Let’s Both Show Up At The Same Time

Dear Men of LA:

Why is it that if you are going to meet a girl at a bar, she has to show up first and then you have to text them and let them know you are there and THEN they will show up.  What is this some kind of power play?  Let me break it to you, a woman’s time is just as valuable as a man’s.  Are we so lucky to go out with you that we have to wait around with baited breath for you to show up?   Hell No!!  So next time you try this little power play remember this, the girl said yes!!  Hot damn you are one lucky man!  You get to spend time with someone you actually like instead of sitting alone in your apartment watching porn and well……..    We know what you’re doing!!   Don’t go ruining it by acting like an ass.

Tricks Are For Kids And Hookers!

Dear Men of LA:

If you ask for a girl’s number then call her.  If you don’t want to call her then don’t ask for her number.  Oh so simple, but so hard for some men to grasp the concept.  Don’t be a lame ass and call her at 12:30 on a Monday night and say, “hey sorry I forgot to call you.  Do you want to go out now?  Hell no I do not want to go out now!!!   I’m in my pajamas watching Law and Order.  Don’t play games.  Don’t play tricks.  Tricks are for kids and hookers.

Roofies Are Not Sexy

Dear Men of LA:

I know you are desperate to get laid, yes we know it’s been a long time for you.  But seriously, are roofies the way to go?  Let’s break it down for a minute.  You put the shit in her drink.  You get her back to your lair of evil.  And then what?  It’s sexy time?  Hell no!  Your victim is nearly pass out.  She can’t make sense.  She’s pretty much non responsive and you have to do all of the work.  Is that really sexy?  It probably would be funner to have sex with a corpse (yeah I guess some men would like that).  Not to mention if you get busted your ass is going to end up in jail.  Then you’ll be someone’s bitch and I guarantee you that won’t be a sexy time.  So before you go out trolling for your next victim think about it.  Do you really want to have sex with a non responsive slobbering mess?  Do you really want to be the next girlfriend to Big Pretty, a 300 pound inmate that loves to gang rape little boys?  I DON’T THINK SO!!  Do yourself a favor and just go home and watch some porn and jack off like everyone else is doing.

There’s Baggage and Then There’s WTF!

Dear Men of LA:

Everyone has baggage.  But there’s baggage and then there’s what the fuck?  Let me show you guys what’s the difference:

Baggage:  I may like to drink more than I should and smoke too much weed.  WTF:   I’m drunk every day by noon and like to run naked up and down the street while rolling.

Baggage:  I’m divorced.    WTF:  Hey, I’m just recently divorced from my third wife and I’m looking for a baby mama and or fourth wife.

Baggage:  I just got hurt from my last relationship and I’m hesitant about dating.  WTF:  My last girlfriend was a psycho and she tied me to the bed and tried to cut off my penis.  I kind of liked it.

Baggage:  I don’t have a job right now, but I swear I’m looking.   WTF:  You know, I really don’t need a job.  I’m more interested in trying to find myself.

Baggage:  I have sex issues   WTF: You know I really don’t like people and I haven’t had sex in five years.  But maybe I’d like to have sex with you though.

The take away from this is that it’s OK to have a little baggage.  Sometimes it’s even OK to share your baggage with other people.  But keep the WTF to yourself.  No one wants to know your WTF!!

The Difference Between Blue Balls and Happy Balls

Dear Men of LA:

Be like a boy scout:  always be prepared.  Always have condoms in your wallet, pocket, fanny pack, or where ever.  How much does it suck, if you are sliding into home base and then have to ask, “uh do you have a condom?” and then your conquest says, “uh I thought you had one.”  Now you have to get your ass up, run down to the Seven Eleven and buy a three pack.  By the time you get back your date has sobered up and she’s lost all interest in you.  So be prepared.  Have a fuck kit (breath mints, gum, condoms, lube, spanish fly, and booze) where ever you go.  It just could be the difference between blue balls and happy balls.