  Don’t say, “hey baby, man you rocked my world last night.” A “I had a really great time with you last night” will suffice.  It will make her day.

*  Most importantly.  Text her at some point in the day.  Just to say hello.  You don’t know how many points you will get and it’ll make her glad she had sex with you.  You will be a knight in shining armor and not some sleaze bag!!

Men: Quit Acting Like A Girl!! Pussy Never Gets Pussy!

Dear Men of LA:

You know what’s really annoying?  When men act like a stupid girl.  Let me give you some examples:

We all know sometimes women can’t accept the fact men just want to be friends with them.  “If I’m a little sexier maybe he’ll like me.”  “If I give him a little more space maybe he’ll come around.”  You get the picture.  And women out there don’t say you aren’t guilty of this because I know I’ve been.  So you men out there don’t start doing this too.  Don’t act like a girl!!  Don’t say, “hey maybe if I let her see the sensitive, caring side of me she’ll like me more.”  Yeah we know you don’t have one.   Or….  “Maybe if I buy her a bunch of shit, she’ll like me more.”  I hate to break it to you, but while we’ll take your presents, we’ll probably never like you more.  It’s a sucker’s bet.  Or the ever popular, “I know we were meant to be.  She’ll see it one day.”  Dude, you’ve been watching too much Sex and The City.  Go out and get some fresh air.  Friends means friends!!  No means no!  If we say all we want is friendship that’s it.  It’s never going to turn into anymore.  Quit acting like a girl!!

Don’t text, call, or facebook us a million times a day.  We have shit to do.  Don’t be clingy.  There’s nothing worse than a man who won’t give a woman space.  I’m sorry, but you aren’t on our mind a million times a day.  You want to scare off a girl?  Be clingy and stalkerish.  Be like that chick from Single White Female and see how far that gets you.  And if you haven’t heard of the movie rent it from Netflix.  Maybe you’ll learn something.

Instead of being a girl be a man!  Open the door for her.  Walk on the outside of the sidewalk.  Give her a compliment once in a while.  Pick up heavy shit for her.  Like I always say:  Pussy never gets pussy.